planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from stefani2. Show stefani2's posts

    planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    i see a lot of familiar names in the TTC boards again - can't believe we're all thinking about more babies already!  ;)  wondering how you've known you were ready to try again and for those who have 2 or 3 children, what has been a good age gap for you?  i'm struggling with this because with twins i already have 2, and i can't imagine how i or a nanny could manage 3 small children (even the day to day aspects of it, getting in and out of the house in boston, no car, keeping everyone entertained, etc.), but at the same time i don't want a huge gap between the twins and a potential third child (who, if ever exists, HOPEFULLY will be a singleton!) and may feel left out... i'm struggling with this one and would love to hear your thoughts/insight. 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    It will be up to a parent of twins to encourage activities that involve all 3 kids, to prepare the twins to welcome a third, etc. The singleton will not feel left out if the twins are not allowed to ostracize him/her from the get go.  They will develop special relationships with the "new kid" if those relationships are fostered and set up for success.

    As for the timing and logistics, just one seems like an overwhelming thought to me so you've already left me in the dust on that one! ;)


     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    We had a set idea in our minds about a gap.  I'm fairly young, so we didn't feel too much pressure to rush back into it.  I had to wait until I got an all-clear from my cardiologist.  I also waited until I had accrued a decent amount of sick leave so I could get some paid time.  Then we "pulled the goalie" and went for it.
    To echo Kar's comment about logistics: I will say it took a little longer and the timing wasn't as perfect as we had hoped.  The first time around it happened quicker than we anticipated, this time around it took a few tries. 

    I was definitely in the camp where I REALLY didn't want to get pregnant again until I was ready.  I lived in constant fear of the minipill failing me and got right back on my regular pill as soon as I weaned her.  Some people are more laissez-faire about the whole contraception thing and figure if they conceive a second one it's great and all for the best. 

    I am happy with our spacing.  DD will be 3 in March and I"m due in June with #2.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Stef... very good question.  We are TTC #2 and I kinda feel like we are "just because."  I have no real strong opinion either way on stopping or continuing our brood.  I'm an only child, so I'd be fine with just my DS if we were to have no more.  But I'd also really love to see what kind of little person a second baby IPW would be like.  And I will say, as an only, now that my Dad is sick, it is incredibly hard being the only one to care for him, and I'd hate for that to ever be my son.  We started now (well.. 4 months ago) simply because of our age.  I'm 37 and DH is 40.  So no real thought process behind the kid's age difference other than "gee, we better get moving or else we're out."  If we get PG in the next month or two, they will be exactly 2 years apart.  I agree with Kar... totally up to the parents on squashing any feelings of being left out.  That can happen to any child.  My mom, the middle of 5, is closest to the oldest and the youngest and the other two now say they always felt left out from those three.
    As for extra work load.. I posted in one of the TTC threads about being terrified of that.  I really have our schedule all worked out now, and even on nights when DH works late, I can manage me and DS quite well.  But, I just look at some friends with 2 or more and if they can do it... I hope I can too. It may be incredibly hard for the first year... but it has to get better... right? :-)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Trouble30. Show Trouble30's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    In Response to Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.:
    [QUOTE]Some people are more laissez-faire about the whole contraception thing and figure if they conceive a second one it's great and all for the best.Posted by lissafro[/QUOTE]

    This laissez-faire attitude was totally us after #1 and I fell pregnant with #2 when #1 was only 6 months old.  My kids are 15.5 months apart.  In one way, it's good because you are already in the thick of diapers and all things baby so it wasn't much of a transition to having.  But it's also really hard because they are both babies and my DD isn't old enough to be helpful with DS.

    We think we want at least one more, but this time I want to wait a bit and I'm on the mini pill.  I'm also so tired all the time that there's not too much risk if you know what I mean :) 

    We also have the luxury of one of us being able to be at home full time with the kids, so that makes the whole child care issue a non-issue.  MY DH does that and it really is a full time job.  He is the best!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from winter09wedding. Show winter09wedding's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Well, we started trying a few months ago for number 2, DS is 16 months now... because we would like 2 or 3 kids, and we are older (I'm 35 now, DH is 37... and if we want another one after...). So, we decided two years apart would be doable. part of it was cost- if they are all 2 years apart, even if we have three, we would only have one year of all of them in daycare, which I think will be very expensive :)

    that being said... we got a BFP this morning. so assuming all goes well, they will be 25 months apart almost to the day.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Congrats, Winter! Sending you sticky thoughts in the upcoming weeks!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    We also fell into the "NOT not trying" category for #2. I think if we had tried to sit down and make a choice that we'd still be wavering back and forth about having a second one. So, I am glad that fate stepped in and made the decision for us! I am 40 now (39 when DS#2 was born a couple of months ago), so I am extremely grateful that everything worked out for us despite my AMA status. My boys are two years apart, almost to the day. (DS#2's birthday is 5 days before DS#1.0

    Things that are good about that gap: DS #1 can amuse himself for longer periods of time on his own, he's old enough to understand being gentle and quiet around the baby, he won't ever remember being an only child, so there's really no sense of loss on his part, we're master diaperers, etc.

    Things that are hard: both boys are still very needy and they have very different needs--that's exhausting; DS#1 is 2 and has no sense of patience--so, if he wants water and I'm in the middle of a diaper change with #2, a tantrum often happens because he doesn't "get" that he has to wait a couple of minutes; I had a very difficult pregnancy with #2 (hyperemesis, bed rest for the last 5 weeks, etc.)--that was really hard with a toddler who needed his mummy, and add to that the fact that you have pg exhaustion but there's no time to rest like with the first pg.

    I think spacing comes down to individual needs and preferences. And, like all things parenting, there are no guarantees no matter how much you plan (or don't plan). My brother and I are 6.5 years apart, and for me it is/was ideal. But, I never knew any different, so there's that, too.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from luckinlife. Show luckinlife's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Being older we felt we needed to get on it.  Although, in reality, with an egg donor and frozen embryos, we probably have another 10 years.
    I am a little worried about having another one when DD is only 19 months.
    STefani - I think 2 years between is good timing.  I also did not want to be too old for our kids.

    IPW - I am sorry about your father.  That is one of the main reasons that I wanted to get pregnant again.  So that when we are older, DD has someone else on her side.  My parents both died when I was younger so not having my sisters would have been super hard.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from LiveLoveLearnEnjoy. Show LiveLoveLearnEnjoy's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    We knew we wanted at least two.  We haven't really talked about going beyond that.  What we talked about when deciding on trying again was that it took a long time to conceive DS (2.5 years) so we were afraid we may have issues again so we thought the sooner we started trying the better.  Though we went about it in a whatever happens happens way, not okay let's start trying again...tracking cycles kind of stuff. Our age were factors as well.  I'm going to be 35and DS is 38. 

    We were lucky and got pregnant pretty quickly this time...about 3 months after deciding to just see what happens.  I agree with IPW if others can manage with 2 or 3 and figure it out, we could too.  A friend is having her third in a few weeks and they are all 2 years apart...she is a little worried about having three but she has managed great so far!  I think it is important to do what you are comfortable with.

    If you feel you and your DH feel ready to try again no matter the outcome (another set of twins in case you go the fertility route again) that is what is important.  If you don't feel ready, then wait.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lissafro. Show lissafro's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    In Response to Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc. : MY DH does that and it really is a full time job.  He is the best!
    Posted by Trouble30[/QUOTE]
     Jealous!  If I made enough money for us to have that arrangement, we'd end up with 5 or 6 kids haha.  My DH would be a wonderful house husband.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from IPWBride. Show IPWBride's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Winter... had to jump back on and say congrats!!! What an exciting Christmas present for you and your DH.

    And to your point about 3 in daycare.  My colleague is due in May with her 3rd.  So she'll have a 3 1/2, 1 1/2 and infant.  And her day care will be $4,500/mth.  And, she is still going to work.  Good lord!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Congrats, Winter!

    The thought of the daycare bill is definitely a little scary to me, but like so many others, we are on the older side of the spectrum (I'm 35 and DH is 38), and so we want to keep the possibility of a third on the table.  We knew two was a definite.  And the thought of two can be scary, since I feel like almost 14 months in, we really have a rhythm for the three of us, and are doing well...it's intimidating to think about throwing off that balance. 

    The point about the oldest not remembering life before there were two is one I liked, too.  My sister and I are just about exactly 2 years apart, and I really can't remember life before her.  I love that we have a lifetime of shared memories, which have helped us get through some rough spots in our relationship over the years; I want my DD to have someone to share her memories with too. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    We all fear change, but the new doesn't stay new for long; a routine will emerge fairly quickly that accomodates however many join your clan. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kiwigal. Show kiwigal's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    In Response to Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.:
    [QUOTEAnd to your point about 3 in daycare.  My colleague is due in May with her 3rd.  So she'll have a 3 1/2, 1 1/2 and infant.  And her day care will be $4,500/mth.  And, she is still going to work.  Good lord!
    Posted by IPWBride[/QUOTE]

    That's crazy! We have the infant and toddler tuitions and our monthly payments are $300 more per month than our mortgage. I try not to think about it too much because it makes my head hurt!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from bostongrl. Show bostongrl's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    The daycare costs can seem staggering for more than one ... but when we talk about having 2 I remind DH that daycare is a sort of investment in your career.  For me, if I were to take 2-3 years off from work to stay home, my field would be incredibly hard to re-enter (engineering).  It is male dominated and technology dependent ... so even if you did keep up with the technology, the people hiring you would doubt your ability to re-enter at the same caliber as your peers.  I also know that once my youngest sister was born, my mom was essentially working for health insurance because 3 kids in daycare plus commuting costs essentially ate up her check, but my dad was self employeed and so did not have company provided insurance (and it allowed her to position herself for better jobs after we were a bit older).  Around the time we were in elementary school, she hired a nanny (well actually an au pair who lived with us) because we were starting to need to be driven all over creation and with 3 kids it ended up being cheaper to have one dedicated person. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Stefani-you'll know when you're ready to try again. I think people hit a point when they realize they can withstand the insanity again.

    DS and DD are almost 3 years apart. So far I think it is great timing. DS totally gets that sometimes we need to take care of DD and he waits patiently. Sometimes not. :)

    Logistics are definitely harder-we're still working out the bedtime routine with two kiddos...hopefully the routine will work itself out soon. I don't know how single parents do more than one kid! my hats are off to them.

    Considering you've worked out the logistics of two kids already and I'm sure they already know they have to wait a few minutes while the other child is attended to you should be fine! When you feel ready go for it! (and best of luck only having 1).
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    boston, that's a great way to look at it, as an investment in maintaining your career.  I left work 3 years ago, and people say, "Oh, you could always go back," but I really couldn't even if I wanted to.  Things change so fast, and I've honestly been left in the dust.  There have been 3 layoffs since 2008 where I used to work and there's no place for me there, now.  I was in engineering, too, though - maybe it's different in other fields.  But, it's something to consider, I think, no matter what.  It's not always a given that you can go back "whenever."
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from medfordcc. Show medfordcc's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Congratulations, Winter!!
    I originally said I wanted them to be about two years apart, but that means we could try now (LO is 16 months) and I am not ready.  The lurking I'm doing on the pregnancy and TTC boards is my very *teeny* *tiny* beginning of beginning to get ready.  That, along with the crazy staring and smiling I do at every baby I see.
    I think that part of deciding that another one would be a good idea is accepting that the one I have is becoming a little girl and not a tiny babe-in-arms.  Having a hard time with that part!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Congrats, Winter!

    IPW - I hear you on the parent care situation.  I am also an only child and my dad is out of the picture, so the few times my mom has had serious health issues in the past few years it's really just me dealing with it, although she does have a live-in partner - who, although I think is great, is not very helpful in those situations. 

    Although I think I did ok as an only child, given ideal circumstances I think I would have liked to have a sibling.  So, those two factors have influenced our decision to have #2 (we just didn't expect it to happen BEFORE we started trying, lol).

    Provided all goes well with this pregnancy, our kids will be about 21 months apart.  Didn't really have much say in that - it simply is what it is!  :)  It's actually kind of nice to not have to stress about the decision.  Now we just prepare as best we can and look at all of the positives!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from rama8677. Show rama8677's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    My thoughts: whatever you do will work out best for your family. Everyone has opinions on how far apart kids should be spaced in the family, but really, however it works out will be fine. What matters most, as Kar and others have said, is how the parents work to foster a bond between the kids of all ages, and whether the kids' personalities mesh well together. I am one of four kids, with a decade in between oldest and youngest and I have, at times, been close with each of my sibs, and also gone through stretches of not being close. Now that we are all out of the house, we all make an effort to get together and enjoy seeing each other and I attribute that to the many family dinners, activities, long car rides etc that my parents pushed upon us as kids. In my case, we decided we would like to try for # 2 to be born when my daughter was between 2.5 and 3. Not knowing how long the process would take, we started when my daughter was 19 months and it just worked out that we got a BFF that, if all goes well (I'm 6.5 weeks pg now), will mean # 2 being born when DD is exactly 2.5. Will it be rough at first having a child in the midst of the terrible twos and a newborn? I'm sure. But I think whenever you bring a new child into the family it will be an adjustment for all. If the older sibs are 3 or older, they may be more helpful and understanding but also might have a tougher time adjusting to the new arrival. If the older sibs are 2 or younger, they will likely need attention and be needy but not have as many memories of life before the baby. So there is not an ideal age.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from dz76. Show dz76's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    We wanted one and two to be about two years apart and that's what happened.  We just didn't plan on two and three to be 1 minute apart! 

    We aren't there yet but DH and I both have said we're not sure we're done.  If money were no problem, and there was a way to guarantee we wouldn't have spontaneous twins again, we'd definatly have more kids.

    We always wanted 3 but I never thought I'd be done having children at this age.

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Poppy, I'm an only child too and I know what you mean about wanting a sibling. The sibling dynamic fascinates me because it was never a part of my world. Sometimes I worry about having more than one because I have no idea what to expect with siblings!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lostgrouse. Show Lostgrouse's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Dz, I feel like I'm too young to be done having kids too (had #2 at 29), but I'm happy with my two who are 27 months apart. It's been quite fun!
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Redsoxfan76. Show Redsoxfan76's posts

    Re: planning for #2/#3 - age gaps, etc.

    Congrats, Winter!

    My DD is about 10.5 months now, and I am itching to have #2 already. As others have said, I feel like she is growing up so fast and kind of miss the tiny baby aspect. On the other hand, we love her so much that it is actually difficult for me to fathom loving a second child so much, or splitting that love between two kids (corny, I know).

    That being said, we are waiting until Q3 '12 to start again. I still have not lost most of my baby weight and I really want to feel healthy again before being pregnant. So, if we were to get pg right off it would mean she would be about 2 and 3 months when #2 was born. Scary! But I can't wait, regardless. I am also a little long in the tooth (35 now, DH is 34) and don't want to wait too long.

    Good luck in your decision! There were some great opinions on this board.
     
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