Your relationship after baby

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Your relationship after baby

    How did your relationship with DH/SO change after the baby?  Did it get better?  Worse?  About the same?

    DH and I are struggling a little with this a bit lately.  We work opposite schedules which is great as far as DD's care, but we rarely see each other.  Even when we're both home together one of us is usually watching DD while the other goes to the gym, takes a nap, goes out with friends, etc.  It's tough to do everything we want/need to do and still have time for each other.  DH has also suddenly become very insecure and questioning me when I go out without him (which is usually just a Friday after work with the girls for a couple of hours).  I find this odd, since I'm more tied to him now than ever, and I've never done anything to make him think he can't trust me.

    Did you ladies go through anything similar?  How did you make things work?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I think it is super easy to feel disconnected with a young baby.  When we do see each other it is a lot of "ok, we need to do this" and other delegations.  Traditionally, my husband and I do better when we see each other more regularly and spend more time together.  We decided to take a day off this week to golf and still bring DD to daycare. I am so excited about this.  I think this will help us reconnect.  I figure rather than taking a lot of vacation this year (doesn't sound super fun with a six month old), we might do this on occasion so that we have some fun time that we don't have to feel guilty about since DD will be doing her usual routine and we don't have to feel bad about leaving her with someone else. 

    It is hard b/c the libido is still not great but seems to be getting better! YAY
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I'm sure what seems like distrust is really just insecurity stemming from a new and disconcerting feeling of disconnectedness.  I know it feels impossible, and of course, I don't relate so I don't exactly know, BUT, if I might suggest, book one sex night per week and stick to it no matter what.  Nothing remedies disconnectedness in a marriage like sex even if it's not what it was pre-baby yet, no matter how tired you are, etc.  

    I'm sure this will get "spoken like a childless wife," but if you can make it happen it really will allay his irrational fears a lot, I think.

    ETA:  If traditional sex is still out, maybe you could skip the gym and explore new ways to be intimate.  If you have energy to go to the gym, you have energy to connect somehow with DH - you'll have to decide which use of your energy is more important to you if you don't have energy for both.  His insecurity and mistrust isn't coming from thin air; consider what those feelings could lead to.  If it's not where you want things to go, do whatever you can to prevent that.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from culhasa. Show culhasa's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Hi Pugs....
    It definitely is hard with everything going on to keep connected.  I have 2 kids (4 and 2) and I remember after each of them were born that we were always trading off sleeping, taking care of the older one, etc.  We are very lucky that my in-laws are great and will take the kids for a night (or 2!) everyone once and a while.  We also have a "date" night once a week (my in laws are really great!)  Obviously that may not work for you - but I think scheduling a date night or day once a month is really important for your relationship.  Even if your night is settling your kiddo to bed and you watching an hour show or movie together with one of your favorite snacks.
    Good luck....
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    There seems to be a lot less time once baby arrives.  I think you should both consider skipping the gym or girl's (boys) night and try and eek out some more time together.  Especially since your DH seems to really need it right now.  My DH also goes through phases where he feels unloved or ignored.  What he's really asking for is a little special attention and an extra hug.
    Get a sitter and go on a date.  Or - in our case - put the LO down and order a pizza and an OnDemand movie (an at home date). Believe me - I understand wanting to see your friends or get the baby weight off.  But IMHO working on the marriage has to take priority.  You'll settle into a new routine eventually and be able to fit in all the other things you want to do too.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    We just started taking after dinner walks with beanie in her carriage. We needed to step away from the house chores, and the mess, blackberries, mail - everything. Just the act of walking together and talking without big distractions is so good for both of us.

    The other night we were laughing about how strange it seemed that romance, travel, expensive dinners and lavish gifts marked our dating life, but did not prepare us for this alien existence of tag team sleeping, tight budgeting, pathetic housekeeping and meals on the run. We love every second of it, but often feel like how the heck did we get here?

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from SarahInActon. Show SarahInActon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Definately go for a walk together with baby.  If you have time for the gym and girl's/boys night out then you have time for each other.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Take advantage of a baby who will sleep in a restaurant!! I miss the days of having a newborn who would konk out for two hours in a restaurant after a meal and a car ride to the restaurant. DH and I had some really good times doing that. Now, with a 19 month old, we're lucky to be able to use two hands during a meal or talk about anything except how we need to apologize to the people sitting near us!!

    I also second misslily's sage advice to prioritize your relationship over other things at this point. Yes, I miss my friends and I would love to get some more time in on the treadmill, but nothing beats the comfort, support, and affection of my DH.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    We're struggling.  DS is sick again, we're both missing work again, and we're all sleep deprived (DD gets up when DS get up for his 5:30 am feeding, and that's it for the day!  I haven't seen a gym or girls night since I went back after mat leave.  We've started our day with a big argument 3 days in the last week.  So yeah, it's different.  And different again after 2.

    We have acknowledged we need to spend some time on each other/our relationship, now we just need to figure out how to do that. Plans to talk about it tomorrow night. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Walks are a great plan.  You can exercise, get fresh air, talk to your SO, and usually kind of ignore the baby unless they get irate about something.
    My husband's uncle died last week.  I don't want this to sound TOO disrespectful, so I will add the caveat that he had been unresponsive for a year and we had already mourned losing him.  With that:
    I said to my husband that it's a sign we need to get out more together when going to a wake and a funeral without the baby feels like a date.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Canuk, your situation sounds very similar to mine.  We both know that we haven't spent much time together and we need to work on it, but we don't know how.  Or we don't want to; I'm not sure which it is.  I guess I'm trying to find out if this is common when you have a baby, or if there's more going on between DH and I. 

    DH will say he wants to spend time together, but then when we're home he wants to take a nap, watch a game, play online, etc.  So even though we may be home together, it's certainly not quality time.

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from SarahInActon. Show SarahInActon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Drag his butt out the door!!! I can't tell you how many times I strapped on DS and dragged hubby round the neighborhood after dinner.  Boy did he grunt and groan (hubby, not baby) but we ended up having fun in the end.  And maybe sabotoge the modem?  You could switch that bad boy off in the basement and then tell him you already called the cable company and it would just take a few hours to get back up again.  Whatever it takes.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    ha ha ha Sarah! I agree that getting out of the house is key. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and it's really easy for us to take each other for granted and pretty much ignore each other after a long day. For us, the key is to have friends over, or to get a sitter and go out with friends. That way we can see each other being cheerful and charming and funny, and we remember why we fell in love in the first place.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from LiveLoveLearnEnjoy. Show LiveLoveLearnEnjoy's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    We haven't done the date night outside of our house thing yet but I agree with the others that it is important.  We tend to get caught up in our computers and stuff after DS goes to bed instead of taking the time with each other. So now we eat dinner at the dinner table (we are those bad people who eat in front of the tv usually) and we watch a show we dvr'ed before touching our computers or focusing on something else.  It has really helped us.  We are working towards actually going out somewhere but we just are lazy and like being home!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from KT75. Show KT75's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Our relationship changed after DD and is changing after DS too.  We do a lot of at home dates.  We'll think about something to order for dinner (we rarely do take out so its a treat) and then have a movie, game, or something to watch or do.  DH is a big sports guy so sometimes I will make hotdogs and buy peanuts and we'll have beers and watch a baseball game - its supposed to be like we are at the game - ha!  We are also both competitive so we will play a game on our gaming system like Jeopardy, its actually really fun.  Walks are great but DH is not real into that.  Try and make small efforts and skip out on some other things like the gym etc and I bet things will come together.

    I also agree with Kiwi, take advantage of your infant and eat out - Its much harder to go out once they get older.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    As a woman who doesn't have kids, as you know, but did go through a divorce, that ultimate drifting apart starts subtly.  A "not tonight, Dear" here, a solitary computer game instead of a cuddle on the couch there, a trip to the gym instead of a walk together.  And, these habits reinforce themselves.  "Not tonight, Dear" becomes "Not this week, Dear" becomes "Not this month, Dear." The splinter becomes a wedge purely out of habit, and it gets harder and harder to overcome those habits and recapture what made you fall in love in the first place, as lemon put it.  Sometimes circumstances require faking it 'til you make it, forcing togetherness and intimacy when you'd rather go out with the girls or he'd rather play video games so that those romantic habits don't die and take the marriage with them.

    So, like Sarah said, force it.  Make it happen.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Remember too that having a baby is one of the most stressful events in a person's life (along with buying a house -- we did both at the same time, which was fun). I think that people get divorced a million times in the first six months. But it gets easier.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    It gets easier for a number of baby-related reasons, but if in that first year after the baby is born the marriage is allowed to drift too far off center I'd think it would be very hard to pull it back on track "someday" when things are easier with respect to the baby.  I guess I'm saying that I know the extreme stressors of having an infant will pass, but a strategy to weather the storm should be in place so when it passes the house is still in good shape.

    ETA:  It's really the same for any long-term stressor.  Caring for an ill parent or a addict teenager for a year, for example.  If the couple drifts apart during that time (and they have a good excuse to do so), when the parent dies or the teenager gets off drugs, the marriage isn't going to automatically be in good shape just because the situation impacting the couple has become much less stressful and demanding.  It needs to be purposefully nurtured during times of extra stress even more than when things are relatively calm.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    DH & I stay home a lot now. If we get together with friends, it's together as a couple and with DD. Over the past 19 months we've probably gone "out" 6-10 or so times together with someone watching DD, DH has a half-season ticket to the Celtics (which he didn't go to every game that he had a ticket for) and I've gone out 6 times without DH - either with my mom or with a friend. We'll go out to breakfast or out to dinner once or twice per week.

     We tried having a family member watch DD while we went to the gym together, but she screamed her head off (this was around the 3-4 month mark) so we nixed that (plus our gym was far away and really not worth the trip. Instead we did workout videos together. Now that DD is older (and summer is coming) we plan to do more things together with/for DD.

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from SAW73. Show SAW73's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Pugs,

    I'm right there with you!  At times it has been horrible!  My DH works 3pm to 11:30pm M-F gets home at 12am.  I work from 7am to 3pm.  I do not see DH from Monday morning til Friday night, which is actually Saturday morning. 

    We go through highs and lows, depending on what other stress is happening in out lives.  Things we have done to make things better we share as much housework as possible and do it during the week.  We try not to do any chores on the weekends unless we do them together. Regardless of how boring the errand the 3 of us go together. I wait up every Friday night for DH to come home.  We always have a big meal together on Sundays.  Once every other month my parents take DS overnight (Sat-Sun) and we go out. There is weekend naptime nookie.  We starting texting each other about non-DS stuff.  Something as simple as good morning, and what every you pet name for DH is.

    I had to learn that not every chore had to be done.  An occasionally I have to remind myself of the samething.  It will get better, your DD is still new, you just need to find your rhythm.

    I hope this helps!

    SAW
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    SAW, I feel for you.  I went in early yesterday and DH stayed home with DS, who was sick.  After work I picked up DD, met DH in the driveway and he was off for a meeting. 

    With DD we used to get out for a walk quite often in the evening, but it just seems like we aren't getting to it these days... 2 baths, 2 bed time routines and really trying hard to sit down together as a family for dinner doesn't leave much time.  We need to try harder, because it is good for us all.

    The one good thing in all of this is that even though we recognize it's hard right now, we are committed and recognize that it may be really hard to tend to us right now, but we need to do it.  Sleep deprivation and some additional work stresses for both of us doesn't help either.

    Yesterday, DH had to get DD to daycare and had DS in tow all day (he has to take the day off to stay ome with a sick kid whereas I try to 'work from home' with varying degrees of success/stress.)  Anyway, he realized/was reminded of what I need to go thru in the morning to get the kids and me out the door, and that he couldn't imagine that I then have to change gears and be an adult/worker for 8 hours.  That really meant a lot to me, as I sometimes don't think he realizes what it takes to get out the door on time, and why I might leave a bit of breakfast mess behind etc.  I told him I appreciated his recognition and then took the opportunity to thank him for all the things HE does around here - which are plenty, and I used some specific examples.  I think we both felt a lot better and connected after this conversation, and I think it is something we ought to take a few minutes and do more often.  Who feels like being nice/frisky/romantic when you're feeling underappreciated? 

    Between that, and DS seems to be on the road to recovery, again, and slept all night (as did we) and things look much better today.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Its such a tough transition to go from independent couple to taking care of a child. Especially if you have different work schedules.

    DH and I both work 40 hr weeks during the day. our schedules are the same, so much so that we carpool to/from work and do the drop offs. This is only due to the fact that we now work at the same place. which has made things so much better. we can chat in the car about our days (as DS tries to get our attention). We can even meet up for lunch without DS and talk. we divide tasks when we get home-one plays with DS while the other cooks. but when all is said and done and DS is in bed, we still need our down time apart (even when we didn't commute together). So that aspect is important. Just determine a time to meet back up on the couch to watch a show or chat. I used to announce the time to DH then give him a count down-5 min before couch time! It helped peel himself away from what he was doing. (Mind you I only started this when I was done with my stuff. ;) )

    What would happen if you announced that Saturday night is Date night-movie at home (I will admit it took us about  6 months before we could actually watch a movie all the way through.)

    I will admit that DH get's cranky when I leave him with DS and do something for myself (hair apt, friends-he was even cranky when I went off to a wake by myself!). (mind you I leave him with dinner prepared. :) )And I think those alone times the other wonders how much "fun" the other is having. When DH goes out with his friends I grill him when he gets back on the entire conversation-I want to feel involved. I agree with what Lemon said-we do our home date nights, but times we get a sitter and go out with friends is when we reconnect the most. We see how charming the other person is. We leave those event saying "we should do this more."

    It will take time, but schedule couple time and family time events, space out the friend and gym time more and you'll find your gove again.  
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I agree with Kar about sex.  It's the only thing that truly makes my husband feel like we're connected.  It's interesting, we were talking lately and he was saying, "I need that to feel really connected to you" and I was saying "I need to feel connected to you in order to desire sex".  Was a smack in the face to both of us that our needs are different!  And when we do make time for it (that is to say, when I "agree"), we both feel better afterwards, emotionally.

    I also agree about walking.  Getting out of the house together and doing something physical is very helpful for us.

    I find there's only so much time in the day for things.  I have not yet gone back to the gym because I'm not willing to sacrifice my family time.  I will get to the point where I will fit that in, but I think once baby arrives, you have to prioritize and not everything will fit in.  I'm realizing that there are some things I *have* to fit in in order for my family to run smoothly, so other things get sacrificed.  It is tricky and DH and I still have rocky times where I"m resentful because I don't have time for everything.

    Good luck Pugs (and you too, Canuk).
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    I agree with Kar about sex.  It's the only thing that truly makes my husband feel like we're connected.  It's interesting, we were talking lately and he was saying, "I need that to feel really connected to you" and I was saying "I need to feel connected to you in order to desire sex".  Was a smack in the face to both of us that our needs are different!  And when we do make time for it (that is to say, when I "agree"), we both feel better afterwards, emotionally. I also agree about walking.  Getting out of the house together and doing something physical is very helpful for us. I find there's only so much time in the day for things. 
    Posted by poppy609


    Maybe you can combine the two. I hear the fens is lovely this time of year.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby : Maybe you can combine the two. I hear the fens is lovely this time of year.
    Posted by lemonmelon

    OMG, ROTFLMAO!!

     
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