I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    ... thoughts about how to deal with a good friend lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try and sending about 6 emails a day about it?  Obviously my actual responses are nothing but positive and happy for her (which I am).  But, internally how to deal?

    (truth is, i'm sure i know the logical answers to the question i'm asking, but still... could use any suggestions)
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    hi poppy - the feeling you have stinks, i know.  :(  i find that continuing to tell myself that my friends' pregnancies have no bearing on my situation (i.e. doesn't increase/decrease my chances) helps - obvious, but sometimes forgettable.  other than that, all i can say is - remember this when you are PG, and you are emailing your friends - we never know what other poeple are going through!  (i'll never forget the annoying comment a friend made when she got PG - her husband "just had to walk by, hee hee!!!" for her to get PG - which i found pretty annoying then, and even more annoying now!  ;)  )  chin up.  TGIF!  :)
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    I doubt your friend really means to be insensitive, she's probably just really not thinking clearly and is over-excited.  I guess you can't say much, other than maybe congrats, that's cool, and change the subject.  Maybe it'll come across as being bored with her stories.  I think it's completely understandable for people that don't have kids yet to not be very interested in pregnancy and kid stuff (she doesn't have to know that your TTC).  She might take the hint and discuss other stuff with you.  I also agree with Stef that you can take that as how not to act to other childless friends once you get the BFP!

    Maybe you can also relate to her by thinking about when you got married.  How you were soooooo excited and wanted to share every detail with your friends.  Well, maybe that single friend of yours was jealous and didn't want to hear about your bliss on a daily basis.  You weren't trying to upset her, were you?  OK, I don't know if any of that happened in your case, but it may have :)  All my BMs were single at my wedding. 

    Good Luck!!!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    poppy, it's too bad that she isn't more sensitive to your ttc.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    If she's a good friend, why not just tell her, in person of course, that you are thrilled for her, but since you are TTC and not achieving the desired result that her emailing you repeatedly about her PG is causing you angst. Tell her you know it's silly, but could she just humor you and try to cut back. 

    I know it's going to be hard to do this,  but the alternative is for you to ignore the bulk of her emails, which is going to come across to her [b/c she's overly hormonal and excited] as 'negative vibes' on your part.  She will eventually take offense if you don't reply to all of her excited emails.  So, it's best to just bite it now and have a person to person chat w/ her.  GL.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from GC1016. Show GC1016's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    UGH.  Poppy, that s*cks, it seriously does.  I agree with Alf -- I think it's best to at least mention that you're trying, that things have been tough, and essentially "apologize in advance" (although I don't think you have anything to apologize for) if you aren't as enthusiastic as she might like you to be.  I'm in a similar boat with some of my friends, and it's tough b/c I DO want to talk about what's going on with their pregnancies ... a little.  As much as any friend would, I think.  I just hit my breaking point a wee bit sooner, and particularly cannot stand b*tching and moaning about how MISERABLE they are, you cannot KNOW, when I could pretty much give anything to be swollen and peeing 182 times a day.  

    And, not for nothing, I think it's OK to be less than psyched about receiving six e-mails a day about ANYTHING.  Seriously.  :)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    I would congratulate her and let her know that I'm TTC as well, but without success.  Hopefully a good friend would get the hint and drop all the e-mails.  If they continue, then I'd be more blunt. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Usually, I'm for the full on confrontation, but this time I'd probably let it go.  Pregnancies go by fast, and I'm sure you'll process it before your friend gives birth.  You are excited for her, and this time of her being pregnant and your not won't last regardless of whether you say something about her insensitivity.  If Brighton's subtle suggestion doesn't work, I'd suggest leaving it be.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    I think you've gotten good advice so far, but just want to chime in as someone who's been on the other side in a somewhat similar situation.

    One of my friends had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  Meanwhile, I had just found out a week before that I was pregnant with twins.  (I didn't know this friend was pregnant until she sent an email saying that she had miscarried.)  I felt TERRIBLE for her.  They had had one ultrasound where everything looked great and they could see the little flicker, and then at the 9-week u/s, there was no heartbeat.  So...I really didn't know how to tell her--several weeks later--about my pregnancy.  I wanted to be sensitive to her, of course, but on the other hand, I was very happy about being pregnant (after a miscarriage and fertility issues for almost a year) and didn't feel like I should have to apologize for that.  We were going to be getting together with some other friends, and I wasn't really showing, but I had started looking like I was gaining weight, pants were tight, etc.  I ended up calling her on the phone prior to the get-together and told her I knew the timing sucked for her, but that I was pregnant with twins and didn't want to catch her off-guard in front of other people with that news.  She was gracious about it and congratulated me and I got off the phone quickly so that she could do what she needed to do emotionally.  Throughout the pregnancy, I really didn't talk about it with her unless she asked.  Then, as luck would have it, she had a miscarriage at ~5 weeks the day after the twins were born.  I didn't know about this, of course, and we sent out the email birth announcement that day.  I felt SO awful when another friend told me about it a few days later.  That was probably the last thing she needed to see (and, of course, if I had known about the m/c, I would've removed her from the announcement email and asked a mutual friend to let her know over the phone).  But, on the other hand, again, I was SO HAPPY and didn't feel like I should have to apologize for my own happiness.  I think it took her about 3 months to get in touch with me after the kids were born--and I understood completely that this was just a really painful situation for her--but I was also a little hurt that it took her so long to be able to get to a point that she could acknowledge my happiness. 

    My friend is now pregnant again and due about a week before my twins' first birthday.  I am so happy for her and I'm glad that it has finally worked out.  I will say that even though several months have passed, I still feel a little awkward around her, and I'm hoping that things will "lighten" between us once she has her baby.

    So--I completely understand how it's difficult for you to hear from your friend several times a day about her pregnancy (what in heck does she have to email about that many times a day?!), and I think you should let her know that you're having difficulty TTC, and if she doesn't get it, just stop reading her emails, but also try to remember that she should not have to apologize for being happy.   She SHOULD be sensitive to your difficulties and go out of her way to not talk about the pregnancy "too much" around you, but this IS what's going on in her life and probably one of the happiest times of her life, so you can't expect her to be silent about it either.

    I know that when we were TTC, it seemed like everywhere I turned I saw a pregnant woman or new mothers and fathers with their new babies and it was HARD--esp. after I miscarried.  But, life does go on for other people and people can't stop their lives or pretend not to be happy.  They CAN--and should--be sensitive to what you're going through, but unless you tell your friend what's going on, she won't understand why you aren't jumping for joy everytime you get one of her emails.


     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Thanks, girls!  Just knowing that you all understand is so helpful! 

    This friend knows I'm TTC and has known for months.  I just think she's so excited and wanting to share every detail with us (there is a group of 7 of us and 2 of us are currently TTC... everyone else has kids).

    GC - you kind of hit the nail on the head with the complaining thing.  It's hard to hear someone complain when you're like, "I'll take the morning sickness if it means I"m pregnant!!"  I'm very aware of not talking/asking about TTC with people I'm not very, very close to because I've had acquaintances who've gone through hell and high water trying to have a baby.  It could be that this friend just doesn't know anyone for whom that's been an issue.  Funnily, kind of the same thing happened with our marraiges - she got engaged the same week my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up (the rest of our friends were married).  It was somewhat difficult to deal with being a bridesmaid in her wedding when I had also hoped to have been engaged at that point, but - to Kargiver's point - in time I got over it and was able to fully enjoy the wedding.

    amrunner - I'm sorry about the situation with your brother's baby... I'm glad your mom was able to tone it down a bit, but sorry that it took you bursting into tears for it to happen!  I may say something (gently) if it continues this way.  It's funny you mention a "buddy" because I did tell one friend in this group that it's upsetting me a bit, so she's on alert to help if it gets too much.  That's so great that your friend who got the BFP phrased her annoucement to you like that - very sensitive.

    Daisy - thanks for the "other side" perspective.  First of all, how exciting it must have been to finally be pregnant after all you went through!!  I absolutely do NOT want myfriend to have to feel guilty about her excitement, which is partly what makes me so anxious about all this. 

    To answer your question, Daisy, about the emails - it's about anything and everything.  :)  all about what size the baby is, all about morning sickness, all about going shopping for maternity clothes, all about "when will I be a cute pregnant lady?"  And we're only at 7 weeks.  :) 

    Actually, now that I've vented a bit and read all of your lovely responses, I can laugh about it.  Thank you!

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    amrunner- I might need to try that with my MIL.  She's ALWAYS talking about SIL's baby/pregnancy and it's starting to drive me bonkers, especially since SIL and I aren't close at all.  MIL has no idea we're trying.  Granted, it hasn't been that long, but BFNs and AF stink no matter where you are in this journey! 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    I think it's good to mention these things to people you feel comfortable with, but just know that they still might not totally "get it". That was my experience. All of our siblings were having kids while we were trying and failing with fertility treatments. My IL's knew we were having problems ttc and we still got Happy Mother's Day and Happy Father's Day ecards from them. We also got the "well, you could always adopt" as if that was the easy answer and it was just a simple way to switch gears (when we were not open to adoption).
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Wait - rhm - your in-laws sent you "Happy Mother's/Father's Day" ecards when you were TTC????  That's not just thoughtless, it's just plain mean!  What could they have been thinking?!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Kind of on the other end of the spectrum, but thought it makes sense to ask.

    How should I share my news with people I know are having trouble TTC?  There are two friends who have been at this much longer than my DH and I, and who have had a much harder ride than we have.  I want to tell them, but not sure of the best way...is it in person?  On the phone?  In a note?  I liked what one person said about understanding if you can't be excited...

    I just want to be sensitive to what I know is going on with them.  I also am wondering when to tell...we've all been sharing our journey so far, and I feel like I'm lying to them now by not telling.  On the other hand, I haven't even been to the doctor yet! 

    Any suggestions would be great!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Oh, poppy, you have no idea. They are usually pretty thoughtful people - they volunteer in the community and FIL even does hospice work. FIL and MIL knew about our issues when we were going through our first IVF which failed. After I got the Mother's Day ecard (in the midst of our second failed IVF attempt), I didn't know what to say so DH told his mom that it upset me since I'm not a mom. She said at that time that they usually sent Mother's Day cards to her elderly aunts that were mother-type figures to her and weren't actually mothers and thought we were mis-interpreting the intent (but I'm sure those women were not ttc at the time and were in some ways mother figures to her even though I am clearly not). We figured it would be the end of it, but when Father's Day came around, DH got a Father's Day ecard from FIL and then his brother in CA (who got marrried 9 weeks after us, got pregnant the first month they tried and were already pregnant again with twins) called and left him a voicemail wishing him a Happy Father's Day. He then told his brother what was going on with us and in some ways understood, but also said "at least you have nephews and nieces". After DH spilled the beans to me, I just about lost it. I emailed BIL and FIL and told them that when they do stuff like that, it really hurts me, especially when it comes from people that are family who care about us. I included links to two websites that talked about the emotional part of infertility. They never responded to my email or even acknowledged it. Ironically, a few weeks later, we got our BFP (so when people say that we weren't trying that month and must have been more relaxed, I just have to laugh!).
    I'm sure if you archive the ttc boards at that time, you can read the whole fiasco.
    Please don't interpret what what happened to me will happen to you or anyone else. I do think it's good to get it out to people who are your support system so they will try to be more sensitive, but wanted to let people know that even then, it's hard to understand infertility when you haven't gone through it.
    Oh, and my side of the family was actually pretty understanding. My sister cried that we were struggling and my brother/SIL said they knew other couples that had issues, including SIL's cousin who she's very close to. My parents were pretty good as well.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    rhm - that is just crazy to me that they would not see the ironic cruelness in what they did... but i guess it does sound like they had good intentions (of course, we all know where that can get you...).  They had damn well better send you cards THIS year, when you can enjoy them!!

    I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but so glad you did end up with that BFP at last!  :)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    LuvRIboy:  I highly recommend telling them over the phone and then getting off the phone ASAP after telling them.  Don't volunteer too much info, don't gush about how happy you are.  Answer any questions they might have ("When did you find out?" etc.).   But once you've told them the pertinent info, GET OFF THE PHONE. 

    If you tell someone over the phone, they don't have to worry about hiding their body language if they're upset.  THEY can make an excuse to get off the phone if they really can't talk about it with you at that moment.  In person, they don't have an "out" and if they're taken completely off-guard, it may end up being really awkward.

    Alternatively, if these aren't people you see regularly, a group email to several people--again, short and sweet--saying that you have good news and when you're due would also be appropriate.  It will give them time to absorb the news w/o feeling like they're "supposed to" react in a certain way when it's the exact opposite of how they're feeling.  And it gives them time to respond graciously in their own time.

    I think it's typical to use 12 weeks/end of 1st trimester as the mark of when to start telling people, but it's really whenever you and DH are feeling good about telling people.  Just remember that most people wait until they're reasonably sure that the pregnancy is going to "take" so that if it doesn't, they don't have to share their sorrow/disappointment with everyone they've told.

    And...Congrats!!!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    THanks Daisy...I appreciate your suggestions.  I know how it felt like a punch in the gut every time I heard about someone expecting, and I want to do everything I can to be sensitive to it. 

    Honestly, if I had to hear my SIL talk about the next time she "accidentally" gets pregnant one more time, I thought I was going to strangle her! 

    And for Poppy, I agree with the advice above...with close friends, I did share that we were trying, and shared a few of my disappointments and it helped; I found that when I was open about it, their stories of their own disappointments came through too, or if not, that at least they would be a little more sensitive to how hard it is for some people. 

    One thing I've learned in the TTC process is that you NEVER know what someone else is doing/thinking/worrying about in terms of TTC. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Poppy--luvRIboy reminded me....  I also have a friend whose husband looks at her and she gets pregnant (rolls eyes).  She's also one who complains about every ache/pain/discomfort during pregnancy.  She was most-recently pregnant at the same time as me--a few months behind.  At one point, she wrote to me in an email something about how she hadn't heard me complain once about anything during my pregnancy and wanted to make sure I was doing ok.  I responded very truthfully to her that it took me a long time to get pregnant (she did know almost everything about my fertility issues), and that since I wasn't willing to risk multiples again and we "only" wanted two kids anyway that this was probably the only time in my life that I would be pregnant and that I was enjoying every second of my pregnancy and treasuring every moment of it because for me, this was a "once in a lifetime" experience.  I also went on to add that there are thousands of women out there who would do ANYTHING to be pregnant right now so it just didn't seem right to complain about it.  She actually responded that she had to remember not to take pregnancy for granted and that I had "inspired" her to be mindful that this would probably be her last pregnancy and that she should enjoy it.

    So...sometimes people just need a gentle reminder about how fortunate they are to be pregnant at all and get a little perspective about their aches and pains. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    kudos to you, Daisy! Must have been a great email to send.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from blushingbride1. Show blushingbride1's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Daisy-  Wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading your last post.  That was such a well put email to your friend and I think it may have put things into perspective.  She really should count her blessings b/c there are so many of us out there who have such trouble with TTC...  Thanks for writing that!  :-)

     

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Daisy - ditto blushing and rhm.  Those are great words - I hope you don't mind if I borrow some of them if necessary!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    rhm- I remember that post about your inlaws, unbelievable!  I would have strangled them!

    Daisy- you're awesome, I love reading your posts!

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    Poppy, I feel your pain!  People really need to learn to choose their audience.  There are some friends/family you can talk to all about your wedding and others you can talk to all about your pregnancy and others you can talk to about work/stress/whatever.  Your friend is being so insensitive!  I've been going through something slightly similar... Long story short - we're in no position to TTC and it's tough to deal with.  My husband has been out of work off and on for like 2 years (mostly off for the past year), but my friend keeps harrassing me over and over and over again to get pregnant.  Doesn't matter how many times I say I wish I could, but I can't.  Sigh.

     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: I'm sure this has been covered umpteen times, but...

    What's wrong with these "friends?"  Maybe we need to think about doing some friendship Spring cleaning.  Every once in awhile we need to reevaluate who we allow into our inner heart circle to be vulnerable to.  People change, lives change, and friends come in and out of our lives.  And, it's OK. 

    We can rationalize their hurtful behavior as ignorant and accidental, blaming it on excitement or a misguided attempt at showing love for us, but the fact is these people are insenstive about the very things that our friends should understand and be the MOST sensitive to us about.
     

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