1. Patriots: On paper, they have the best team. And since preseason power rankings are all about how good a team looks on paper, the Pats are number 1. Look for a 13-3 record and the top seed in the playoffs.
2. Chargers: Speaking of paper, these guys are the ultimate paper champions. This team should be the defending super bowl champions. Unfortunately, they are coached by Norv Turner. Still, they should be in the 12-4, 13-3, but don't be surprised when they are bounced in the divisional round at home by team No. 3 . . .
3. Steelers: It's so annoying to see people put the Steelers on top of their power rankings because they won LAST YEAR. That's not the point. Look, Big Bee will understand if his team doesn't get the nod at the top of some jackasses power rankings. He's got his ring. So stop trying to be all politically correct media peeps. The Steelers are a good football team, though not great. They won last year because they were opportunistic. Their nemesis Brady goes down, San Diego again fails to live up to potential, and the Colts again fail to beat the failing-to-live-up-to-potential Chargers. I see 11-5 and an AFC Championship loss in New England.
4. Eagles: The Eagles' new corner Ellis Hobbs is psyched that Plaxico Burress won't be toasting him anymore. Solid team that should edge out the Giants in the NFC East. 12-4.
5. Giants: The Giants failed to address their gaping hole at WR. Hakeem Nicks is a rookie. Talk to me in 2011. That is the reason why they will finish 11-5 and lose the division on the last week of the season to a surging Eagles team.
6. Saints: It's time. They won't win the division, but now that Reggie has dumped Kim K, he'll have some energy left for the field. The Saints will make the Super Bowl with a January upset of the Falcons in Atlanta and the Eagles in Philly.
7. Colts: Yeah, yeah, they have coaching issues. Offensive line issues. Defensive issues. But as a Pats fan, this team JUST WON'T GO AWAY. Once again, however, they will come up short in a playoff game in New England.
8. Falcons: Matt Ryan continues to progress and now he has another target. This year they win the division, the number two seed, but ultimately lose in the divisional round to the Saints.
9. Cardinals: Warner and Co. once again make the playoffs and win the division. This time, they don't get by Philly and are out in the divisional round.
10. Vikings: Sure, they make the playoffs. But then Sage and Citrus Rosenfels blows it against the Cards in Arizona.
11. Houston: This team has been on its way for a good three years. But this is the year they break through with a 10-6 record and the fifth seed in the AFC. Of course, they will promptly get smoked by Manning and Co. in the wild card round.
12. Chiefs: Call me crazy, but I have a feeling this is your "Huh?" team of the 2009 season. 9-7 and in the playoffs.
13. Panthers: Running game. Check. Defense. Check. Quarterback. Uhhhh, Jake Delhomme . . . he's good right? Nope. 9-7 and out.
14. Bears: Cutler is a d*ck. And he hasn't won anything. Look for that to continue. 8-8 at best.
15. Ravens: They have a good defense, but will Ryan's departure affect them? I think it will and they will have to rely more on their offense then in years past. And they will find out that their offense still s*cks. Really? I can't write s*cks? What if I said that losing Ryan s*cks the life out of this team? Nope, I guess not.
16. Titans: They lost Haynesworth. He was the best defensive player in the league. Now, they get year two of the Kerry Collins experience. Good luck.
17. Cowboys: Over under on Wade Phillips collecting unemployment - 10 games. No T.O., no popcorn, no playoffs.
18. Dolphins: Pennington never, I mean NEVER, has two healthy seasons in a row. So look to see Chad Henne progress, but not quickly enough for the playoffs.
19. Bengals: Why not? At this point in the rankings, who knows.
20. Washington: If this were the FA power rankings, they'd be higher. But Big Al can't play QB can he?
21. Packers: I don't even care. Maybe they should be higher, but this is getting boring.
22. Bills: This should be interesting. Is Trent Edwards a good QB? He better be a good QB and deaf, because his patience and confidence will be tested by DB TO.
23. Jaguars: Remember when they were tied with the Patriots 14-14 in the 2007 divisional playoffs? Yeah, me neither.
24. Seahawks: They could be decent with Hasslebeck coming back. But they are really far away and I'm going to apply the east coast bias here and rank them 24.
25. Jets: Mark Sanchez will be 8,000 times better than Matthew Stafford. Too bad Tom Brady will be 8,000 better than Mark Sanchez.
26. Broncos: I'm not a McDaniels fan. The offensive game plan in the 2007 super bowl was p*ss poor. But at least he had the NFL's version of the Harlem Globetrotters. What will he do with Kyle Orton and company?
27. Bucs: I don't even know who plays for them anymore. Do you? Byron Leftwich? Earnest Graham? Doug Williams?
28. Rams: Yet another team not worth talking about.
29. 49ers: Raging QB controversy - Alex Smith vs. Shaun Hill. Really brings back memories of Steve Young v. Joe Montana.
30. Raiders: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
31. Lions: They'll be better, if only because some team will not show up and get upset.
32. Browns: Karma is a b*tch you rat b*stard.