Facebook Vent

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Facebook Vent

    I really don’t like Facebook...I’m not on Facebook because I don’t want personal information about myself on the internet.  But it doesn’t prevent my mother from posting about me.  I told her I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks, and made it clear to her that I was keeping it a secret from everyone else besides immediate family until I was 3 or 4 months along.  I am 18 weeks and just had my first ultrasound today (and found out the sex!!) so I am now ready to tell people.  I was really looking forward to telling my closest friends back home (in another state).  

    Flash back to when I was 6 weeks pregnant.  I get a call from my sister the day after I told them I was pregnant.  My mother had posted on FB about my pregnancy.  I quickly got her on the phone asked her to remove it immediately, reminding her that I said not to tell anyone never mind broadcasting it over the internet.  I hadn’t even been to the doctor yet.  She is also friends on FB with some of my girlfriends that I grew up with.  One of them saw her post before she took it down, so I had to do damage control there.  Since then, I have reminded her repeatedly that I don’t want it posted on FB at all and I didn’t plan to tell work or my friends until after my ultrasound.  I’ve been very nervous because I have had cramping and bleeding and such, so I needed the comfort of the ultrasound and the doctors okay before I announced it.  I told her she could tell some of her friends if she wanted, just not on Facebook.  

    Fast forward to today.  I had my ultrasound and everything was perfect!  The heart and brain and everything checked out perfectly.  I was so relieved to hear the doctor tell me that my baby looks perfect.  Now I was ready to tell my friends.  So I call them very excited to share the news and hear their reaction!  Well, they already knew.  My mother posted it on FB this past Monday.  I called her and asked her why she posted on FB again after I had told her not to and explained that while I understand she is excited, I had my reasons for waiting to tell people and was really looking forward to sharing my news myself.  She ended up getting really upset and hanging up on me.

    Arg!  I guess I can choose not to have a FB profile, but how can you protect your privacy when others can post personal info about you.  Rhetorical question, just needed to vent.  I feel a little better.
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    First off, congratulations! That's awesome news!

    Unfortunately, it seems you know your answer: you can't tell Mom until you're ready for the world to know. She's upset with you because she knows that she shouldn't have done it, she can't justify her actions, and she probably isn't going to change.

    It's something I don't understand either, but plenty of folks see absolutely no problem in posting other people's news. Ironically, you might be better off setting up an account and friend-ing her, so at least you'll be alerted as to everything she puts up there. Don't delude yourself that she won't be posting pictures the minute she has them, because she will.

    Good luck!
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Thanks!  It's such a great feeling knowing the baby is off to a great start and getting to see him!

    I know, I definitely regret telling her so soon, and she is even more sensitive (and often irrational) because she is going through menopause.  Honestly, it's not the end of the world, but just really frustrating.  It felt good to vent though. 
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    We can't tell my stepmom or MIL anything until we want the world to know, so we just don't tell them.  When we get push back about "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!?!?" we sweetly say, "We didn't want to put you in the position of having to keep the secret, because we know that's hard for you." 

    I think this would be harder if I were DYING to tell either of them, but I'm really not.  But having been burned by both in the past -- one strike and you're out, with me. 
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from thistleflower. Show thistleflower's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Leila, that sucks :(  I have no useful advice, but I would be completely livid if someone else did that to me.  I made it explicit when I told family that they should not put the information on facebook, and luckily so far they've complied with that.
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Okay...all I can say is..Wow..and I mean...WOW....your mother has such a blatant disregard for your personal privacy that it is beyond words to me.. Not to mention the message that she is clearly sending you..that she cannot be trusted. She completely disrespected your wish for privacy and her actions are particularly cruel in light of the fact that you were having complications early on. I had complications early in both of my pregnancies and only told those closest to me...that should have been your right as well.
    As much as I love and adore my 9 month old baby niece..I would never..ever post any of the dozens of pictures I have of her on Facebook. The way I look at it is that's the parents' perogative..and their place to ..not mine. As my son would say...your mother's actions are more proof that people of a certain age should not be using social media..lol..they have no clue of its etiquette..lol
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    In Response to Re: Facebook Vent:
    Holy Cannoli!
    Very innocently, sweetly, "I wouldn't want to trust you with a secret you can't keep.  I know it would hurt you to know you betrayed my trust."
    or, as CG put it,

    "We didn't want to put you in the position of having to keep the secret, because we know that's hard for you."
    Posted by GC1016

  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from wedoct09. Show wedoct09's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Leila, I feel your pain.  Same thing happened to me with my in laws, twice!  We got engaged the week before Christmas and told only our parents and siblings.  We asked to keep it a secret and would tell the rest of the family at Christmas, well, by the time we got to the party on Xmas eve, everyone already knew.  This year, I hit the 12 week mark at beginning of December and planned to tell the extended family again at Christmas and when we got there they already knew, MIL had spilled again.  So frustrating and DH always defends her. 

  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    In Response to Re: Facebook Vent:
    As my son would say...your mother's actions are more proof that people of a certain age should not be using social media..lol..they have no clue of its etiquette..lol
    Posted by miscricket

    HA!  So true.

    I talked to her again last night.  Since she seemed less emotional, I explained again my reasons for not wanting things on FB and how I had very specific reasons for waiting until after my appointment yesterday to make an announcement – namely, the complications I was having.  The only person who knew about the complications is my husband...she says “Oh, I had no idea!  That changes everything! You never told me you were having complications!”  and I basically said – can you blame me for not telling you?  I can see the post on FB now “Please pray for my daughter who is having complication in her pregnancy.”  

    Unfortunately, she still doesn’t understand that the bigger issue is FB...she made a comment before we hung up that now that I’m ready to make my announcement, I should start a profile on FB to let everyone know. Sighhhhhhh...oh well, lesson learned on my end.  For the next one, I wont be telling anyone until I am ready for the world to know.  I’m sure the FB issue will surface again when she wants to post baby pictures.

    Thanks for listening to my vent!

  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Congratulations and best wishes regarding the complications!

    I think RFBF has great advice; I totally agree.  As much as you don't want to accept this about your mom, she enjoys gossiping/sharing about you more than she respects your need to share things on your own timetable.  She's demonstrated very clearly that she won't respect your needs regarding privacy so if you tell her anything and ask her, again, to keep it to herself, expect her to disappoint you, again, and post before you give her the go ahead.  

    Very disappointing...I know it's terrible to have to accept that you must keep important things from your mom to protect your privacy. 

    I'm reminded of how I heard Prince Charles weeded out friends he couldn't count on to keep his privacy.  He'd give them false information and then see if it ended up in the papers.  Hmmm.
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from LilSprout. Show LilSprout's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Leila - I'm with everyone else about the facebook thing (it's awesome and evil at the same time) but also wanted to say congrats! 

    And Kar - interesting about Prince Charles!  Smart guy!

  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Congrats on your pregnancy!  Probably not the last time you'll need to vent.  :)
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from purplecow89. Show purplecow89's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Consider this a blessing in disguise.  Now you know not to tell this woman anything personal ever again that you don't want posted for the world, especially about the pregnancy and birth, etc.  You will not change her so now you know to censor what you tell her before she starts telling the world how many stitches you've got or when the doctor says you can have relations again (trying not to get filtered here...) etc.

  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    I have nothing to add, I just want to say I'm sorry you can't share all the little moments of your pregnancy (like feeling the baby kick for the first time, ultrasounds, doctor's appointment info with your mom because of this sharing issue, and that your big special moments of sharing the biggest news of your life with friends and family was ruined by your mom's excitement for you.

    I feel sad along with angry for you. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug on that one. It's not just the anger, it's the betrayal and the loss too.
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Leila- same virtual hug as from everyone else- my SIL posted photos of my baby right after he was born, about 5 hours before we started calling people... I don't really understand the desire to post prior to the parents... but I have learned my lesson.

    I told the people who I called (who were not pleased) that i started with my brother, and that making personal phone calls just took a little longer, with caring for the baby, so I was sorry I didn't have a chance to reach them before the posting and left it at that.  I would assume that most people would understand that you told your mom first... not that it makes it better, but having people upset with you for other's actions makes it all worse.

    Oh- and for the future- if your mom lives locally, and you are afraid of her posting photos, I would simply hand her print outs. If she asks for electronic ones, I would ask her why she needs them. That has worked for me (and my mom is across the country) so far.

    good luck- and congrats on the healthy baby!
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    I feel like the old and the young don't understand the ramifications of facebook AT ALL. I'm fairly careless about the amount of information I display, but I limit my "friends" to people with whom I am actually friends and my online mom's group. I know I should be more careful.

    But if her age group is any indication, your mom probably doesn't have decent security settings on her account either. She could be setting herself -- and others -- up for identity theft or other problems. It might help if you send her one of the "what not to post on fb" lists like this one: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/01/what-not-to-post-on-facebook_n_764338.html#s157112&title=Your_Birth_Date. That way she'll know that there's a real danger involved, and it's not just you being persnickety or something.
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from jackbu. Show jackbu's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    This is why I will not buy mt mother a computer.  She is glued to her cell phone and calls anyone who will listen.

    I believe firmly that if you don't want something on the front page of The Boston Globe, then don't tell anyone.
    I know it is hard to keep being pregnant a secret, but tell her that if she does not honor your requests, you will keep her out of the information loop on other things.

    Facebook to me is merely a device to seek out old friends, and to post some witty comments.
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from jennifyr78. Show jennifyr78's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Hi Leila -first, congrats on the ultrasound and the reasurrance that your baby is healthy!  I understand on the mom issue.  We had a m/c at 6 weeks in December and only told our parents.  Pretty soon everyone knew. 

    This time, when we got pregnant, we waited until almost 10 weeks to tell them, and gave them explicit instructions not to tell ANYONE until we gave them the OK.  Because we had already had conversations with them about how upset we were that they spread the new about the m/c, they actually have honored our request, so far. 

    My mom is chomping at the bit to tell people, so I finally told her it was okay to tell a few of her close friends who don't know anyone else in my circle, and won't accidentally spill the beans to someone I wanted to tell in person.  But, I made her wait for that until we had our early ultrasound last weekend.  Now that we are in the 13th week, we have begun telling some other family and friends as we see them in person, but have made it very clear to everyone that we do not want anything posted on facebook or shared with anyone else just yet.  When we have made the phone calls or seen the people we want to tell in person, we will probably send an announcement email and post the news on FB ourselves, and then everyone will know that it is common knowledge and they can discuss freely. 

    Good luck going forward!
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    it is amazing the info that can be had on FB...i'm one of those FB users...i use it to keep in contact with old friends from my childhood...i am amazed who i've reconnected with.

    it seems your mom is excited about the pregnancy, thats why she's blabbing it on FB.... 
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Thanks for all the virtual hugs!

    Lemonmelon - thanks for that link...I am going to send it to her now because I just found her in a google search (along with photos of my family).  I think I'll also send it to my sis because I noticed one of the things not to do is post your children's names, which my sister does often...I didn't even think about that one.
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    If we can lure daisy into this piece she might have some good advice -- I think she went through something similar. I just think that it's really hard for older people to understand how far-reaching this technology is, and how it could be used for evil. We'll probably shame and dismay our kids some day with incomprehensible technology too.
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    As Lemon mentioned, I've had some experience with this kind of thing.  My MIL was posting pics of the kids, all kinds of random info about our lives, pics of our house--inside and out, etc.  I found it annoying, but didn't say anything other than occasional grumblings to DH about it.  MIL lives quite a ways away and only sees the kids (her only grandkids so far) 2 or 3 times a year at most, and I know she misses them (and her son) intensely, so I really tried to be tolerant of this stuff.  She's also not originally from the US and moved here when she was a teenager.  Through FB, she has been able to reconnect with old friends and family (she hasn't been back since she left) and I understand that, like any grandparent, she wants to show off pictures of her grandkids.  The difference is that since these people are thousands of miles away, she can't pull out a photo album to show these people.  (Time and distance from the incident I'm going to tell you about have given me some perspective....)

    SO...several months ago, MIL just started posting random pics of the kids from when they were babies with comments about how much she misses them and how they live near Boston, etc.  As usual, I bristled, but let it go.  THEN she posted a pic of our kitchen from right after it was re-done, talking about how she missed cooking in it (there's a whole 'nother story about that that I won't go into now, but that just added to my irritation). 

    Some additional background info is that MIL would occasionally post embarrassing comments to my Wall.  I don't think she knew everyone could see them, but I still don't know why she felt the need to post about her IBS acting up and spending the weekend in the bathroom.  Some things just don't need to be shared.

    I had the privacy settings on FB set pretty high (not as high as they are now) and I am fairly selective about my "friends" (no random people from high school who want to "friend" me even though we never spoke to one another in high school...no one from work...almost all extended family and people I'm actually friends with in real life).  So, even though I'm reasonably conservative about the info I make available, it's nothing that most of the people wouldn't know or couldn't easily get through other friends or family.

    Meanwhile, I belong to a smallish mother's group that has a very active Facebook group and I was posting to it frequently.  The settings at the time were such that the group was searchable, but you needed permission to join.  Someone in the group posted a link to an article somewhere and I commented on it.  What I didn't realize was that posting the comment to the link resulted in the link showing up on my Profile along with my comment.  THEN, the same article pops up on my Home page "via the person in my mother's group who posted it."  I'm not "friends" with this person on FB outside of that group and it's certainly not anyone my MIL knows.

    That's when it all hit the fan.  Between the TMI posts to my wall, the frequent sharing of mine and DH's personal info, posting pics of the kids all the time, etc., and NOW sharing a link via someone she doesn't even know, I had had it.  I upped my privacy settings even more.  The mother's group page was upgraded to "secret" after some discussion about what had happened.  And to add even more insult to injury, someone in the mother's group tried to look at MIL's FB page and through that, I discovered that MIL had NO privacy settings set up on FB.  I immediately called DH.  He was also really upset about this and called her immediately to let her know that she needs to set up the privacy settings.  To her credit, SHE was horrified that anyone and everyone could see everything she posted.  She immediately took down all of her recent posts about the kids and pics of our house, etc. and DH talked her through the privacy settings.

    Again, time has given me a lot of perspective about this, and I know that she really didn't know, but at the time, I was infuriated about this turn of events (it escalated from irritated to infuriated over the course of a couple hours.).  At the time, I really felt like she was stalking me and I was feeling like my privacy and normal online interactions with my friends were being invaded.  Since then, I really don't post much to my Wall/Profile (I didn't post much before, but I post less now).  MIL has been much better about not posting all kinds of random pics of the kids and personal details about us after the crash course in online security from DH (who is VERY computer and internet savvy).

    I am not bothered by my siblings or BIL posting occasional pics of their niece and nephew.  My siblings have both had profile pics that included one of my kids, and I thought it was odd, but it didn't bother me.  The main thing for me is that they aren't posting specific info about the kids and they have fairly stringent privacy settings on their accounts.  I actually untag pictures of myself on FB whenever I get a notice that I've been tagged.

    Unfortunately, if you don't want pics of yourself or your kids showing up on the internet, you have to do your best to ensure that they don't have access to the digital images.  Problem is that people can still scan printed pics and post those.  In the end, you can't control everything, but you can be as vigilant as possible.  I think someone else suggested getting an FB account for the sole purpose of policing what is being posted about your family.  After my experience with MIL, I tend to agree.  You can make your profile unsearchable so that other people can't find you and "invite" you to be their friend.  This gives you a fair amount of control to only be friends with certain people who you choose to reach out to. 

    In the end, you just have to be vigilant about what you're putting out there, but you can't completely control what other people do.  You can't prevent MILs or your own mother from taking pics of the kids, so the more you can do to police that, the better--even if it means gritting your teeth and getting an FB account.

  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    Wow.  Thanks for sharing that Daisy.  My mom is in the same boat...she is one of the few people she grew up with that moved away and never returned, so FB is a great tool for her that has allowed her to reconnect with a lot of old friends and distant family members.  But like lemonmelon said, she still doesn’t truly understand that there are dangers with posting information on the internet.  She is actually coming to visit in a few weeks so I think I will sit down with her and go over the privacy setting with her.

    Unfortunately, she is the type of person who can’t completely grasp something unless it has happened to her personally.  In this instance, she couldn’t fathom waiting to tell people about the baby because she never had complications (she had children in her early 20s, I am in my 30s).  

    I’m less concerned with pictures being posted...she currently only has a few pictures posted of my nieces and nephews and doesn’t include any compromising information – like full names and where they live.  She really just has a problem posting TMI (like your MIL) on her wall and others walls about our family. 

    I hear what you’re saying about having a FB account just to police what is being posted, but I really can’t bring myself to join.  Plus, all of my sisters are on there and do a pretty good job of keeping an eye on her...that’s how I found out about her posts in the first place.

    Thanks again for sharing...

    p.s. Lemon – I sent that link to her, thanks again.
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    There is a Criminal Minds episode that's about a serial killer who find his victims because they post constantly on "social networking sites" and he uses that information to stalk and eventually murder them.

    My mother saw it and now thinks Facebook is the devil in digital form. We tried telling her that it is just a fictional show, but that didn't work. The upside is that we don't have to worry about her having an account to post minutiae now.
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Facebook Vent

    The most-recent new fad that creeps me out a bit is the little "family" stickers that people put on their cars' rear windows.  There's often a couple of adult figures along with kid figures of various sizes and genders and occasionally a pet or two represented.  I'm sure people think this is cute and that it's a nice way to represent their family/something about themselves, but I am so freaked out by them.  All a predator-type has to do is follow these people around, possibly to their homes, and now, for instance, they know:  this person has 3 small children, 2 of whom are girls/boys--and WHERE THEY LIVE!  Depending on the location, it might be easy to drive by on occasion to get a feel for when they're home or when the kids might be unsupervised in the yard...or if there's a playground nearby that they go to, etc.  This scares the bejesus out of me and I can't figure out why people advertise this information so readily!  I know that the vast majority of people out there aren't predators, but there are a handful of creeps out there who could take advantage of this information and do a lot of damage just by walking around a parking lot looking for a family configuration that might suit what they're looking for.