This was an email I sent to a friend, at his behest, I'm am posting somewhere more public as I do not, and will not ever succumb to facialbook.
Again, this was an email to a friend, if I offended anyone...TOO BAD! (occasional wording has been changed to keep identities a secret and to pass the sensor nazis)
Please hold your applause until the end!
Thank you. I know you all have been eagerly awaiting the first edition of Dragon's Fantastical Football Phicks. Now, some may ask..."Dragon, why start in Week 3 after the Thursday game? Well, to those people I cheerily say: "Fk off!"
Now, on to the picks:
NE v TB - On the surface, this appears to be New England versus TOM BRADY! After the initial shock and settling down...and trying to discern these two teams from each other given all the player movement the past year...it seems clear that NE, with all their injuries, should have no real problem defeating a team with a very disappointing QB (mostly disappointing in his lack of consistency). Doug Martin just ain't enough on his own...look for Chandler Jones to build on a strong Week 2 with 10 days to get ready...
AZ v NO - Seems like NO should just roll through this one...well, true to their initials...NO! N'awlins just isn't as good as they like to think they are. Not a bad team by any stretch, but that team has been neutered and still feels like they were wronged. Complaining about illegal hits after week 2? Oh, the irony. Stay classy NO! And after all that reasoning....NO in a close one.
GB v CIN - This could, in all honesty, be the best game of the day. Cincy really, REALLY wants to be a grown-up team. And they've actually been headed in the right direction. And it's week 3, which means it's early enough in the season, before muscle-memory takes over and Cincy turns into a bunch of r e t a r d e d thugs. GB, though, is still GB and one of the better teams in the NFC. They've put up 66 points in 2 games, and I just don't see Cincy, and their 41, keeping up all game.
StL v DAL - Week 3? Dallas all the way. StL will be good, just not yet. If this was the playoffs or a meanigful late-season game with playoff ramifications, I could count on Romo to crumble like a jetliner impacted skyscraper (read disclaimer above)...but, again, it's week 3. He'll probably throw for 400 yards.
CLE v MIN - Who cares? MIN.
SD v TEN - Jake Locker isn't as good as hoped. Philip Rivers never was. LT, even post-career, is still a whiny, over-rated clown, I expect him to wear sunglasses on the set so he can hide just like he did behind his visor in playoff games in NE. Maybe one day, far removed from both he and Rivers, I can actually take them seriously again...until then, TEN.
DET v Wash - This game excites me! It excites me in a way I'll never admit to my girlfriend, and should probably seek professional help for! RGknee is a curiosity. His mechanics are a mess, but he seems to be getting better. Detroit should consistently be better than they are, I think they're fighting against a history of losing which causes Stafford to, at times, channel his inner Scott Mitchell (meaning, randomly throws left-handed...obviously). As a side note...would people leave Suh alone! The dudes an amazing player. I'd happily take him on NE. Detroit wins this points-fest.
NYG v CAR - Ok....so you don't know my complete dislike of one SCam Newton. Horrible attitude. Entitled. Decent throwing QB. Good runner. NOT a team leader. Not even a grownup. Then there's the NYG....do I need to go into details of my disdain for them? Oh, add to it that today I get only NYG on TV because, somehow CONNECTICUT, which, last time I checked, is part of FKING NEW ENGLAND is considered in the NYG viewing area! Fk Fox, Fk the NYG. CAR all day.
HOU v Balt - A good matchup of second tier teams. Did I just call the defending super bowl champ 2nd tier? Damn right I did. They lost Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and Boldin, leaving Joe Flacco as the most senior leader of that team. GOOD LUCK! Houston just can't get over that 2nd tier hump, though they've had the talent for a few seasons. My coin tells me heads, which must mean Houston, because Baltimore can kiss my tail!
ATL v MIA - Atlanta. I don't even have anything witty of funny to say. ATL is the better, more complete, better coached, more talent. Which means MIA will somehow blow them out, but I still pick ATL!
NYJ v BUF - What a bottom-feeding, rookie QB matchup this is! Geno Smith seems to be incredibly turnover-prone, where-as EJ Manuel seems to be much safer with the pigskin. I think this game comes down to a late mistake by the Jets rookie, which gives the Bills rookie the win. Yes, it all comes down to the 2 rookie QBs in a team game with 53 man rosters. Totally logical on my part.
Indy v SF - I'm going Indy on this one. Richardson will show that potential everyone knows he has, but few got to see against 8 man boxes and 0 help in CLE. Nobody knows how Indy will deploy him yet, and Luck has already proven he's a legitimate NFL QB (I swear, there's no racial undertones here....really....just coincidence) with a true WR threat in Hilton. I think SF runs into a buzzsaw today, and come Monday people will be sporting raging boners over Indy like they were after PHI in week 1.
JAX v SEA - Jacksonville has no hope. They'll probably fall into a win or two at some point this season...but not this week. Seattle's defense should do whatever they want against JAX. Sea in a blowout.
CHI v PIT - Are there 2 more unlikeable teams currently in football? I don't think so. But football isn't about people liking you, it's about harrassing cheerleaders and doing roids before running headfirst into another person! forte is the difference here, and Chicago wins by ten or so.
OAK v DEN - I'd like to take a moment to express my displeasure ove rthe canning of one Hank WIlliams Jr. I AM ready for some football! Oakland isn't anything good. Welker's Broncos are. Divisional games are always surprising, and this won't disappoint. Den scores late to s n a t c h the victory. Tune in next week for Week 2 (which is actually Week 4) 's picks!