Re: Would anyone care...
posted at 4/9/2011 11:45 PM EDT
In Response to Would anyone care...
[QUOTE]If I killed myself?
Posted by IndyIove[/QUOTE]
Look, I'll be perfectly and openly honest wit you right here... I WANT to care...I really and trully in my deepest of heart and soul's desire want to care. Heck, I've had the feeling that I wished I was dead a million times in my life. I've got serious depression, and before I was diagnosed with it I was attempting to deal with my depression through any thing and every thing... When working my #ss of at jobs and working out 24-7, and jumping from relationship to relationship every second, and reading and diving into my love for knowledge in every great literary work, eventually failed to keep me busy enough to keep out the dark depressive thoughts of self-doubt and hatred during the wee hours of the night, I turned to drinking...which turned to oxycotin use...which turned to the desire to work out less...which turned to alienating my friends and either not caring or not having the time or just not feeling good enough to even go outside or even pick up a phone...which turned to the sloth-like complacency to stay at the same cr#ppy job and stay in the same cr#ppy relationship...
THEN, I was finally diagnosed with depression. Unfortunately now ("then"), I've got a sh#tty girlfriend or no girlfriend, I'm lookin' like sh#t, I'm a drug addict and alky, I turn my gaze when seeing words on a passing billboard (so reading a book's probably out), I got bills and I need my sh#tty job that I hate, I have like 1 or none friends left...so life's finally lookin' up now that I have to face THESE issues along WITH my now diagnossed depression. So, what I mean to say in the midst of all of this, Is that I, I unlike a great many persons who haven't gone through these depressive and self-destructing issues, am because I can, really in a place to feel for you, hear your cries, and emphathize with your pain...b/c I've had it in the past, and am still dealing with it now.
But see, here's the rub: Again, I want TO care...I desperately do...I even should. But I don't. Not that there's anything wrong with you...I'm just too tired and lazy to really lift a helping hand. Like when I recently failed to respond to BDC poster's Davedsone's statement after I sided with Harley in their shouting match, after failing to realize that some of these guys's statements were deleted by the mods, so I didn't get 1 bit of what was happening between the 2 guys, and I just thought Davedsone was the total aggressor...Davvedsone wrote back that he wasn't posting on here any longer. And see, being a kind & caring person with a bleeding (gushing) heart upon seeing pained sentiments and suffering by ANY being, I didn't want that to happen. But again, I was too lazy at the time to get on the keyboard to write: "Please don't go. We like you."
So, I care. I just don't wanna- not that I don't wanna...I just don't care about actually DOING anything (about caring about you). Hopefully though, this alone might make you mad enough at human desires to not wanna kill yourself (I still won't care though). But see, if it helps you any....In My OWN struggles, I didn't kill myself b/c God's dead and the afterlife doesn't exist. So the notion of dealing with totally sh#tty reality vs non-being- Well, nonbeing doesn't sound too fun.
If it helps further: Remember that ya can listen to some beautiful music to hear other people's pained sorrow- Personally here, I'd reccomend: Candlebox's "Far behind," The Cranberries "Linger," Everclear's "I will buy you a garden" and "Local God," Hum "Stars," Smashing Pumpkin's "1979" and "Today," Lisa Loeb's "Stay," Soundgarden's "Burden in my hand," Blink 182's "Adam's Song," The Strokes "last night," Weezer's "In the garage," Silverchair's "Tommorow," and The Toadies "Possum Kingdom (so help me jesus)," Cracker's "low," and Spacehog's "In the meantime." ALL good sounding emotion filled & very mostly forgotten hit songs from my gen, to come out a more fulfilled person. Always Marley for inspiration ("three little birds," "No woman no cry," "Buffalo Soldier," "redemption Song," "Is this the love."
Also, as a final note I really feel I must add: First-Don't think too much about poverty, drug use, friendlessness, overpopulation, or the NFL lockout. Secondly, Please...please- IF you kill yourself: Do NOT tell me. Because although I don't wa- CARE enough to help, I CAN-NOT have your death on my conscience (you asking for help & me not giving it=Let's not start making a close association between these 2 premises, o.k.?).