With less than 3 hours before the start of the baseball seasons, and a blizzard here as recently as last Tuesday, it's been tough to get into baseball-thinking mode. I'm still wating for Old Man Winter to step aside and make way for Hot Chick Spring.
But baseball is upon! I can harldy wait for 162 chances to root for the Sox and 162 chances to root against the Yankees. But befroe we start, allow me to bless you all with my wildly inaccurate 2014 BASEBALL PREDICTIONS to allow you just enough time to place your bets in Vegas. Those of you who cannot get those bets in can just send the money directly to me. Trust me, it's the same thing.
So with much more adieu than necessary...
Tampa Bay. Pitching depth suffers as starter Erik Bedard threatens to opt out of his contract if he cannot take his rightful place on the team’s Opening Day disabled list.
Baltimore. Newly signed DH Nelson Cruz took less money to go from the Divorce Capital of the USA to the Teen Pregnancy Capital of the USA. That’s just creepy, Nelson. You’re like 35 years old.
Toronto. Get baseball out of Canada. All they care about are sports that are in the Olympics. C’mon, Bud!! Break those leases and contracts and bring the Jays back home to Charlotte or Columbus or wherever! What’s Canada going to do, sue us? Bring it on, Hockey Boys!! Frivolous lawsuits are OUR national sport!!
New York. This November, GM Brian Cashman welcomes back tarnished slugger Alex Rodriguez with open arms and a toast in his office. “To your triumphant return in 2015, Alex, and this drink contains absolutely no Stanislozol,” he says with his glass raised high in one hand, while the other remains hidden behind his back.
Boston. I picked them here last year for reasons related to how they finish against my predictions. In no way am I messing with that.
Detroit. GM Dave Dombrowski refuses to address his shortstop dilemma by bringing in Stephen Drew at the cost of a draft pick. Hey Dave, are you familiar with your own drafting history?
Cleveland. The big news this offseason was the plan to Carlos Santana to 3B after he proved inadequate at catcher and 1B. If he can't handle this position either, next offseason he will be transitioned to bullpen coach.
Kansas City. As the end of Shields’ contract approaches, you can tell the Royals are “all in” for this season with their offseason spending spree for difference non-makers Norichika Aoki, Omar Infante and Jason Vargas. If you can’t outspend them, try to out-mediocre them, they say.
Chicago. Rebuilding excitement runs high in the Windy City, as newcomers Matt Davidson, Erik Johnson, Adam Eaton and Jose Abreu are set to make their Chicago debuts together and be the backbone of the franchise for as long as they can maintain their pre-arbitration status.
Minnesota. Maybe they should have followed up with the late Cal Pohlad’s plan to just contract the franchise.
Texas. The Rangers signed former Reds CF to a huge contract to be their LF fixture in the future. Don’t the Rangers know what happens when you put a converted CF behind Adrian Beltre?
Oakland. Let’s review the Oakland pitching woes this off-season. Jarrod Parker – disabled. AJ Griffin – disabled. Ryan Cook – disabled. Eric O’Flaherty – disbabled. It’s never a good thing when Scott Kazmir becomes your epitome of health.
Los Angeles – New Angels DH Raul Ibanez lectures teammate Mike Trout, using the line “I was drafted to play this game before you were even born!!” An inquisitive Trout looks it up and find out that indeed, Ibanez was drafted two months before Trout was even born.
Seattle. Some advice for GM Jack Zduriencik – if you want to straighten out your team, start by teaching new closer Fernando Rodney straighten out that #$%#$ cap on his head!
Houston. But on the bright side, Houston sports fans can anticipate one awesome summer looking forward to their teams overall number one pick in the NFL draft.
Washington. This is the year set-up man Drew Storen sets out to show the world why the Nationals picked him over Mike Trout. After all, which player will have more Holds? Exactly.
Atlanta. With their season already in jeopardy due to a slew of pre-season Tommy John surgeries on the staff, the Braves announce their new pitching coach will be Mr. Peabody, who will be charged with using his Wayback machine to travel back to 1894 and stop this whole “pitching overhand” thing from ever happening.
Philadelphia. Amaro and Amaro and Amaro. Creeps along at this petty pace to the last syllable of recorded time. If that isn’t the team slogan, it really should be.
New York. The biggest addition (in terms of pounds) this off-season was Bartolo Colon. With only 6 names on the list, apparently the Mets felt they just weren’t connected enough to the Biogenesis scandal.
Miami. Every time the Sox struggle, some impatient fans scream “Let the kids play!! Let the kids play!!” Pay close attention here. THIS is what happens when you let the kids play.
St. Louis. Team hopes next season can end a little better, but not for that one Wong turn at first base.
Pittsburgh. The success of last year’s team might have spoiled the fan base, and management worries they may be pressured into putting together one winning season every 23 years.
Cincinnati. Questions still surround whether or not oft-hyped speedster Billy Hamilton should break camp with the Reds or start in AAA. Start in AAA? After posting a .651 OPS in Louisville last year, shouldn’t it raise a question about whether or not Hamilton should be benched in AAA?
Milwaukee. Ryan Braun returns after spending his suspension calling each and every Brewers’ season ticket holder to apologize personally. That had to be like, what, 19 phone calls?
Chicago. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But it was certainly rebuilt faster than the Cubs.
Los Angeles. Money can’t buy happiness. Money can buy pennants. Therefore, pennants are not happiness. Sorry, Dodger fans. Chin up! Don’t get too upset over this first place finish.
Arizona. Newly acquired slugger Mark Trumbo fills a big hole in the Diamondbacks lineup. Unfortunately, he does it with that big hole in his swing.
San Francisco. Given their past connections to players like Barry Bonds and Melky Cabrera, Giants brass has decided to use caution when considering players with past connections to PED usage. Given the cheap one year deal signed by Mike Morse, apparently their integrity does have a price.
San Diego. They stand about as much of a chance of making the post-season as the cast of “Finding Bigfoot” does of, well, finding Bigfoot. And is it just me, or is that title really inaccurate anyway? Shouldn’t it be called “Looking for Bigfoot”? Or better yet “This is What Happens When You let Morons Run Around in The Forest At Night With Infrared Cameras”?
Colorado. LaTroy Hawkins was already named closer for Opening Day. I can’t write anything funnier than that.
Awards (Sox players ineligible, as always. Sorry, Xander.)
AL Champion: Texas (once they get their pitching staff back)
NL Champion: St. Louis
WS Champion: St. Louis, and hopefully is just as exciting a fashion as last time.
AL MVP: Mike Trout
NL MVP: Paul Goldschmidt
AL Cy Young: David Price
NL Cy Young: Madison Bumgarner
AL ROY: Jose Dariel Abreu and George Springer
NL ROY: Oscar Taveras