posted at 6/8/2011 10:40 AM EDTUnfortunately, with this heat not much is going to happen in the next few days, unless you have central air.
I think men are put under a lot more pressure than we realize in terms of what society/media leads us to expect them to feel/want. This can lead to a vicious cycle--guy is stressed out at work, doesn't feel validated at work, starts to get a bit "down" at home, then feels even less worthwhile, meanwhile partner starts to get worried, etc.
I also think that it's really, really hard for men, even men who are fairly enlightened or have had women explain it to them before, to truly understand how connected feelings and sex are for women. I think a lot of times because men are so goal-oriented (at least, my husband is) the idea that a woman sometimes cares more about feeling desired and wanted more than she cares about the actual sex is a totally foreign and ridiculous one. They truly don't believe/comprehend that if we make an advance and are turned down it can fester away inside for months.
Even if he supposedly already knows that you just need to be needed, you might have to remind him. This is probably hard if you're not used to talking about sex much in your relationship. I've had some success with my husband by framing it in a way that is very goal-oriented. Once he understood that a random nuzzle while washing the dishes is sometimes (NOT ALWAYS! haha) worth as much as a marathon, pre-child-style event, he's made a real effort to diversify his approach.
posted at 6/8/2011 11:19 AM EDTI think you're all right about sex sometimes dropping off in relationships, that you need to acknowledge needs, and understand each other.
We talked last night about it. At first it was a little awkward because we don't usually discuss it--sometimes DH feels less "manly" when he talks about feelings, but he's getting a lot better--but I was surprised at how easily the conversation went. We decided to make a "rule" that we have to do it twice a week, even if that means scheduling.
It took me a while to bring it up to him because I wanted to frame it in a way that wasn't blaming him or making him feel defensive or not manly enough to satisfy me (the manliness seems to be a thing...he's a guy's guy and feels like he has to be big and tough a lot. I think that's a common guy's thing and it goes along with the pressure that lissafro mentioned).
We're both good with our new rule so now it's just enforcing it in a way that works for both of us. Who knew you could solve so much by talking out issues.
posted at 6/8/2011 2:39 PM EDTWPP, GREAT JOB, both of you. I'm super impressed with your pushing through the fear of bringing it up and with his taking the challenge and working it out with you. I think your marriage will benefit FOREVER for your mutual courage.And, get this, I just learned that the "sex chemicals" in your brain are actually addictive. More sex leads to wanting/craving more sex, less to less. So, it might be difficult at first to enforce the new rule, but the more you do the more it will be something you both really look forward to.Rules really can be fun.