Your relationship after baby

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    This thread gave me nightmares last night. My husband won't know what hit him tonight.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby : Maybe you can combine the two. I hear the fens is lovely this time of year.
    Posted by lemonmelon[/QUOTE]

    Yes, would just have to turn the stroller away so as not to scar the child...
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I read a book a while ago (in my pre-marriage days) called Love Languages or something like that, it may be a good one to pick up again, now that I think about it.  It talks about how there are so many different ways of showing love, but also of receiving love - so for instance, all I may need or want to feel loved is hugs and physical affection, but maybe DH feels loved when I sit and listen to him, or I do kind things for him, or, yes, even s-e-x ... of course, as ones who love our SO we tend to do some of all of these things anyway, but the problem comes when DH thinks he's showing me he loves me by looking after the yard and all I want is to sit and have lunch together once in a while.  (not a real example, but kinda close)  In these days with little ones taking up so much of our time, we need to be efficient with everything, including showing our SO that we love them.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from SilverFestiva. Show SilverFestiva's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

     I can definitely say that things have been up and down the last 5 weeks. 

    He really likes his independence, and I really like/depend on our togetherness. He's from around here and has a large circle of friends, and I'm not, and don't. So I kind of see myself as your DH in this situation, where he still goes out and sees his friends pretty regularly and I feel like I'm left alone here with the baby - which I love, but I would like to have him here too. It definitely makes me feel a sense of abandonment, lonliness, and even resentful. 

    I definitely had a misconception that when the baby was born he would never want to leave us - but while I know he adores her, and he loves me, he is still the same person and wants to go watch a game with his friends, and he still isn't any good at planning these things in advance. So I think for me it was a little hard to take that he hasn't really adjusted his own life much, the only change is that when he comes home, he comes home to two of us instead of one. 

    I obviouslly don't know your husband, but maybe he's feeling part of the abandonment - I'm assuming that he's home with the baby when you go out with your girlfriends. But I also think its important for you to have that time and that the gym is important to you so I think its good you've managed to keep that in your routine- maybe a scheduled date night once a week would help to keep both of you committed to spending quality time together? That's what I'm hoping DH and I will do eventually, but right now all I want to do is sleep...haha. 


     


     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    canuk, my parents recommended that book, The 5 Love Languages, to me, and I agree it's worth reading.  Like you say, it talks about showing and receiving love the way you'd talk about the different personality types.  It explains that if you are unaware of what types of actions say, "I love you" to your spouse your ways of expressing your love (probably the way you want to receive it) might be ending up in his junk drawer instead of actually making him feel loved, and vice versa. 

    It's based on the premise that we all tend to give gifts that we want ourselves without even thinking about it (of course, Uncle John would appreciate this manicure set - who wouldn't?), and when it comes to communicating our love as the gift, this tendancy can spell disaster because one might think his or her acts of love are regularly being received as intended, but, alas, they aren't because the method used to convey the love is not part of their spouse's love language and they just can't understand the message as meaning, "I love you."  

    My folks read it after they were married for many years and got so much out of it that they recommended it to all 5 of their adult kids.  So, it's not just for newlyweds who might not know each other as well as old married f arts.

    And, also like you said, canuk, it DOES make every action count toward filling up each other's love tanks with what works for them so it's a lot more efficient than just tossing things out there and hoping for the best.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I definitely want to read that book as well.  Has anyone seen the movie Fireproof?  It has strong Christian undertones but we really got a lot out of watching it together.

    Every Sat morning or Friday evening my husband makes the effort to allow me to go to the gym and do two classes in a row.  It gives me a total energy boost, makes me feel better about myself and in turn, perhaps even a little more sexy (ok that is stretch).

    In return, he will golf early in the morning sometimes.  Because DD is still young she takes significant naps so I think it is fine if he wants to do this.

    We do try and walk together at least once per week.

    And then there is s*ex equity.  Even though I may not feel like it, it is important to him.  He instantly feels more connected and I will see it throughout the week.  Honestly, this is going to sound terrible but early in our relationship I did put some parameters in place so that I know that my space is protected.  I.e. don't even try it when I am exhausted and ready to sleep or already asleep and prior to working is not an option b/c my mind is so not there.  DH has made it clear he is essentially game whenever (the more the merrier for him) but understands that I need to be able to relax during this time.  Because he respects this, I have been trying harder to surprise him and hmmm... shall we say keeps his desires in mind.

    As I mentioned we are taking the day off tomorrow and will still bring DD to daycare.  I think this is a great way to say to each other - hey, we still need to be there for each other and enjoy each other's company.  Also, somethings are more important than a day's wage (understanding that we are blessed to have this flexibiliy) and we deserve to have a little fun.  We have both been so excited about this all week.  Oh the things we used to take for granted prior to kids!

    Even though I think the tone of my post is quite positive, I just want to be clear that I have felt the same way as everyone else and just recently have really been trying to put forth more effort with our relationship and it seems to be paying off. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from bostonslp. Show bostonslp's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Pugs - DH and I are going thru a similar "phase" and DS is 6 weeks now. 
    IT's funny because all throughout my pregnancy, DH was amazing; In the delivery room, he was amazing and then the first week home he was wonderful.  After that, something changed and it feels like it has become worse.  I also think he has a touch of the baby blues, which is not helping our relationship.  I "let him" go do the things he really enjoys (playing basketball/golf, watching the red sox, etc) but that seemed to make it worse.  He also works from home which I think is a lot because we see each other all day and he sees me with DS all day and watches us build a relationship while he works.  I can see how it is stressful for him and then he pulls away. 
    I talked to him about our relationship the other night and how it is very different now.  I also tried to "prepare" him that things would change, when I was pg but I guess you really can't know.  He of course said everything was fine.  Although the next night he was much better -after spending some great quality time with DS. 

    We went out for a date this weekend while my parents watched DS.  I have to say it was very awkward.  It felt like a really bad date and if it was our first date, I probably would not have gone out with him again!  Terrible.  We just had nothing to talk about and I think we were both trying not to talk about DS because we were supposed to be taking time for ourselves.  This week, things have seemed to be a little better.  DS is starting to smile a lot and coo and that has us both happier and excited.  DS is also sleeping a little longer at night which means we get more sleep and that can go a long way I think. 

    I am thinking it's just an adjustment phase.  I know I am trying to talk it out with DH and let him know how I feel about it.  While I think it's good to get out with friends alone (especially to vent) I do agree with the other posters that you and DH need to spend time together with or without the LO.  Hope things are getting better each day!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from bostonslp. Show bostonslp's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE] I  I definitely had a misconception that when the baby was born he would never want to leave us - but while I know he adores her, and he loves me, he is still the same person and wants to go watch a game with his friends, and he still isn't any good at planning these things in advance. So I think for me it was a little hard to take that he hasn't really adjusted his own life much, the only change is that when he comes home, he comes home to two of us instead of one.  Posted by SilverFestiva[/QUOTE]

    I hear you on this one!  DH still makes plans as if nothing has changed and assumes that I will just be home to take care of DS.  Of course, I am not making any plans, so I am available, but it makes me pretty upset and resentful.  I really don't want to be the primary caregiver and ask DH to "babysit" I had thought we were a team.  He agrees that we are, but somehow I think our ideas of "team" are different. 
    One weekend DH told me on the Thursday, "I am going to golf tomorrow after work, play basketball saturday morning and then on sunday night."  I was like oh, ok....guess I can't make plans this weekend. 
    I realize that he is still working and I am lucky to have 5 months home with DS and that this is my "job" now but it doesn't mean I can't have a life and something that DH doesn't seem to get is that this is a 24/7 job.  I said that to him and he flat out disagreed.  Since then, I make a note to wake him at night when I go to feed DS and say "it's not 24/7."  Ugh, I am making DH to seem like such a bad person and he's really not!!  It's just a tough time and he is starting to come around.  I am off to a bridal shower in Plymouth next sunday and I am thinking that leaving DH with DS that day is going to be the best thing for our relationship!  

    Sorry for venting on your post Pugs!!  :)
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I hate to hear that so many of you are going through the same thing, but at the same time it makes me feel better that I'm not alone!  Last night we got to spend some time together, and even though we sat at home and did nothing it was fun.  The one thing we've always had the ability to do is make each other laugh, and sometimes just sitting on the couch making fun of stuff on TV is better than a dinner out somewhere.

    I have to say, I am very lucky in that DH is great with DD.  He totally understands how hard it can be and that it's a 24/7 job, and he'll never hesitate to change a diaper or get up with her in the middle of the night.  I really feel for you ladies who have a hard time getting DH to help out with the baby, because that would have made things so much harder for me.  slp, I think leaving DS with your DH while you go to a baby shower is a great idea.  DH didn't completely understand how much work it is until he started staying home with her during the day.

    The thing that bothers me the most with all of this is how DH has suddenly seemed very insecure and a little needy.  I'm not really sure what's sparked that, especially now that we have a child together.  I'm just not sure what he's looking for as far as reassurance, because I feel like I'm doing the best I can.  He was like this early on in our relationship, so this isn't something totally new, but I didn't expect it to return right after I had a baby.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Pugs, just had a suggestion.

    I worried about this alot when we were pregnant. What helped was having my husband choose a night or two where I know he's going to go do stuff with his buddies. I don't plan on him being around, we fend for ourselves for dinner and just know that's his time out.

    For now, he plays tennis with his buddies indoors on Thursday nights. Sort of pushing him out the door and letting him do "normal" things has helped the transition.

    He also chose Saturday nights as an option, but rarely bothers making plans. He says he's rather just stay home with me and Beanie :) but I always pretend like I'm surprised he's staying home. Usually that becomes our date night (falling asleep in front of a movie together).

    Setting up the frame work eliminates the resentment, makes him feel like he hasn't lost his old life, and puts him in mind to return the favor :)
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    ml, that's great that you and your DH have worked things out that way!  It must make him feel good to know that he always has a night where he's free to get out for awhile if he wants to. 

    DH has gone out quite a few times with his friends.  Mostly just getting together at someone's house to watch a game or something, but he still enjoys it.  I have no problem with it; in fact I encourage him to get out with his friends more often.  Since he works mostly nights DD and I are used to being home alone together so it's no big deal.

    I think it's important to still have your time out with your friends, both alone and together as a couple.  I know for me, just a couple hours with my girlfriends is so therapeutic.  And after DH spends some time with his friends he talks about it for days, so I know he enjoyed it.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE]...I'm just not sure what he's looking for as far as reassurance, because I feel like I'm doing the best I can...
    Posted by PugsandKisses[/QUOTE]

    This makes me think you'll get a lot out of that book canuk brought up.  Sometimes even though we're doing our best to show our love, if it's not in his "love language" it doesn't have the effect we expect it would, usually because it is what would work for us (not him) to feel loved.  I recommend it even more highly having read this little insight in your latest post because if you can get knowledge of what types of expressions of your love and devotion reach him most deeply doing your best will actually acheive the goal of reassuring him.  Right now, doing your best is akin to banging your head against the wall because it doesn't sound like it's impacting him the way you intend it to.

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Bostonslp -- you and your husband both have jobs. Yours is to be a SAHM. He gets two days off per week and you get ... nothing? This makes no sense to me. When my husband is a SAHD over the winter, I make sure that he gets away to do his own stuff on weekends, because otherwise he'll totally lose his mind. I wouldn't wake him in the middle of the night to snark at him (speaking from personal experience -- believe me, I've done the same thing many times and it's never been helpful). But I would sit him down and explain the basic facts to him. Maybe you can each have a chunk of time on the weekend to do your own thing -- he could have time on Saturday and you could have time on Sunday. But he doesn't get both days.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    For those of you with really little ones (<4-5 mo) things will most likely get better as LO gets bigger and able to interact with DH.  With both my kids, DH just simply didn't know how to interact with them when they were so little - plus, he couldn't BF :)  With #1 he was all about looking after the house, me, etc. With #2, he was all about dealing with #1!  It got a lot better around 4 or 5 mo, with #2 at least, I don't remember any more about #1.  I'm sorry for those of you who's DH doesn't help or doesn't recognize that it can be hard and 24/7... mine is very helpful overall but still has a whole new appreciation when he walks a few miles in my shoes, so to speak.

    Since becoming a mom, I've learned that mom's and dad's may be equal, but they are not the same.  As a mom, there are always things you are going to have to offer your LO that DH won't... but he also has his own things to offer.  I think it takes new dad's a little while sometimes to find their groove... so take heart!

    I've been thinking a lot about the love languages and what my DH's might be and what mine might be.  No ah-ha's yet :)  We've been better the past couple of days, more patient with each other, and paying attention to how what we say (and how we say it) affects each other.  (He thought I was overly defensive all the time (I'm cynical, so sometimes it comes accross defensive) and I felt like he was being overly critical... he's caught himself a few times and stopped to acknowledge that he might sound critical)  I count all of this as progresss!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I'm all for smart communication and for self-reflection before going on the attack, but some of what I'm reading here is just Not OK.  And I say that in an Empowering and Validating Language, not a "your situation s*cks" Language.  No marriage is 50/50 all the time, but if you don't speak up loudly and frequently when something isn't working, it might stay broken forever, and that's No Good.  Some people come to marriage/parenthood very naturally.  Some need guidance.  Others need a swift kick in the a**.  But no one ever fished a happy and healthy marriage out of a Cracker Jack box.  It takes a lot of work. 

    My DD is seven months and DH and I are still tweaking our daily/weekly routine so that we both get time with her, time with each other and time for ourselves.  We're both talkers and very direct (I'm sure you're shocked) so neither one of us has an issue saying, "Yeah, that's so not happening the way you think it is.  Try again," when the other person is being thoughtless or clueless and leaving the other with more than what's fair in terms of homefront heavy-lifting.  And that reality-check makes us both a little bit better at self-regulating and more giving with our time.  That took time and, honestly, I availed myself of talk therapy to work on my own communication skills ... I credit that with a lot of our success.  Which leads me to:


    I know that people equate couples counseling with a marriage in trouble, but honestly, it can be just the opposite.  When your normal communication channels are shut down and you're feeling anxious, isolated, and frustrated ... it's time to bring in outside help.  I mean, if your roof was leaking, you'd bring in a roofer.  You might read up on leaking roofs and check the internet for advice/tips, but at some point, you'd bring in a pro. 

    I don't want anyone to feel attacked or defensive, but some of what I'm reading ... well.  I'd bring in a pro.  If DH isn't willing to go to counseling, there's no reason you can't go solo.  Honestly, as long as one person is there, that can be enough. 

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    My mother and I attended a communication workshop a few weeks back. The focus of it was marriage, but a lot of it was applicable to all relationships.

    One of the key components was dealing with conflict and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that lead to divorce... there are multiple sites that discuss it, but this has the basic gist of it.

    http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/03/four-horseman-of-apocalypse-john.html
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I like to haul this one out every once in a while:

    The Politics of Housework
    http://www.feministezine.com/feminist/modern/The-Politics-of-Housework.html

    an excerpt:

    "I don' t mind sharing the work, but you'll have to show me how to do it." MEANING: I ask a lot of questions and you'll have to show me everything every time I do it because I don't remember so good. Also don' t try to sit down and read while I'M doing my jobs because I'm going to annoy hell out of you until it's easier to do them yourself."
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    GC, I agree that going to therapy alone can be great, too, even if it's to impact a marriage.  Even if only one person in the couple learns new coping or communication skills it can diffuse a lot of tension between them, and the other (non-therapy participant) learns vicariously through the spouse that does go.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE]I know that people equate couples counseling with a marriage in trouble, but honestly, it can be just the opposite.  When your normal communication channels are shut down and you're feeling anxious, isolated, and frustrated ... it's time to bring in outside help. 
    Posted by GC1016[/QUOTE]
    Yes.  Yes.  There was just an article in the paper about growing popularlity of *preemptive* couples counseling before the baby is even born, because it's so tough on a marriage!  Here's the link:
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704099704576288954011675900.html

    From my own personal perspective, I think it's important to have a policy for making baby-free plans.  Ours is that you check with the spouse for all evening/weekend plans.  But I also like what someone else mentioned about assigning nights when each person is free to plan something and the other person knows they need to stay in.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    I haven't finished reading all of the posts, but I'm reminded of a comment a mother made at Babycafe... "If we could combine all of our babies, we'd have the perfect baby!"  It works for husbands too!

    I am very grateful that DH has no problem with staying home with me and DD... or going out with us.  He has barely seen his friends since DD was born, but we're both used to that because we moved away from where we grew up.  (A whole 25 minutes, but you'd think it was a different state!)  Anyway, he is great about that, but not so great about helping around the house.  I try to give him credit for the things he does, but the fact is it's just not enough right now.  There are constantly a million things that need to be done, so he can't just lounge and watch TV while I feed the baby for 30 minutes.  In 30 minutes he could have emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter box, and who knows what else!  And then the next time I was feeding the baby, he could lounge.  I pray he will eventually see this!  I can't decide if it's going to be better or worse when I go back to work.  I think slightly better because I won't be here all day looking at the dishes that need to be done, etc.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE]I can't decide if it's going to be better or worse when I go back to work.  I think slightly better because I won't be here all day looking at the dishes that need to be done, etc.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]
    If he's home it will be worse, because he'll be messing up the house all day and then you'll come home to a giant mess. Get him trained up before you go back to work. Make a list and put it up on the fridge.

    I tried to be appreciative of the few things my husband did and praise him for doing the things any normal human would do without being asked, because that's what magazines told me to do. Then I read that Politics of Housework thing and realized that this isn't brain surgery, it's just miserable and that's why he's trying to avoid it and make me do it. My husband will never have my level of filth awareness, nor my filth-dispatching skills, but he has been successfully trained to put all the toys into mesh baskets, vacuum the floor, push a swiffer mop around, and load all the dishes into the sink. These are very basic skills, but he had to be nagged into submission before he grudgingly mastered them.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from canukgrl. Show canukgrl's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    ha ha lemon, even my DD can do the swiffer (in fact, she loves to swiffer!)

    I'm happy to report things are back on a more even keep around our house.  While it's true that counselling can be helpful and neccessary at times, I also think that marriages, like any relationship, have ups and downs.  We happened to be both dealing with a lot of work stress (him starting a new project, me facing />half my dept getting laid off this week) and DS has been sick, again, and we're both having to miss work and sleep.  So, needless to say, a little reset was in order.

    All the other stressful things are still going on by the way... *sigh*
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    counseling helps the ups stay up longer and the downs less traumatic and painful.  it's all about learning communication and coping skills that you never had at your disposal before that make life smoother.  it doesn't (or shouldn't) imply that things are "so bad" that you "need counseling."
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    Been there, done that...

    Find it curious you only appeal to women for advice but, here's a guy's perspective.....

    If you don't make time for each other your relationship will die a certain death.  You need a WEEKLY "date" night....drink, dinner, McD's,library, movie, SOMETHING!

    To sit by and do nothing will only create a divide between you and your SO that you can't close.

    If you don't have the time....MAKE IT!

    Unless of course your relationship has no value then stay on your current path.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Your relationship after baby

    In Response to Re: Your relationship after baby:
    [QUOTE]Find it curious you only appeal to women for advice

    Posted by RogerTaylor[/QUOTE]
    There's only one regular male poster on here, and he's an angry one.

    Loved your work with Duran Duran, by the way. Too bad about the nervous breakdown, though.
     
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