April TTC

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: April TTC

    TC, they are 5.  I doubt they know. If parents do share that w/ kids, I would hope they wait till the kids are old enough to grasp the concept.  5 is way too young.

    My best friend is adopted, as is her sister. They know they are adopted, but I have no idea how old they were when they were told that. I would hope it's older than 5. 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Maybe we can just agree to disagree on this one.
    We had a very long evaluation and conversation with a social worker who specializes in donor egg cycles and was very well-versed in the studies on adults who come from donor eggs.  Very consistent in the studies is that those who were not told from an early age did have some resentment.  They strongly recommend telling the children as part of their story growing up.

    I sort of don't get the argumentative tone here.  I am not worried about confusing my child why are you?  I am confident that we are going to do a great job with this and certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion.  Hopefully, Kar this won't be something that you have to deal with in the future because my wish is that things work out for you without having to go through these lengths.  But, even if you did, I am sure you would do a great job explaining things to your child as well.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from am1028. Show am1028's posts

    Re: April TTC

    I agree with LIL.  I think it should just be a part of their growing up story.  Something they don't remember finding out, but rather that they just knew about.  My sister was adopted and we always just knew it.  My parents just told her and us from the very beginning (she was adopted when she was two weeks old and before me or my other sister were born).  I have no recollection of learning she was adopted and neither does she.  Consequently, it was no big deal.  I really think this is the way it should be.  I don't know why donor egg should be any different.  You don't have to explain all the details in either case.  You just simply say something like "mommy and daddy were having trouble having a baby, so a nice lady helped us out and we were able to have you.  We are very grateful to her."  Once the child is old enough to understand or want to know more details, you can tell them.  It would be no different than if my daughter asked me at a very young age where she came from....if I thought she was too young for the "s#x talk", I would just say something like "mommy and daddy love each other very much and that love made you.  You grew in mommy's tummy until you were ready to come out".  Just because she asked, doesn't mean I'd give her all the details about the birds and the bees if I thought she was too young to understand.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Not meaning to have a negative tone.  Just trying to understand how a child can process "egg donor" without any supporting knowledge that will allow them to process it in a useful way.  I totally agree that, yes, if you hold out on this info too long (past the age and point they get the sex talk), of course there will be resentment, "Why didn't you TELL me when you told me about the birds and the bees?!"  However, it's what we mean by "early age" that we seem to disagree about and what kind of supporting information/context is necessary for them to actually understand enough for it to "count" as having been told.  Having you speak the words "egg donor" doesn't make it such that they've been told if they have no idea what you meant.  If they don't understand what you're telling them you can't be preventing the resentment by saying words they don't process because they are too young and don't have a frame of reference to place the information.

    If we actually disagree on that, I'd find it strange, but totally will let it go in peace.  :)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    For what it's worth, I have three now-adult cousins who knew all along that they were adopted, and they seemed fine with the idea. As a matter of fact, they kind of lorded it over the rest of us because they were chosen because they were special and we just kind of happened after a party or when the Celtics made the playoffs.

    As far as kids understanding the process, I think that an egg is easier to understand than the complexity of intercourse. It sounds like LIL is planning to do what the advice columnists always advise -- answer the question the child asks, without a lot of extraneous information. The kid will let you know when he's ready for more answers by asking more questions.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: April TTC

    am stole the words out of my mouth.  I agree that regardless of what the story is, it should be part of the child's story early on.  They may not know what egg donor means, but it will be part of their vocabulary so that when they do understand, ideally they won't feel strange about it.  Waiting for the birds and bees talk seems a little late to me... Do kids truly process the birds and bees talk when they are 11 (or whatever)?  I would say not entirely, but we still give it to them.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    I still haven't processed the birds and bees talk. I mean, I understand intercourse and reproduction, and I have a sort of tenuous grasp of the function of bees as pertains to pollination, but I don't understand how birds factor in, or what one has to do with another. They seem like two different sports to me.

    Of course, my (very religious) parents never gave me any sort of talk. They left that to chance, Judy Blume, and the secret magazine collections of other friends' fathers and brothers.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from SilverFestiva. Show SilverFestiva's posts

    Re: April TTC

    wierd, the CMO at my company is named Jennifer Joyce...although Joyce is her last name.

    (sorry, little late reply to that piece...)
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: April TTC

    lemon - Thank God for the book "Forever" right?   That was my talk. :)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Another Jennifer Joyce on the boards, ams?  That's too nutty!  I've never known a Jennifer Joyce; how did I literally dream up a name that two of you know people with?  And, it doesn't seem like an all that common a combo does it?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    luckinlife -- I might never recover from Wifey. Why did she keep referring to her cold sore as "a herpes?" I have to say, without context or supplemental materials those books raised more questions than they answered. Of course, now there's the internets -- you don't have to look things up in the dictionary or try to work up the courage to ask the librarian for the biology section or whatever.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: April TTC

    (The herpes virus causes cold sores)
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    I do know that the herpes virus causes cold sores, but I think if I had one I'd try to pass it off as a pimple or at least refer to it in the most euphamistic terms possible instead of telling everyone, including potential suitors, that it's herpes.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Flaxen, I'm sorry I gave your thread herpes.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from CookieM. Show CookieM's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Thanks, Lemonmelon.  What an absolute riot!  I was lurking because we're due to start meds for our first IVF (skipped IUI-two blocked tubes), and I'm starting to get nervous.  Your last post practically made choke on my drink.  I needed that.  Thanks for the distraction.  This board has been such a help.  Best wishes for everyone in April! 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Good luck buddy! I am sending positive thoughts your way.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from half-full. Show half-full's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Good luck CookieM!!

    AFM:  I'm enjoying the month of just not worrying about ttc.  Actually, we had a room that was our "study" but that we hadn't decorated, expecting that it would be a nursery soon.  After 12 months of a mostly-empty room, it was like a constant reminder that we we're pregnant.  This month, we decided to make it into a guest bedroom (decorated in a lovely yellow that could easily become a nursery...).  Next month, its back to injections and IUI, but for now, I'm just not going to stress.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Good luck CookieM! 

    Lemon - I never read Wifey, but seriously, I can relate to learning so much from those books but you are so right about there being more questions than answers often.  Did you ever read "Then again maybe I won't"?  Took me half the book to realize he was talking about and even then I wasn't so sure!  

    Maybe Judy Blume will write a book on donor eggs.  I'm sure that will clear things up for everyone. Ha Ha

    Half -full - We have referred to our upstairs bathroom as the "kids bathroom" for the past 3 years.  It recently was renamed for our dog walker who often stays at our house.  I can relate!!

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Telling the child that mommy and daddy love you and had to get some kind of help to have the child are one thing. Telling a 5 yo the mechanics of donor eggs and implantation seems like it would not be much help. I agree that the child should be told at a relatively early age that this was involved so that you don't spring this info on them when they are 11, but don't know how much detailed medical info is necessary when the child can't even cross the street by him/herself. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Maybe you could put the medical information on the other side of the street and let the kid know that when he can reach it on his own, he can discover the mysteries of reproduction.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Lemon, you made me laugh out loud!  Again, I am not worried so I am not sure why others are worried.  I promise to post when my child is getting therapy for the donor talk. 
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: April TTC

    I'm sure we'll have something to say about that, too.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from am1028. Show am1028's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Actually, LIL, it would be better if you posted before your child is in therapy, right after the donor talk because we are all so wise that we could probably all help you avoid those expensive therapy bills.

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: April TTC

    Honestly, you can tell the child he/she was the result of aliens performing weird experiments in the night for all I care. If you post something, expect people to comment on it.

    I dont' care what you tell your kid or when you tell them. I just think that before you even get to the stage where the child can reason enough to wonder about these things that there would be a million and one things to worry about first, not the dreaded question of 'where did I come from".  And where the child was physically born from the mother, the answer is 'mommy's tummy' whether or not you use your own eggs or someone else's.  I can see where you may need to offer more info for adopted children than ones born using IVF or some assisted method.  I just don't under stand why this is such a worry before the child is conceived, while the child is in utero or while the child is in diapers. I get that moms worry about anything and everything, I just don't see the point in borrowing worry, like worrying about whether the kid will want a tattoo when he/she is 16 or what school they will go to. There is ample to worry about w/o worrying about stuff that you can wait at least 5 years to worry about. 

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from am1028. Show am1028's posts

    Re: April TTC

    ALF, Luckinlife was not worried about it.  Someone asked about how they might explain the donor thing, and she said they had thought alot about it and stated what they plan to do, at which point people commented.  Kar was the one who seemed most worried about the idea of telling the child so early, before he or she would be able to process the information.  LIL actually stated multiple times that she didn't understand why everyone else was so concerned when she is not.  I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but honestly, she is not concerned, so why should we be?
     

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