March 2011

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from bostongrl. Show bostongrl's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Thanks girls!! You're right... it was probably DH's way of attempting to take my mind off of things.  He also said something along the lines of "you get to stay skinny for one more month" ... definitely falls in that category. 

    Tang... right on about being in the same situation.  We're 30/32 and although we didn't wait super long... definitely past the peak-fertility age.  I know we still have good chances, but on days like yesterday I always get this very pessimistic view that I've waited too long. 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Absolutely, the "skinny" comment cinches it for sure - he's honestly trying to help you feel better in his "unhelpful" manly way.  Be comforted in that and know that he really does care just as much as you do.  Maybe you'll consider, though, talking to him about how you totally understand and appreciate that he's sincerely trying to bolster you and let you know he cares with his positive spin on things, but that he can help even more by acknowledging how sad and disappointed you both are before he makes the "sunny side" observations.  They really don't know better unless we say something (gently because he reallllllly feels as sad as you do and sincerely thinks he's helping) about what truly helps us emotionally.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from tomarra. Show tomarra's posts

    Re: March 2011

    TC- I cant even to began to understand what you are going through...your in my thoughts.

    In regards to adoption cost...can one really put a price on a child? People every day spend that money or more on cars, weddings, homes, etc...so what not use that money to make a difference in a child's life.  At least that's the way I see it.

    AFM, I got the approval to start clomid and will be taking with the metformin mainly because I have been having good result with the MET.  Did anyone else take this combination?

    Tan- DH and I  decided from day 1 with RE that we wanted to take baby steps with treatment.  So, we will be starting with the lowest dose and working our way up from there.  We want to stretch out the 6 month clomid treatment as much as we can.  Hopefully we won't need all 6 treatments.

    Boston- DH and I have been trying for 14 months and have time it right for 10 times with no success.  I sometimes think I will never get to experience a BFP but I just have to remain hopeful.  It's normal for experience the ups and downs of the TTC and hopeful your day will come soon!  I agree with the other girls that it will take a while for your DH catch up to you emotionally (if he hasn't yet) and know that he means well but just has a funny way of showing it.

    Everyone else wishing you all the best of luck.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    I didn't spend $30,000 on my wedding or any car.  Kids are expensive, either way, of course, but no one starts off with a birth having just spent $30 - 50k out of pocket to just to bring the baby home.

    Up front cost is a factor for most families considering adoption imo, and that's nothing they should be ashamed about or have someone say, "How can you put a price on getting a baby?"
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from tomarra. Show tomarra's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Kar- I didn't spend $30- 50k on a car or wedding either nor should anyone be ashamed of spending that much either.  Plus, not all adoptions cost that much either.  I am just saying that HOW I would justify it.  I don't see it as cost of bring a child home but giving a child a home.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    You're entitled to that viewpoint, but however you slice it it's a cost.  And, not everyone who would want to give a child a home could afford it.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Statements like 'does a child have a price' are part of the reason why adoptions cost so much [IMO]. If people were not willing to pay it [or not willing to be guilted into thinking that they should not consider the price], it wouldn't cost so much.  Something about paying a ton of money for an adoption rubs me the wrong way. It's like buying another human.  An agency fee is one thing, but when you get into the tens of thousands of dollars, someone is making a profit - on a child's need and the adoptive parents' desire for a child. 

    the fact that some idiot pays $30-50k for a car that depreciates once they drive off the lot is irrelevant.  If you have money to burn, great, but the vast majority of people can't just write a check for $30-50k to buy a kid, no matter what tax incentives they may get down the road.  [ie, the adoption write off].

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    My DH asked me something like, "How much do agencies pay people [to adopt]?"  When I told him it cost people tens of thousands of dollars to get a baby out of a bad situation he was pretty shocked.  It is purchasing a child, and, yes, it costs that much because people who can afford it will pay it.  Since there are enough people who can pay and not enough US babies to go around it's a case of supply and demand, and it is an industry no matter how disturbing it is to put it that way.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: March 2011

    I'm sorry, but as an adoptive aunt I have to just pipe in here with the tone of this argument.

    First off, agreed on the money issue, that seems wildly inappropriate and dangerous. Just don't make adoption into this holier than thou thing. The child gives you way more than you give them.

    I don't like hearing these kinds of phrases -  "giving a child a good home" and "making a difference in a childs life." Bottom line, people adopt BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE PARENTS. In many ways, their quality of life improves by adoption in more ways than a child's life is improved.

    I just don't like the implication that anyone who adopts is "saving" and child when in fact, it's more like the child "saves" the parents. Adoption is so wonderful, even just being an aunt it was one of the most profound experiences of my life to be involved in it.

    I'm not discounting the material/safety/opportunity side of things, but I think it's very important to note that consciously, actively trying to become a parent is self indulgent - and adoption is a wonderful, beautiful, happy indulgence, not a rescue mission.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    The emotional rewards and everything other wonderful thing surrounding the miracle of adoption are entirely separate from the cold hard facts surrounding the financial part. 

    It is a business.  It's a business that provides people who want to be parents babies.  It's a WONDERFUL business for those who can afford to avail themselves of that service.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Does it cost that much money to adopt an older child that is in foster-care?
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from tc95. Show tc95's posts

    Re: March 2011

    I'm with Kar on this one... disturbing as it is to think of it this way, adoption is an industry with a definite imbalance between supply and demand (for newborns anyway). I hate the cost, and hate that DH and I even have to consider it but we will because we're self-indulgent idiots who really want to have a child (kidding... we're not idiots : ) 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: March 2011

    L&D isn't cheap either, but most people have insurance that covers it. It costs a lot to bring a baby into the world for the vast majority of people. The difference is that people don't generally have to pay out of pocket.

    It's not nearly as expensive to adopt an older child who has been in foster care, but the demand isn't nearly as high for a school-aged child who may have significant psychological issues on top of everything else.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ml2620-2. Show ml2620-2's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Um, I say becoming a parent is self-indulgent as someone who tried to have a baby for three years, went to a fertility specialist who told me I'd never conceive and then barfed my way through our adoption orientation (turns out it was not the flu, but the start of four months of horrible, wonderful morning sickness). I'm just as much self indulgent as anyone else.

    Just wanted to make sure I wasn't accusing anyone of being self indulgent without acknowledging my own shortcomings.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: March 2011

    In Response to Re: March 2011:
    [QUOTE]Kar- I didn't spend $30- 50k on a car or wedding either nor should anyone be ashamed of spending that much either.
    Posted by tomarra[/QUOTE]

    Yes they should
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Not sure who is making adoption into a 'holier than thou' issue. 

    DH isn't interested in adopting, which is why we are not adopting. It has nothing to do w/ the cost issue; I just have a philosophic aversion to the cost issue. 

    Adoption is great if it works for your family. My best friend and her sister are adopted.  I'm sure her parents  would agree that the parents benefitted more from the adoption than the children did. However, I doubt it cost as much or took as long to get through all the adoption wickets 30-40 years ago.  
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lemonmelon. Show lemonmelon's posts

    Re: March 2011

    In Response to Re: March 2011:
    [QUOTE]Does it cost that much money to adopt an older child that is in foster-care?
    Posted by beniceboston[/QUOTE]

    My friends are going through this process now and say that it costs between nothing and a couple thousand for a US adoption.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from am1028. Show am1028's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Also,  I'll point out that A LOT of peopel do, in fact pay $30-50k to have a child.  Infertility treatments can run that much easily.  Here in MA, that is covered by insurance, but in most other states, it's not.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: March 2011

    My BIL and SIL live in FL. They paid over $20k out of pocket to do fertility treatment and egg donation b/c it was not covered on their insurance. They did get twins out of the deal, but they put the entire shebang on a credit card. I know they still constantly complain about money issues now, and girls are in kindergarten.  I personally think they are nuts for shelling out that kind of money, but it's their money and their lives. If that's how they want to spend it, more power to them.  They admitted to $20k, so I would wager it's closer to $30k or higher. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from beniceboston. Show beniceboston's posts

    Re: March 2011

    So, is it possible to say that newborns available for adoption are not exactly unwanted and in need of a good home, but rather there are so many people wanting to adopt them, that the birth parents have more control over who they allow to adopt their child and can also seek reimbursement for the cost the incurred to have the child? Which is why the agencies are in existence and also why it costs so much more?

    In Response to Re: March 2011:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: March 2011 : My friends are going through this process now and say that it costs between nothing and a couple thousand for a US adoption.
    Posted by lemonmelon[/QUOTE]
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: March 2011

    The joy of adoption for everyone involved couldn't be less related to the fact that adoption costs a lot of money.  And, kids go up for adoption when they are unwanted and/or unable to be cared for, and they are taken by parents who want and can care for them.  That's a rescue.  What happens after that when everyone bonds and the new family becomes what it does with all the relationships becoming interdependent is a totally separate phenomenon from the passing of papers and transfer of funds for the legal adoption process.

    And, similarly, it can be argued that parents who pay $100,000 for fertility treatments bought a pregnancy.  So what?  Who's judging them?  Not me!  I'm happy for any parents who love their kids and were able to go to any lengths they wanted to go to bring them into their familie by any legal means available.

    ETA:  I don't know why this is highlighted in bright white...I didn't do that.  
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: March 2011

    My take on it is that it's harder to terminate parental rights than it used to be [30-40 years ago], so you have additional wickets to go through to effectuate an adoption in such a way that you don't have to worry about the birth parents coming back later on.  This is why it costs more.  Parental rights are either already terminated or are in the process of being terminated [they are at least in question] once the child is in the foster care system.  

    Either way, putting the cost aside, some people don't want to spend years and go through all the red tape involved w/ adoption.  There is nothing wrong w/ that. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: March 2011

    In Response to Re: March 2011:
    [QUOTE]So, is it possible to say that newborns available for adoption are not exactly unwanted and in need of a good home, but rather there are so many people wanting to adopt them, that the birth parents have more control over who they allow to adopt their child and can also seek reimbursement for the cost the incurred to have the child? Which is why the agencies are in existence and also why it costs so much more? In Response to Re: March 2011 :
    Posted by beniceboston[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure I would go so far as to say that the birth mothers are trying to make a buck in the deal, but it's probably a factor in why the agencies exist.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: March 2011

    Not that I'm here to belabor the cost issue, but $20-$30K for a child is not much in the grand scheme of how much children cost in the end.  We pay over $20K in child care costs per year.  At this rate, by the time that my kids are both in Kindergarden, I could have adopted 5 kids!  

    My natural birth at a hospital cost us over $4,000 (high deductible health insurance plan).

    I just bought a new carseat for my daughter, there goes another $220.  

    The important thing to realize too is that you do get a tax credit which is worth something for adoption which you don't really get for all the other costs (child care credit is a joke).  

    Regardless, how people spend their money is nobody's business but their own.  It's just not fair to those who need to spend more money up front to have their children, but that's just the way it works.  
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Daisy75. Show Daisy75's posts

    Re: March 2011

    To add to Lostgrouse's point, many employers will provide ~$5000 towards off-setting the costs of an adoption (usually as a reimbursement with proper documentation and receipts).  I'm not entirely sure how it works, but if both you and your spouse/partner work for companies that offer this, then presumably, you could have ~$10K of the cost covered by your employers.  I don't know how this affects the tax credits Lostgrouse has noted, but that's a huge off-set if it's available to you.
     
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