Satire article by Texans fan in response to Dan Shaughnessy article
posted at 1/11/2013 12:50 AM EST
Ok guys, this is super funny. This is a Satire article written by a Texans fan in response to the article written by Dan Shaughnessy. It's pretty long but super funny because it is so ridiculous. From research it seems to be a Texan fan, hence the name Shaugn Danniels (Dan Shaughnessy) who tweets crazy stuff about the Texans vs Patriots game. Here you go..
Rich Levine - CSNNE.COM Columnist
Over the last few days, there’s been a ton of conversation — both locally and nationally — surrounding a recent column by the Boston Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy.
In case you missed it, Shaughnessy used his space in Sunday’s paper to make an over-the-top guarantee about this week's Patriots/Texans game. "Pass Go and collect $200," he wrote. "The Patriots are in the AFC title game."
What happened next?
Well, for a multitude of reasons (most of which pretty much disprove the existence of God), the column went viral, somehow ended up in Arian Foster’s Twitter avatar and has since become a 'round-the-clock talking point for media folks nationwide.
Of course, from a Patriots perspective, the biggest concern stemming from Shaughnessy's think piece is that it provides unnecessary inspiration and bulletin board material for a team that already has enough.
But thankfully, it seems one Houston-area writer has set out to even the score. His name is Shaughn Daniels (@shaughndaniels) and he's a columnist from the Galveston Globe. I'm not going to link to his story because Daniels clearly only wrote it to stir the pot, troll the masses and get a few cheap clicks. I don't want to support that.
But at the very least, maybe spreading his nonsense can provide a little extra motivation for the Pats, and offset whatever damage was done by the Dean Wormer of the Boston sports media scene.
Read on at your own risk . . .
Destiny Awaits Texans
By: Shaughn Daniels
Galveston Globe columnist (@ShaughnDaniels)
Houston we have a problem . . .
A NEEDING-TO-BUY-SUPER-BOWL-TICKETS PROBLEM!
The 2012-13 Houston Texans have been waiting all season for this moment, and their master plan has finally fallen into place. Mark it down, gang: February 3, 2013 — your Houston Texans are headed to New Orleans.
Catch my drift?
I mean, seriously? In the business, we call this a lock. We call this destiny. Only road games against the Patriots and Broncos stand between Houston and their first-ever Super Bowl appearance?
That’s right, Texans fans. Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, because that’s what it’s all about. The Promised Land.
My point is that there’s no chance in hell that the Texans lose to the new-age choke artists on Sunday. The Patriots? Ha! What is this 2005?! NOT. The days of New England coming up big when it matters most are over. Anyone can see that. Do you know what I mean?
The regular season is well and good, my friends. But lately, when the Patriots get to the playoffs, they end up going directly to jail. They don't pass GO. It's not a race. It's not a chase. They don't hurry up and feed their face. They lose. They lost to the Giants, they lost to the Jets, they lost to the Ravens, they lost to the Giants. They've lost four playoffs games in the last five years, and guess what, folks?
They were favored every time.
That means that they will choke again. You dig? You don't need a PHD from Rice to know how predictable sports are. And this one is about as predictable as they come.
The Pats don't have a chance.
You feel me?
It's THAT easy.
The Texans are going to win!
First of all, because Bill Belichick is one of the most fraudulent coaches in NFL history. Let's see how he would have done with David Carr under center, right? I mean, did you see what happened the one year he didn't have Brady? HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. Fraud.
Oh yeah and can this guy even coach defense anymore? Have you seen the Patriots 'D' this year? I know I haven't (Confession: I fell asleep in the first quarter of that Monday nighter). Still, New England's defense is weaker than a one-sentence paragraph. More useless than a rhetorical question. Seriously, can you imagine anything worse than the Patriots secondary?
Maybe Stevan Ridley. Or as I call him "Mr. Dropsies."
Ridley fumbles every single game. He'll obviously fumble on Sunday. And when he does, I guarantee the Texans recover. This time, I guarantee it's going to be different.
There's no way that the Patriots can contain Arian Foster and JJ Watt again. It's literally impossible. The Pats won't know what hit them. They know they got lucky last time. We all know they did.
This is the match-up the Texans have been waiting for. This is how it was always supposed to go: Lose to the Pats. Then keep losing. Just enough to guarantee a rematch and lure them into a false sense of security. It's the same move the Jets pulled two years ago and you saw how well that worked. THIS IS THE EXACT SAME THING.
The Texans have spent the last month playing dead in the weeds, while the fraudulent Patriots — who haven't won a Super Bowl in eight years, and have a quarterback who's getting older and slower and less effective every week — have predictability spent the time building up false expectations. Am I the only one who sees this?!
Of course not.
It's not even up for debate.
And neither is that fact that after dispatching of the pathetic chokers in New England, the Texans will cruuuuise past the Broncos. Why?
Um, have you forgotten Week 3?
Texans 31, Broncos 25, IN DENVER.
There's now way that kind of regular season dominance doesn't transfer into the playoffs. It always does! The Texans will show up at Mile High and pick up right we're they left off.
But first, they have to make a quick stop in Foxboro.
I'll see you in New Orleans.