Do I have to?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Do I have to?

    Okay, I am having a bit of a freak out here.  I am starting to wonder if I should have kids after all.

    I had one of my best friends to visit today and she had her twin boys w/ her.  They are going to be 2 in August [but were preemies and one is autistic].  They are very sweet kids, but I think I would go insane if I had to take care of them all the time.  We went to the park by the beach and you had to really hover over them b/c they like to run in different directions and we didn't want them to drown [obviously! ;-)]. There is no fence around the play area.  I felt like I was a helicoptor parent or something b/c I was literally like 2 feet away from the autistic boy at all times.  I wanted to be close enough that if he got under the picnic table or built in grill to get his ball that he didn't slam his head.  [There were 4 saves of his head in about an hour so at least my efforts weren't wasted].  They melt down for no reason and got peanut butter and sand everywhere.  I mean everywhere.  And how do you grind a cookie into a table top? I don't care about the mess, but I want to know how he got the cookie into the glass that well.  I needed a spatula to get it off.  lol.  I honestly don't know how she does it.  I was spent after about 2 hours.  I can't remember half of the songs she sang them in the car.  I am starting to have some serious second thoughts about having kids.  Is it really this hard? Are they always that loud?  Or is it that hard  and loud b/c she has twins and one is special needs?  About halfway through the AM, there I am thinking 'thank God AF arrived this week'.  Am I horrible?  I don't know what to make of it all.  Agh!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    In Response to Do I have to?:
    I can't remember half of the songs she sang them in the car.  Is it that hard  and loud b/c she has twins and one is special needs? 
    Posted by ALF72


    It's that hard because they are 2 years old, twins and one has autism.  Autism is really hard, because he doesn't share the social conventions of the rest of us, is resistant to people, change is hard, etc.

    And some children are harder to parent, even if they don't have any special needs.  They are just more physical, kinesthetic people who must move, move move! 

    Don't worry, you'll learn the songs once the baby is hear and you are given Raffi CDs, Thomas Moore CDs (if you are lucky), etc.  Enjoy your adult music for now, let your brain rot when you need to, lol and not a moment earlier!
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from flaxen. Show flaxen's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Aw ALF,
    This is not the first time you've expressed some degree of ambivalence on this board about the decision to reproduce.  I think that is really common and totally normal and many, many women feel it.  But it is an important question that your need to resolve.  I sometimes think you are like me, but just maybe one year behind.  I am 38, an attorney, etc.  And I don't love everyone's babies.  I often feel relief after hanging out with friends' babies and I can go off and have a drink with my husband and talk about non-baby stuff.  But I am also more and more certain that when it is your baby, the situation is totally different.  I embrace the experience now, where I had previously not been too interested. 

    I think talking to a therapist is really helpful for this issue.  I went to one about a year and a half ago when I was getting married and he was great about pointing out that life's major decisions all come with this kind of ambivalence or confusion - but that is very normal, even expected.  

    My last bit of unsolicited advice is try to figure it out, rather than letting life just "happen" to you.  I am 100 percent clear now, after much soul searching and maturing, and it turns out that TTC at 38 is not necessarily easy, and I wish I'd been able to sort it all out sooner.  Might've saved me some injections, some invasive procedures, and a h*ll of a lot of angst and guilt.  Good luck!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Thanks, Ladies. My mom talked me off the ledge last night by telling me it's b/c they are boys, twins and one is special needs.  She said a child's behavior is totally due to the parents' response to said behavior over time. She knows my friend and thinks she is totally overwhemled w/ trying to 1. be a good mother to twins and 2. trying to deal w/ a special needs child.  She also said to pray for a girl b/c she thinks they are easier to handle than boys.  :-) 

    I think she's right b/c other kids that I see on a semi regular basis are not as much to handle, and they were singletons. I think I can deal w/ a single, well-behaved quiet child. ;-)  We'll see.  I already agreed to kids, so changing my mind isn't an option b/c that's not fair to DH.  I think it will be different if it's one of my own.  Then again, the dr may tell me on Monday that kids aren't going to happen so it may be a moot issue anyway. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    It seems like they have an extra full plate, but, yeah, of course, it can happen to any of us.  But, if it does, we just grow into it as the babies grow...or so I've heard.

    No, you don't have to have kids, but I think you want to. :)

    ~kar
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Hi Alf,  I think most of us would question our plans after a day like that!  I truly do believe that it's different when it's your own children.  By the time your kid is 2 years old you'll be adjusted to it and won't feel like you have to hover so much, etc. 

    To me, it's good that you're questioning it.  These big decisions should be considered and questioned - not entered into thoughtlessly with rose colored glasses!   Right now, I'm trying to figure out when is going to the right time for us to TTC.  I'm not one to think that everything in our lives has to be perfect first... but we do need to figure out a few things first!  (And one of those things is, how much longer do we want to be free from having to hover over an infant/toddler :o)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    In Response to Do I have to?:
    Okay, I am having a bit of a freak out here.  I am starting to wonder if I should have kids after all. I had one of my best friends to visit today and she had her twin boys w/ her.  They are going to be 2 in August [but were preemies and one is autistic].  They are very sweet kids, but I think I would go insane if I had to take care of them all the time.  We went to the park by the beach and you had to really hover over them b/c they like to run in different directions and we didn't want them to drown [obviously! ;-)]. There is no fence around the play area.  I felt like I was a helicoptor parent or something b/c I was literally like 2 feet away from the autistic boy at all times.  I wanted to be close enough that if he got under the picnic table or built in grill to get his ball that he didn't slam his head.  [There were 4 saves of his head in about an hour so at least my efforts weren't wasted].  They melt down for no reason and got peanut butter and sand everywhere.  I mean everywhere.  And how do you grind a cookie into a table top? I don't care about the mess, but I want to know how he got the cookie into the glass that well.  I needed a spatula to get it off.  lol.  I honestly don't know how she does it.  I was spent after about 2 hours.  I can't remember half of the songs she sang them in the car.  I am starting to have some serious second thoughts about having kids.  Is it really this hard? Are they always that loud?  Or is it that hard  and loud b/c she has twins and one is special needs?  About halfway through the AM, there I am thinking 'thank God AF arrived this week'.  Am I horrible?  I don't know what to make of it all.  Agh!
    Posted by ALF72



    I've always thought that babysitting is the world's best birth control :)

    As a new mom of twins (6 weeks old on Tuesday!), I can tell you that taking care of two of the same age at once is definitely more challenging than "just" one or having two or more of different ages.  I can't imagine what I'd do if one of mine were special needs as well.

    Many older, wiser, women have said to me over the years "it's different when they're your own" and I would have to agree.  Suddenly those diapers that you would've run screaming from are no big deal and spit up, p u k e (really, boston.com? this word is offensive enough to block?), and other bodily fluids are just one more thing to be wiped up without a second thought.  And rather than reaching for earplugs when the screaming starts, the mommy instinct kicks in and all you want to do is hold and comfort them.  Last night, my son was fussing in the bassinet and DH and I took turns picking him up (fussing stops) and then putting him back down (fussing starts again) for about 20 minutes.  Finally I decided that I was too tired to keep doing this but I couldn't bear to let him keep fussing until he fell asleep on his own, so I spent the night sleeping on the couch with DS sleeping on my chest.  (I was too paranoid about SIDS to have him sleep in the bed with us).  DS fell asleep immediately and there's nothing like a baby sleeping on you to bring out the warm fuzzies.

    It's sounds like you had a good taste of your friend's everyday reality, but if/when you have your own, the challenges will feel completely different. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    ALF, any post freakout update? 

    Fram, I know you aren't a crazy "perfect time" girl. :)  Proper consideration of important factors is wise.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    In Response to Re: Do I have to?:
    She also said to pray for a girl b/c she thinks they are easier to handle than boys.  :-) 
    Posted by ALF72

    I don't know about that, my nephew was a lot eaiser to handle then either of his sisters.  And my nephew via my SIL is a lot easier to handle than his twin sister.  And my my husband's counsin's nephew is a terror most of the time.  I have not found that boys are easier than girls or vice versa, I really think it is a combination of the kids natural temperment and how the parents deal with the kid.

    Twins are crazy hard, and having one with special needs is difficult on top of that. I remember my SIL had a notebook just to keep up with the twins at first because she was sleep deprived she honestly wrote down when they had a BM when they pee'ed, when they ate how much, when they went down to sleep and when they got up.  It seemed like over kill but it is what kept her sane.

    I like my neices and nephews and the kids of friends, a lot more than I like other people's kids that I encounter in daily life. I think it is natural.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    In Response to Re: Do I have to?:
    Thanks, Ladies. My mom talked me off the ledge last night by telling me it's b/c they are boys, twins and one is special needs.  She said a child's behavior is totally due to the parents' response to said behavior over time. She knows my friend and thinks she is totally overwhemled w/ trying to 1. be a good mother to twins and 2. trying to deal w/ a special needs child.  She also said to pray for a girl b/c she thinks they are easier to handle than boys.  :-)  I think she's right b/c other kids that I see on a semi regular basis are not as much to handle, and they were singletons. I think I can deal w/ a single, well-behaved quiet child. ;-)  We'll see.  I already agreed to kids, so changing my mind isn't an option b/c that's not fair to DH.  I think it will be different if it's one of my own.  Then again, the dr may tell me on Monday that kids aren't going to happen so it may be a moot issue anyway. 
    Posted by ALF72


    Ah, you totally love your kids more than life itself and you don't see the stares and glares that others give you when your child is acting up or loud. (I'm hyper conscious of it when we take DS to a restaurant and he's only 6 mo old, I don't ever want to be that parent that lets the child go crazy.) But you're so in love that you'd do anything to keep them entertained and happy. Hence her knowing all the songs. And I bet you she was making up half the words. I know I do. And I look like a crazy lady in the grocery store singing and giggling with my son, but heck, we're having fun. And like someone else said, the pee, p00p, spit up, carrots (they stain) that lands on you just make you laugh afterwards. (I'm supporting a nice smear of carrots all down my front and left arm today from visiting DS at day care.) And you totally enjoy the minutes after bedtime you have to unwind before you fall asleep with carrots still stuck in your hair.

    Well, I certainly hope the doctor doesn't tell you that kids aren't going to happen for you.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    I think it is perfectly natural to be asking these questions.  Now that DH and I are just starting TTC I do have moments of panic - OMG!  We will never be able to afford this!  OMG! They don't have paid leave here?! OMG!  The pain of child birth!  OMG!  Look how awful my 7 year old niece is currently being, I couldn't stand that!

    However, like most things, I think you take the good (or great) with the bad (or disgusting).  And as most (not all) parents will say, the love you feel for your own child and the love they give you in return is well worth the pain/frustration/heartbreak/lack of sleep etc.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Hi - I just discovered this board and since I am hoping to soon be TTC, thought I'd participate a little. :)

    I have to say, many of my friends now have 2 year olds and... I can't stand being around them!  (the kids, not the friends)  I feel like a terrible friend for feeling that way, but they are NOT pleasant.  I really just think it's that they are 2!  A tough age that even gets it's own name! 

    Also, of course, the Autism factor is going to make things harder.  And the twin factor. 

    When I get that feeling of "I can't stand this kid - what if I can't stand my own??" I make myself think about why I think I want to have kids.  And I remember that I will totally be needing and asking for help, hints and advice.  You won't be alone - even if it's just the BDC boards keeping you company! 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Hi Ladies,

    Sorry to ressurect this post, but I didn't want to post what I am posting in the TTC status thread b/c it didn't seem right based on flaxen's latests posts.

    I had my dr appt today. It went fine.  She reiterated that my tests came back fine and that we should be good to go. I agreed to try the BCP for 2 months to see if it resets my cycle.  She also suggested that we see a RE, but we are going to hold off on that till after we move.  Chances are, we'd be lucky to get 1 appt w/ the RE before we have to move [late Oct or early Nov; it's still up in the air]. 

    I have to admit that I am secretly psyched that I get to go on BCP for 2 months. I REALLY REALLY want to get a job when we go to DC and have to admit that I will be pissed if I get pg before I get hired someplace [in my field, no one, and I mean NO ONE, would hire me if I were visibly pg; it also wouldn't go over well if I started to show a few months after starting a job]. Now, I can't admit this to DH b/c he is gung ho to have kids, but the closer I get to 40 the less I am thrilled w/ the idea of having a toddler/infant running around.  Does this make me terrible?  I did the math, and basically, any child that we have is going to hitting college age when we are going to be thinking about retirement.  I know I can't change my mind b/c this is something we discussed before we got married.  I don't think it's fair to change the rules now.  I'm sure I'll love any kid that we do have [if we have any], but is it terrible for me to also want to work? If I manage to get hired first and then have a kid; great!  DH will just have to deal w/ me changing my mind about being a SAHM.  I think that is the real issue.  If I get a job in DC, I don't want to stay home w/ the child. In fact, the bulk of the jobs I've applied to recently involve some travel.  I guess I am just feeling like a big sch*muck [come on, is that really a 'bad word" BDC?] b/c I plan on getting a nanny.  Am I just being an idiot?  I am usually very decisive, but I am so on the fence about kids right now. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from onecoolchick. Show onecoolchick's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Alf - you are not a big scmuck!  All of these feelings you are having is perfectly normal.  I think if you truly didn't want kids you wouldn't be going through all of this.  Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to be a SAHM.  So many women do both and are very happy and well rounded.  I think it's a conversation you will have to have with hubby but you will be some concessions and so will he.  I am going to work after the baby too. 

    I totally hear you on the age thing.  It's always in the back of my head that I'm going to be 37 when I have this baby and my DH is 40.  He always jokes that he is going to be in a wheelchair at his graduation.  I never wanted an only child.  I had a lot of siblings growing up.  After all this we have gone through I am pretty sure I don't want to go through this again at my age.  Who knows how I will feel after, but right now I think I am all set. 

    Plus I had a lot of the fears that you have and thought about giving up on getting pregnant.  I know I am only 14 weeks, but a lot of those fears are already gone.  Of course, I now have new fears but don't regret it for a minute.  I don't think you will either.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    It's not terrible to want to work.  It's not terrible to feel ambivalent or indecisive about something so big.  It's normal.  You're a lawyer, right?  Your career is a big part of who you are!  I think there's so much GUILT involved in having these feelings, which blows my mind b/c, hello, if you've made it into your 30's and are happy & successful in your career, thinking about giving that up is a loss.  You have every right to mourn that, or not to give it up!  And to change your mind about working after baby comes along. 

    I'm not entirely clear if looking for a job in DC is something that you want to do that you have't told DH about, or if it's in the works, but I don't think you have to decide anything right now.  I would take the MD-approved two-month TTC hiatus, focus on moving & job hunting (which, PS, are two pretty big stressors!) and see what's what when it's time to resume the whole TTC thing. 


    And you are NOT terrible.  I think having some doubts about something so life-altering and major is a sign that you are sane.  :) 

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    PS -- I TOTALLY hear you on the age thing.  We're in the process of moving to the 'burbs, and it pains me that most of the women I meet my age have kids in grade school.  I have this mental image of being 40 at the playground with a bunch of yummy-mummy Bugaboo types, all of whom were born in the mid-80's.  And, in my head, they are all blonde, skinny and perfect, but I digress.  But it is what it is -- I didn't meet the potential father of my future kids until I was 30. 

    It's not my fault he was late.  ;) 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from princess-cal. Show princess-cal's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Alf-you are not terrible.  DH and I decided that we will not have kids - by choice.  We don't hate kids, it's just not "for us."  Everyone has their own reasons.  I'm sure no matter what happens, you'll be happy.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Oh, Gosh, GC! We are moving to DC b/c DH is military and we are being moved there.  I wouldn't look for work in another region w/o DH being totally on board w/ it.  I am a lawyer and had to give up my job about a year ago b/c we currently live in S. Maine and it was too much of a PITA to telecommute [long story] to my office just south of Boston, esp since DH was on special assignment in Ct for 5 months [which meant that I was on the road every weekend so we could BD - yeah, I had to drive 3.5 hours to get lucky.  lol].  I am going out of my mind being out of work b/c I really do miss my work and, as you correctly said, it is a big part of who I am.  I was at my last firm for 7 years and really loved it.  I honestly can't wait to get back to work and am just waiting for various federal agencies to call me and ask me to come in for an interview.  B/c they will call, right?  B/c I am just freaking awesome!  lol.  At least that's what I tell myself.  There are about 3 jobs out of the 10 or so that I've applied to in the last 3 week that are my absolute ideal, dream job, so I am chomping at the bit right now. 

    Yeah, the thought of hanging out in the playground w/ a bunch of late 20/early 30 somethings when I am 45 pains me.  I met DH when I was 32 and we got married when I was 34. I'm 37 now. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    I have 3 friends, all with more than one child (2 and 3), who are great moms IMO and work full time.  They LOVE working and seem to balance it with their wonderful family lives extremely well.  I'm not that strong, truly.  I have stamina issues and get migraines when I take on too much so I'm home before we even have kids.  The puppy is enough for me right now, but we're still trying for the baby.  But, whether a woman can successfully work and raise a family is totally dependant on the constitution of that particular woman, not on an arbitrary rule.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Just wanted to say I'm so glad you have a place to vent your feelings, ALF.  I echo other posters in saying you are not a horrible person!  I have no problem with SAHMs, but I don't think I could do it.  Maybe I would feel differently if it were an option, but we will likely always need both incomes.  If anything he could be a SAHF and I actually brought that up recently.  I'd have to get a promotion or two first, but maybe someday!

    I agree that it's probably better to find a job in DC before getting preggers.  S*cks, but it's a reality we women have to deal with.  Personally, I am hoping to get one more promotion before we start TTC, but with the economy as it is that might not be likely.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    You won't be showing, though, until 4 months and you can wear stuff that hides it until 5 months.  So, if you do get pg before you have a job in DC you'll still have time, right?  When are you moving, again?  Sorry, I can't remember...

    Fram, I'd say don't wait for that promotion.  I'm 37 and ttc, and would do anything to turn back the egg clock.  I know you'd rather have more money, and I can't pretend to know if you can manage without it, but I do know for sure that fertility goes down the longer you wait.  It never stays constant or goes up...just down.

    Who knew life would be so complicated?!
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    No, Kar.  If I get pg before I get a job, I will be up the creek.  I may  get hired, but it won't go over well.  At all.  And I can't blame them for feeling that way.  I want to relocate to DC permanently after DH finishes up his 20 [in about 8 years], so I really don't want to PO the agency that I would really love to work for by having them hire me and then telling them I'm delivering in 5 or 6 months.  You can barely get settled in a job in that amount of time.  Then again, considering that we've been trying for over a year and a half and nothing has happened, I'm probably just worrying about nothing.  lol.  Besides, none of my suits would fit at 4 or 5 months w/o really showing off a pregnancy.  That's the problem w/ tailored clothes [based on my build, I wear jackets that hit at hit hip bone, not at the thigh, so any belly bulge would be very noticeable].

    Thanks for all the support ladies.  I am so glad I have this venue to vent in.  :-) 

    ETA: btw, Kar, we are moving sometime around October/November.  DH just found out last night that he will leaving his current command in mid October, but we can't go house hunting till he gets written orders, which he has not gotten yet.  His boss emailed someone yesterday about it b/c they are really taking their sweet time. Hopefully, he'll have something by the end of next week so that we can make plans to head down to look for something.  I want to head down in mid-Sept to look for a place, so hopefully that will work out. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Kar, I don't think anyone can count on "hiding" her pregnancy for 5 months. I know I was showing enough to be suspicious to most people well before then. I was also forced to tell my supervisors early (long before I would have liked to) about my pregnancy because I was dealing with some really bad all-day sickness and had to miss a number of days. I also really agree with ALF about how interviewing or beginning a job when pregnant is frowned upon in some professions. Plus, people have to think about leave; for instance, at my job you don't get paid leave until you've been in your position for a year. It's all such a delicate balancing act!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    Thanks for the input Kar :o)  For me it's more that I think if I get pregnant first, it will be a lot longer before the promotion comes. It's not really a case of waiting for the perfect time/more money.  In the end, I don't think I will really let it stop me from TTC, but for now it helps that DH wants to wait until next year anyway.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Do I have to?

    ALF, so exciting; that's right around the corner.  And, I guess I really spoke out of turn about your career - I don't know anything about those types of jobs and what's expected of you.  Thanks for letting me know.

    Fram, sounds like you guys have a great perspective. :)  I'm getting frustrated that we're coming up on a year and I probably project a bit on others.  Thanks for understanding.
     
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