diaper duty?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from hot-tomato. Show hot-tomato's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Ha! Wait til someone refers to your husband taking care of your child as "baby sitting"!

    Some people seem to think husbands are exempt from diaper duty or whatever. I was planning a trip for work once and someone asked, "Well, who will take care of your kids while you're away?" Um, their father?!

    I try to let it roll off my back (as I do with related types of comments, like the one my MIL once made, "I know you're a vegetarian, but will you cook chicken for DH?").

    I think your husband handled it very well!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

         A significant number of women are still the household maids, nannies, and all purpose mules  while their husband's hands only get dirty from the lawnmower or grill, once a week for 5 months a year. 
        Mostly, Mom does everything and presents only clean, properly   dressed and behaved youngsters to Daddy.

        Sickening, isn't it?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I don't understand why changing 50% of a child's diapers is any indicator that either parent is a good parent. Some people have nannies and neither mom nor dad changes the diapers or minds the child on a regular basis.  Others have a SAHM or a SAHD and she/he does the bulk of the childcare.  My dad never changed a diaper in his life. I don't doubt that he loves me or my sisters. 

    Nothing is ever 50/50 in marriage. 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

        But, ALF, there are also many families where Mom and Dad work the same number of hours outside the home.

        Still, all cleaning, laundry, diaper changing, child hygiene beyond sit in a chair and watch to see kids do not drown in the tub,  and all cooking in the house, plus all the shopping, is all considered Mom's job,  with Dad now and then being a "good sport"  and "helping out"  by "babysitting the kids." 

        Most often, for some reason, this is okay with the man, and not with his wife.  who does not see his once a month run for beer in the same light as doing all food, clothes, and household shopping.  Particularly when he expects to come back and find she has made dips and deli sandwiches for all the other guys coming over to watch the game,  too.

        Equal does not mean the exact same thing.  But when 90% of the wife's  home (after job)  time is household and child care chores,  and 10% of the husband's is related to care of home, kids, or property maintenance,  it is lousy to always be in the position of most work done, least leisure.
       I would estimate at least a third of my co-workers and neighbors have this vast inequality,  here.
       When I lived in Boston area suburbia, it was always over half.
        Most of the time, both members did not feel satisfied with the arrangement.
       Stay at home Moms, different story.   
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Yes, it's 100/100, actually, but the 50/50 sentiment is 100% correct.  My husband never does laundry, never cooks dinner, never does dishes.  I never go to a job outside our home, never shovel out the storm drain, never plow the snow, never chip wood for our mulch, never grade the driveway.  The lists of tasks that are ours alone go on and on.  Child tasks will be no different.  I'm not going to say "it's your turn to change the diaper" any more than I say "it's your turn to do the dishes."  We have our tasks, and the household runs nice and smoothly with each of our expectations happily met.  If I'm sick, or break my arm or something, he'll pitch in and do my tasks as necessary, no complaints.  Otherwise, our tasks are our tasks.  Worked for our grandparents, works for us, too.

    If I worked outside our home, our domestic tasks would be divided up and shared differently, of course.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Wag, if that arrangement works for them, then it doesn't matter what other people think. If the wife is okay w/ it, who cares? If she's not, then she can either not do the tasks or hire someone to do them.  I do everything that you cite on that list. DH will pitch in when I ask him, but it doesn't generally occur to him. Not b/c he grew up in a home where mom did everything [she didn't; the maid did it lol ] but just b/c it doesn't occur to him.  He doesn't need the house super clean or a fancy dinner on the table. I do those things b/c they are important to me.  If I complain that I am stressed out trying to get everything done, my DH's response is, why don't we get a housecleaner?  Or, why don't we go out for dinner?  

    Most men don't offer to pitch in not b/c they are lazy or think that it's 'women's work' and thus beneath them. 9 times out of 10, it simply doesn't occur to them that laundry should not pile up, or they would be perfectly happy eating tuna straight from the can for dinner, so why should they spend an hour and a half cooking. 

    It's up to a couple to decide how or if they want to divide household tasks.  If they divide that along "1950s housewife" standards, who the heck cares? 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    It really depends on what works for each couple, but to answer the OPs original question, yes, there are some people--as evidenced here--who feel that it is ok--for whatever reason, it works for them and they're entitled to that lifestyle.  It doesn't work for everyone and it's becoming rarer and rarer as more women work outside of the home and BOTH women and men have higher expectations of men's contributions to the raising of the children, but it still happens.  There is also a segment of women who enjoy martyrdom and claiming that their husbands aren't capable of doing things and make unkind remarks behind their husbands back/make disparaging remarks about men in general about these kinds of things, and they think that's ok too.  First, they disempower their husbands from any household or childcare responsibilities, and THEN, they complain when their husbands TRY to help, and THEN they complain that their husbands DON'T help or do things incorrectly.  And then there are the men who, when asked to help out with something they don't usually do or don't want to do, do it wrong intentionally so that they're never asked to do it again.  These last two dynamics are both messed up if you ask me, but for some people it works.

    Before we were married and before we had children, DH and I discussed these things and both DH and I wanted him to be heavily involved in childcaring.  If either of us hadn't wanted that, our relationship wouldn't work.  This is not "better" than any other arrangement--it's what works for us.  Household chores have ended up along traditional lines, but it's not "this is my job and this is yours."  When it snows in the winter, if the kids are napping, BOTH of us deal with the snow in the driveway.  If the kids are awake, usually DH will deal with it, but if he's been dealing with it all day, I'll take a shift.  Ditto for the recent flooding in our basement.  If I've been doing laundry, and the kids are in bed, BOTH of us will have a "folding party" while watching TV.  If it's time for spring cleaning, BOTH of us will have the mops and detergent out in different rooms of the house, or sometimes, I'll do some housecleaning while DH is mowing the lawn.  If I've been home all day with the kids, DH will spend time and play with them/change diapers for a while when he gets home b/c 1. he hasn't seen them all day and wants to spend time with them and 2. to give me a break.  Recently, the kids had their 9 month check-up at the doctor's.  I had a meeting at work that day and there was no way I could do the doctor appt.  DH took the day off of work and brought the kids to the doctor.  As always, we made a list of questions/concerns ahead of time and DH reported back later on.  I had NO qualms about him going, and I was extremely happy that he is as hands-on and capable as he is with the kids.  I can decide that I'm going out for the afternoon and not feel compelled to leave him "instructions" about taking care of the kids while I'm gone (just as he doesn't leave "instructions" for me when he leaves!).  Sure, he'll do things differently, but different does not equal wrong.  And more than anything else, when he does things differently, I NEVER EVER EVER snicker at him to my friends or family behind his back about the way he takes care of the kids.  I NEVER EVER EVER, make generalized "men" comments about him.  It's disrespectful and demeaning to both of us.


     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Kiwiguy. Show Kiwiguy's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    As a stay at home dad who cares for the baby while mummy is at her full-time office job during the week, I am getting a kick out of this thread.

    I care for the baby, work a fulltime job (around 50 hours a week), do most of the laundry (during the day while minding baby), obviously I feed and change the little guy during the day, and I take him to the doctor when required as the appointments are usually in the middle of a week/work day. Oh, I also mow the lawns, rake the leaves and shovel the snow, and over the past few weeks I have had the added joy of pumping a foot of water out of our basement and cleaning up the resulting mess.

    My wife typically cooks dinner (she is better at it anyway, although I'll do roasts and BBQ's because that's what guys do in where I grew up), and I happily do the dishes each day. We split the general household cleaning based on who is least tired when it needs to be done. My wife also has the sucky (and time consuming) job of pumping - that is one task I can't do regardless.

    Based on some of the above, I am thinking I must be a sucker and could have married "better" so I could enjoy more than just one or two rounds of golf a year, and maybe I could sneak in some ski days in the winter. Ironically my wife is more likely to host the football party than me - hey, I'm a Kiwi and rugby is my religion (it is the game played in heaven, afterall), but I digress.

    Now I know I'm not necessarily the "average guy", but I am also not some freak of nature. I have a many good friends (even some who are stay at home dads) who do just as much, if not more than me around the home and for the kids.

    I guess I feel compelled to respond, specifically to comments such as this:

    Most men don't offer to pitch in b/c they are lazy or think that it's 'women's work' and thus beneath them. 9 times out of 10, it simply doesn't occur to them that laundry should not pile up, or they would be perfectly happy eating tuna straight from the can for dinner, so why should they spend an hour and a half cooking. 

    When I first posted on these boards, a lot of people said it was great to see a dad here, to hear a dad's input, that the boards should not be called "moms", but should be "parents", or some other inclusive name. Yet, several times I have read these threads and found pretty blatant man/husband bashing, particularly with non-sensical and at times straight out offensive comments, usually with absolutely no basis of truth. Seriously - you think 90% of men are too lazy to do anything around the house?? I'm not sure if I feel sorry for your husband, or wish I was married to someone who expected so little from me in the relatonship!

    That's it from me. The little guy just woke up, so I need to give him a snuggle and change his diaper before mummy feeds him.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Oh Kiwiguy, I must have read the last sentence incorrectly.  You must have said that you were going to give the little guy a Snuggie and hand him off to mummy to feed and diaper.  Afterall, what guy knows what a snuggle is or how to change a diaper? 

    Besides, every baby wants a Snuggie.  Laughing

    Oh and BTW, my husband is with my daughter today while I'm at work.  Guess I should expect her to be messy and diaperless and crying when he picks me up.  
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Um, you are totally misreading my post.  I appear to have left out the second 'not' but it was evident from my post that I was DEFENDING men.  I was saying they are NOT lazy, just that for many of the ones that I've known whose wives complain about them all the time [and one of my friends is getting divorced over this very issue, among others], they don't view dirt and the need for a clean house in the same light. They are not hiding out in their man cave or on the golf course trying to avoid cleaning or doing housework.   There are people who don't view dirt in the same light as others or for whom what is tidy for one person is a mess to someone else.  Is that inclusive enough for you?

    My DH and I actually did discuss household chores before we got married.  Most people would walk into my house and think "wow, ti's really clean and tidy'.  I walk in and think 'what a pigsty' b/c it needs to be vacuumed or there are books/magazines lying around.  I will fully acknowledge that I have extremely high standards when it comes to a clean house. Even my mom thinks I'm over the top. I am not going to expect my DH to polish the fixtures in the bathroom.  I do that when I clean, but if he cleans the bathroom [and he does], I'm not going to grouse that he didn't do it the way I would.  Most normal, sane people wouldn't do it the way I would do it.  I'm not disempowering him or snickering at him behind his back.  I know I'm being nutty w/ how I clean and I'm not going to expect anyone do it my way or it's 'wrong'.  I do it one way when I clean, but if he wants to clean the bathroom like any other normal person would, my response is [and should be] 'great. Thanks'. 

    My point was, if people want to do things a certain way, and it works for them, if that way happens to be done along the lines of 'traditional 50s housewife' who the heck cares?  Clearly, it doesn't work for everyone, but for those that it does work for, they aren't being 'entitled' to some special kind of lifestyle, nor are they 'disempowering'  men by doing it that way.  They also aren't martyring themselves. 

    I actually make more money than my DH right now.  Yet, I am still happy to do the bulk of the indoor household chores. Probably b/c I don't view them as 'chores' most of the time.  If I could find a way to be a professional organizer, I'd probably start my own company.  There actually are 'freaks of nature' who enjoy cleaning [90% of the time]. I happen to be one of them. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    ALF - I don't have a problem when both members of a couple are satisfied with the arrangement.

         I have a problem when there is no relative parity,  and the one who does by far the least overall is happy with the other one doing everything,  while the one stuck is extremely unhappy about it.

         Not everyone has your income level.  People  who are  themselves paid less than the average house cleaner cannot go out and hire one.

      When your standards on how often the floor should be vacuumed, 1 x a week or 4 x a week, are different, it is easy to adjust, relatively.  But if a child will sit in a soiled diaper for 3 hours, getting sores, because Dad does not "do diapers"   when he is "babysitting",  a favor while his wife is out doing other family chores,  it really is appalling.   Kids have some immediate needs to be met, and both parents need to be on board with seeing to those needs.

       As for someone like you, Kar, I do see stay at home homemakers as different.  Of course you are likely to put in 40 to 50 hours more household work, before any responsibilities are divvied up.

       It is great when equitable,  and each has some kind of choice in what particular tasks they do to meet their share.

       But when it is grossly unequal, and the one doing the most, always, is unhappy,  it stinks.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Yes, Waggie, I think it works for us because of the parity.  He works hard and so do I.  We just don't share tasks, generally speaking.  I'd no more ask him to do the dishes than he would ask me to go to work for him on Monday.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Wag, I agree that the dad in your situation is letting his child suffer needlessly just so he doesn't have to dirty his hands.  That's clearly wrong and any man who let his kid sit in a poopy diaper ignored while he watched the game should be ashamed of himself.  But when the issue is whether or not dad is going to share equally in all diaper changing, I just don't see why if he does not does not that it really matters  to anyone else.  What the OP's family members were getting at was whether they were going to take turns sharing diaper changes, not whether dad is never going to change a diaper b/c eww it's gross.  I just don't see why all child care tasks or household tasks have to be shared equally by both partners or else it is a de facto unfair arrangement.   Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn't.  If people want to arrange things 'the old fashioned way', then that's their prerogative. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I, too, believe that each couple has the right to make decisions about the division of labor that works for them. I will add a thought about changing diapers, though. I honestly would feel bad for a parent who never participates in diaper changing. Yes, it can be messy and smelly. But, I often have the most fun with DS when he's on the changing table. He's usually relaxed and ready to play, sing, or laugh. It's easy to focus on each other while changing diapers. The mess and inconvenience is totally made up for by the bonding that occurs. Why would a parent choose to miss out on that?
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Good Lord, what is going on here??

    I am a SAHM and my husband works 70-80 hours per week - but guess what - when he's home he's changing those diapers - not because he's forced to or because I ask him to, because it's not a big deal and he gladly changes each one... my favorites though are when DD poops just after daddy gets home (good girl!).  If there is a blowout from my high fructose corn syrup preservative-filled breast milk, then we double team it.

    In regard to household chores, my husband and I do everything pretty much together. The only thing he doesn't do - is fold clothes because he stinks at it and I also cook. We both mow/snow blow/clean cars, wash floors, do dishes, go grocery shopping etc  Good luck to anyone who is 100% responsible for the household chores and has a baby to add to the fun - because guess what - you won't get much accomplished during the day. Especially if your baby is the queen of the 30 minute nap like my little nugget is. Going to work for 40-50 hours per week is so much easier than being with a baby all day.

    It's all about marrying the right person who fits you and your lifestyle and is going to be a PARTNER with you in the journey of parenthood.

    Wag, if those women you know married such men, that is their problem... a person should know what their spouse is going to be like before creating a family with them - I do not pity them at all.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    If he wants to, more power to him.  Maybe my DH will want to.  I certainly won't ban him from the changing duties.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I have to say one more thing, and I know it's going to p*ss you off, but I need to point this out:  we don't always get to do only the things we WANT to in life.  Sometimes there are things we HAVE TO do and we do them.  We don't always get to pick and choose.  Can you imagine going into work and saying, you know, I just don't WANT to write that report, so I'm not going to; I'm going on vacation instead.  Or, gee, honey, the roof is caving in.  I can't bother to fix it, so we'll just torch this house and move to another one.  Most adults do what needs to be done when it needs to be done because that's part of being a good citizen/good person and it really doesn't matter whether they WANT to or not.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I'm not p_ssed, but I am confused.  He'd obviously change the diaper if it's poopy and I'm not around...  I'm commenting on the "your turn" with all the household/childcare tasks idea, not the necessity of doing things that have to be done.  If he were on a business trip during a storm, I'd shovel.  If I had a cast on my hand, he'd do the dishes.  What we don't do is say that it's "your turn" 'cause I've done more than 50% of this task for awhile.

    If dividing up the tasks in a 50/50 manner works for others, go for it.  But, of course, we ALL do things we don't want to do.  He doesn't want to get up and go to work every morning, but he does.   I don't always FEEL like doing the dishes, but I do.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Ok...it came across (to me) as he has a choice in the matter of what he wants to do diaper-wise, but you don't, and I was confused as to why he has a choice in the matter and you don't.

    In my experience, very few couples alternate diaper changing.  It probably evens out in the end, but it's usually whoever happens to be holding the baby and notices they smell.  An exception to this is for DH and I is on very, um, prolific diaper days, if one of us has changed 3 or 4--or more--poopy diapers and the other one hasn't changed any, the one who has done more than their fair share, may hand the "guilty" baby to the other and say "your turn" with a cheery smile.  The lucky recipient then does it without complaint.  DH and I don't keep score, so to speak, but both of us step up as needed, when needed.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Well, you were kind of right - if I'm here and it needs doing (and he doesn't want to) I'd do it.  Our tasks are more clearly defined as mine or his than they are in your home, apparently.  We both enjoy our tasks at different levels - we didn't divide it up by likes and dislikes, down the line.  I enjoy doing dishes a lot less than I enjoy cooking, but that doesn't mean I ask him to help me with the dishes.  He enjoys chipping wood and spreading the mulch a lot more than shoveling out the storm drain, but that doesn't mean he asks me to shovel out the drain when he doesn't want to do it.  As in your work example, we do what we have to do whether it's our favorite tasks all the time or not, and, for us, that means doing "our" tasks and not asking the other to do them even if they aren't our favorite things to do.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I just fail to see how if a man doesn't change diapers or if one person performs more household tasks than another that they are not equal partners.  There are all kinds of ways to do things.  If it works for one couple, who cares if it offends the sensibilitites of someone else [who is not in the relationship] regarding what is 'fair', 'equal' or if the guy in the relationship doesn't fit a third party's idea of what constitutes an 'enlightened modern male'. If there are women who are married to men who refuse to do things around the house or w/ childcare, and this is not a set up that the woman had in mind when she got married, well, I don't pity her at all either. These are things that should have been addressed before they got married, and again before they had kids.   

    No one in their right mind looks forward to changing diapers. It's just something that needs to be done. I have no doubt that my DH will change diapers, assuming he's not deployed overseas at the time that our as yet unconceived child is born.  
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Addressing the issues beforehand is crucial.  As we've seen here, people's ideas about it span a WIDE spectrum, and people tend to assume that everyone thinks the way they do until discussed outright.  Surprises in this department in a marriage are a big problem.  I knew what our arrangement would be if we ever did get married before our first date thanks to eHarmony's essay questions.  If I weren't onboard with the lifestyle he proposed, we would have closed the match before we ever met, no harm, no foul.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Kiwiguy. Show Kiwiguy's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    I'm crazy because I actually enjoy spending time making my son laugh as I change his diaper. Even the poopy ones.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    There's a difference between enjoying spending time w/ one's child and bonding w/ that child and enjoying poopy diapers.  Poopy diapers are a fact of life.  So are taxes. Most people don't enjoy them, even though they do enjoy the good things that those necessary evils bring w/ them - the love of a child and the benefit one gets from the social welfare programs that one's taxes pay for.  No sane person looks forward to poopy diapers for the sake of poopy diapers. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Re: diaper duty?

    Boy do I miss my DH helping with the diapers!  He had surgery and can't lift our DD for a couple more days.  BUT, she is now 2 and twice this past weekend he figured out to have her climb on a chair and get on the changing table.  Genius!  So, I did get out of a couple of him.  I am a SAHM and we generally split the household stuff.  I certainly take care of a lot of it since I am here and if I can get it done during the week then that leaves the weekends free for family time.  Someone mentioned that there DH didn't fold laundry.  Mine doesn't either but I have known that since I met him and I'm okay with that.  It's one thing he didn't learn in boarding school (darn laundry service).
     

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