The official start is when notin releases his annual season Baseball Predictions. And for being such good boys and girls, this year, I am including 10% more bias than usual AT NO EXTRA COST!
After last season's debacle I do feel the need to add the disclaimer that these predictions are for entertainment only. Do not go out and place bets in Vegas on my word. These are all very, very likely to be wrong. Go back and look at last year's and see how bad I am at this. (Although, if you do look - Ryan Braun as NL MVP, Jeremy Hellickson as AL ROY. Hmmmm. Vegas?)
Anyway, the fine folks here at Notin, Inc. have worked day and night to show you just how bad they are at predictiing the future. And the past. Seriously, these people have problems. Anyway, now that I have gone into a record-breaking intro and undoutedly built them up waaaaaaaay beyond what they are worth, I give you the 2012 MLB Season, upfront, up close and up y...rs...
1. 1. Yankees – So the Yankees plan to reduce payroll and control free agent spending involved hiring Jim Hendry? That’s like bringing on Lindsey Lohan to be the Designated Driver.
2. 2. Rays – In an effort to double lagging attendance, the Rays adopt a new policy to charge admission to visiting teams, their own bullpen and any Rays’ players not in the starting lineup.
3. 3. Red Sox – In the past, I’ve had them first or second and they kept coming in third. So I’m going to try to jinx them back into the post-season.
4. 4. Blue Jays – Jays’ fans hope for a resurgence of Colby Rasmus. This won’t happen unless the mysterious center field “man in white” is revealed to be his dad.
5. 5. Orioles – Dan Duquette starts his tenure in Baltimore by signing Wei-Yin Chan and Tsuyoshi Wada. This was only after negotiations failed with Jin Ho Cho, Tomo Ohka and Nintendo RBI Super-Ace Robinson Checo.
1. 1. Tigers - At some point in 2013, the Tigers will discover that replacing Brandon Inge’s glove at 3B with that of Miguel Cabrera is like replacing your microwave with an Easy Bake Oven.
2. 2. Indians – After Faux-sto Carmona debacle, the Tribe managements starts investigation whether or not Matt LaPorta is his real name. Futher research shows his .247 / .299 / .412 batting line positively identifies him as Brian Daubach.
3. 3. Royals – Fans get less impressed by the high strikeout rate of Tiny Tim Collins when they realize that he is not actually small, but is simply just very far away.
4. 4. Twins – We all knew they weren’t as bad as last year, but only Kenny Williams did anything about their finish in the cellar.
5. 5. White Sox – I guess we know from whom Kyle Williams inherited that ability to drop the ball.
1. 1. Angels – By May, Vernon Wells abandons plans of hitting his weight and aims for more realistic goal of hitting his shoe size.
2. 2. Mariners – The deal of Michael Pineda highlights their “Anyone Can Pitch in Safeco” philosophy. Bringing in Kevin Millwood shows how far they will go to prove it.
3. 3. Rangers – The Rangers made a big splash this offseason by signing Japanese import Yu Darvish, whose name leads to a series of bad internet jokes that all end with the soon-to-be-tiresome punchline “Did you just call me a Darvish?”
4. 4. A’s – Pitching and defense wins championships. Or is the backbone of last place teams. Or anywhere in between, really.
1. 1. Phillies – Ryan Howard and Placido Polanco begin the season on the Disabled List, where they sit awaiting the annual arrival of Chase Utley.
2. 2. Nationals – Jayson Werth vows to bounce back from his dismal 2011 and live up to his contract. In a related story, the moon vows to outshine the sun.
3. 3. Braves – The rotation features many new young future stars, but will hopefully never be dubbed as being “Beachy Keen.”
4. 4. Marlins – Much like Tommy John, Carlos Zambrano is made famous by having a new surgery named after him. The procedure for CZ surgery involves having one’s head physically removed from one’s rectum.
5. 5. Mets – After much deep exhaustive baseball research into current news, MLB regulations, rules, and historical archives, it turns out that yes, the Mets are still technically an actual baseball team.
1. 1. Reds – Two years ago, Orlando Cabrera. Last year, Edgar Renteria. Julio Lugo anxiously waits by his phone.
2. 2. Brewers – If Nyjer Morgan had been the Brewers OF to test positive, would alter ego Tony Plush be allowed to play those 50 games?
3. 3. Pirates – Why? Why not, I say? (And you would not believe how long it took to come up with that.)
4. 4. Cardinals – At the last minute, the Cardinals bail out on Roy Oswalt, realizing from his demands and wishy-washiness that he is a prime candidate for CZ surgery.
5. 5. Cubs – Epstein starts rebuilding process, knowing full well Mayan apocalypse predictions cannot be fulfilled without the Cubs finally winning.
6. 6. Astros – Jumbotron features new disclaimer “Obejcts on Screen are Crappier Than They Appear.”
1. 1. Diamondbacks – Gerardo Parra wins a Gold Glove and is relegated to bench duty in favor of defensive klutz Jason Kubel. Teammates take note of the clear message – good defense will not be tolerated.
2. 2. Rockies – How could they break up the college backup QBs for the Manning brothers? That is so annoying. Have they no fondness for irrelevant trivia?
3. 3. Giants – The desperate search for offense lead them to Melky Cabrera and Angel Pagan, a pair of switch-hitting outfielders with one good season each at the plate in their careers. Was the cost of dealing for Reggie Willits too high?
4. 4. Dodgers – If you take Kemp and Kershaw off this team, they would still be better than the ‘61 Mets. Although to be fair, a lot of those guys are in their 70’s now.
5. 5. Padres – This team will get fewer hits than website for the Casey Anthony Fan Club. Too soon? OK, how about “this team will score less often than a frat boy in a convent”? Too stupid? OK, let’s try “this team will be less of an offensive force than Yo Gabba Gabba Live.” You get the idea.
AL Wild Card – Tampa
NL Wild Card – Colorado
AL Champion – Tigers
NL Champion – Reds
WS Champion – Tigers
Awards – As always, Red Sox players are ineligible for reasons related to extreme bias
AL MVP – Jose Bautista, Blue Jays
NL MVP – Justin Upton, Diamondbacks
AL Cy Young – Dan Haren, Angels
NL Cy Young – Matt Cain, Giants
AL ROY – Addison Reed, White Sox
NL ROY – Devin Mesoraco, Reds
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