posted at 5/2/2012 8:29 AM EDT
I think the couple is practicing using OPKs so they'll know what is a positive so that they'll know when to use their "male supply" the exact same way a couple would use them to time sex. It's been pretty clear from this board that it can be difficult for people to get used to using them to determine their positive.
If I were in their position, I would be using both OPKs (to practice) and temping (to confirm).
ETA: To the OP, I have friends who were/are in the same position. They are currently actively trying, but we're not close enough that I would feel comfortable asking how they went about choosing a donor. Best of luck to you!
posted at 5/2/2012 9:09 AM EDT
Indeed, they are not useless even in their situation (they are certainly better than guessing or using the Day 14 average!), they just shouldn't be used exclusively with respect to ovulation confirmation and timing. Why no further discussion with the OP?
posted at 5/2/2012 9:22 AM EDT
Kar, she's new and I think you've scared her off, to be honest - even though your intentions are very good, and your research and knowledge is spot on.
posted at 5/2/2012 9:28 AM EDT
The process she's embarking on is long and scary. If she can't handle me or the fact that she's going about learning the intricacies of her cycle in an obtuse, less accurate and precise way than temping she can't be that
eager to learn.
ETA: And, I think it's pretty clear that I'm getting frustrated and responding to everyone coming back with "OPKs work," in response to my explaining why temping is superior for their needs right now in such a manner that makes it sound like it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other. It's not, and thinking that it is can cost her good information that can contribute to her eventual success. And, I'm getting frustrated with the argument. If that scares her off that's really sad.
These are the things she needs to talk about. Scary, complicated, whatever. And, I obviously care given I'm clearly driven to make a point simply for the OP's good. It's not like I don't have anything else to do.
She has the time she needs starting right now to get a great temp chart to bring to the RE and use for their ultimate benefit. Wasting time with OPKs instead is something worth shaking her shoulders over. It can take 6+ months to get a nice, solid, useful temp chart since it not only takes practice, but it takes awhile to allow the patterns to emerge. If she wastes that time she can't get it back.
posted at 5/2/2012 10:09 AM EDT
The OP said they're planning to start within the next 3 months, so it makes perfect sense that they would want to use OPKs to practice for a couple of months to make sure they're using them correctly. They aren't planning on waiting another 6+ months. They just want to know exactly what OPK will tell them, that ovulation is likely to occur in the next couple of days so they know when to try, the same philosophy used by heterosexual couples trying to conceive.
Maybe temping doesn't work for them. It works great for some people, but it doesn't make much sense for others. In fact, Kargiver, isn't that why you've used OPKs in the past? It really isn't as complicated as you're making it out to be.
I would agree that temping should be a part of the puzzle, but there is no harm in doing OPKs, too. If they want to spend the money to use them, there is no disadvantage to gaining more information. It's not wasted time. It's practice time for when they will be using them for the real deal.
posted at 5/2/2012 10:16 AM EDT
Yes, temping doesn't work for everyone including me. However, it's something that should be tried because of the preciseness of the timing and proof of ovulation it gives. If that is tried and it doesn't yield any information, OPKs are better than nothing. And, of course, there's no harm in doing them, too. But, given the preciseness that can be obtained by temping I don't understand why they aren't doing it or discussing it. But, whatever. I wish them the best in however they decide to go about figuring out her cycles and getting pregnant.
posted at 5/2/2012 11:14 AM EDT
Maybe the OP read your informative posts and is now planning to temp instead. Who knows. Just because she didn't come back and validate your posts, doesn't mean she didn't absorb or appreciate the information. I find your posting in capital letters and bold print extremely rude.
I do think I get what you're saying - temping is more precise (and conclusive proof of ovulation??), so it would save a woman time and $$ to know exactly which day to attempt insemination, rather than knowing a window of when she might be ovulating based on LH surge... Right?
posted at 5/2/2012 12:00 PM EDT
I don't understand your passion here, either, Kar, or your semi attack on the oP for not coming back and discussing the OPK v. temping "issue" further. I do see your point that OPKs are indicative of LH surge and window of time to have s*x but not proof that ovulation occurred. However, I think you are missing the point of the OP's initial posting. She wasn't asking about best ways to prepare for insemination in the months leading up to starting to try for a baby; rather, she was asking if anyone had any information or advice about choosing sperm donors or other resources for same-sex couples embarking on this process. If you read back through her posts, there is nothing in them to indicate either way whether she has been temping or not. The fact that she said she was using OPKs has no bearing on whether or not she is temping; she may be doing both. In either case, it sounds like she's been advised by a RE to use the OPKs and I'm sure she's going to follow that advice. Your comments, while potentially helpful to some, and certainly informative about the different pros and cons of temping v. OPK, are also significantly distracting from the discussion that the OP wanted, which was for people to offer advice about the process of sperm donors etc., which is a shame since I think it's a valid question that hasn't been asked before.
posted at 5/2/2012 12:14 PM EDT
I'm sorry for being rude.
But, the passion arises from the fact that she might get one shot at this when it's a go. Temping gives more information than what she's doing and every time I'd suggest that someone would tell her how great OPKs are, too. They aren't equal, and when the stakes are this high it matters.
I feel like people were too worried about validating what she's doing for the sake of being validating at the expense of the truth, and it was getting me angry. Coddling, patronizing, and over-validating a less than optimal choice of figuring out her cycle as accurately as possible isn't going to help her get pregnant.
posted at 5/2/2012 12:25 PM EDT
To the OP:
My partner and I adopted our daughter, but we have friends (local and not) who have gone the sperm donor route. Our local friends used a sperm bank in Newton called New England Cryogenic. Some things to consider when choosing a bank include whether they place any limits on the number of times a donor can be used (some pull the donor from circulation once X number of children have been born with his sperm) and whether they have donors who are willing to be contacted by your child once your child turns 18 (if this is important to you or if you think it might be important to your child). Other friends used banks far from them (Sperm Bank of California, I think?), and would have the sperm Fed Exed to their doctor as needed -- so you don't necessarily have to find a sperm bank nearby.
For a general overview of parenting issues for same-sex couples, you might check out The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook by April Martin (I think it was published awhile ago -- it might be a little out-of-date). Good luck!
posted at 5/2/2012 10:43 PM EDT
I just wanted to offer support to the original poster. Good luck and many blessings to you and your partner!
posted at 5/3/2012 12:52 PM EDT
Hi, OP here -
Thank you to those offering support while we are navingating this! I had given up on the discussion a few days ago since it wasn't really leading in a direction that was useful for me. Pretty much exactly what Rama said sums it up. I regret even even mentioning OPK's, as I didn't have any questions about them, we are meeting with a doctor and midwife who specialize in artificial insemination -and I fully trust their direction.
Kar thank you for your passion about temping, opk's and tracking ovulation, and while its clear you have knowledge of this, its also clear that you don't have much knowledge or experience with sperm donation and the issues of same-sex parenting/conceiving. you did not "scare me away" - you just took my question off into a whole different direction that was not what I came here for, and you did it without much compassion, I have to say. it was fairly accusatory. so i didnt feel the need to hang around!
lauren, jmd, rama & others, thank you for your suggestions and experiences- we've done tons and tons of googling and calling various banks in the last two weeks and have settled on one with the lowest allowed # of children allowed per donor, and its a non-profit which is also reassuring. would still love to hear of (or start, if any lurkers out there are interested) a social support group for other couples (or single women) in the boston area who have done this - as it would be great to converse with others who are running into similar crazy things as us in selecting a donor.
posted at 5/3/2012 1:02 PM EDT
also thanks kiwi and medford for those group references, I will check them out!
posted at 5/3/2012 1:03 PM EDT
What I didn't have compassion for was what sounded like people's patronizing you to me - what a great idea OPKs are when temping will give you a better idea of what you're looking to learn. I'm sorry for taking the thread in a negative direction, and I hope it's obvious I'm wishing you the best outcome. Otherwise, I'd have never bothered with the OPK thing in the first place, I'd say, well, gosh, if that's what she wants to do what's it to me. There is such a thing as over-validation, and that doesn't help anyone succeed.
Hope to have no hard feelings.
posted at 5/3/2012 1:15 PM EDT
No one said anything encouraging or validating OPK's to me but you - with your very first post - without any best wishes, welcome or anything. which immediately made me think, well those forums must be a bust unless you are in the club!
no hard feelings though- i'm not one to hold those (especially with strangers online!)...and i was fully prepared for the barrage of "what you're doing is unnatural" haters - so no big deal at all.
posted at 5/3/2012 1:52 PM EDT
Welcome to the club Snow, you've just been hazed. :) Keep us in the loop!
posted at 5/3/2012 1:53 PM EDT
I picked up on something you were doing I thought might be less than optimal and, given the importance, ran with it. Sorry for the lackluster welcome... Welcome!
posted at 5/4/2012 11:57 AM EDT
Looks like Fenway Community Health offers workshops/support groups -- check out this page on their web site:http://www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_srv_services_LGBT
(If the link doesn't work, go to fenwayhealth.org and click on services, then click on LGBT Family & Parenting Services.)
Again, best of luck to you and your wife!