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A Commoner's Birth Announcement

Posted by Kara Baskin  July 22, 2013 03:00 PM

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The big day is here: The royal baby has finally arrived. I just read the full press release announcing the birth. If only we civilians could use a similar line of formal announcements for our friends and family, answering the inevitable questions with elegance and grace!

Here's the palace's version:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 4.24pm.

The baby weighs 8lbs 6oz.

The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.

The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news.

Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight.

Notes to editors

1. The medical staff present were Mr Marcus Setchell, Surgeon-Gynaecologist, Mr Guy Thorpe-Beeston, Obstetrician and Dr Sunit Godambe, Consultant Neonatologist at St. Mary’s Hospital.

2. The names of the baby will be announced in due course

3. The baby is third in the line of succession after His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales and His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge. He is styled His Royal Highness Prince [name] of Cambridge.

4. A formal notice of the birth will be posted on the forecourt of Buckingham Palace.

But what about the rest of us?:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of [Your Town Here!] was safely delivered of a son/daughter at an ungodly hour, sometime after David Letterman and before dawn.

The baby weighs just enough to be constantly hungry.

The Duke of [Your Town Here! Your Spouse Here!] gamely donned hospital scrubs and nearly fainted for the birth. He is recovering quietly.

Members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news. They have been instructed to arrive at the hospital with previously forbidden foods, alcohol, and copies of trashy magazines.

Her Royal Highness [Your Name Here!] and her child are both doing well and will remain in the hospital as long as possible, because the promise of bed rest, painkillers, and a round-the-clock nursery just down the hall is hard to give up.

Notes to curious family and friends
1. The medical staff present declared this to be the most beautiful baby ever seen, not to mention remarkably intelligent.

2. The name of the baby will be announced on Facebook and via text. Keep your thoughts to yourself. “What a cute name!” is the only response required.

3. The baby is first in the line of succession before all other priorities, such as socializing and household chores. This will change as soon as possible.

4. A formal notice of the birth will be mailed once the parents receive a full night’s sleep or before the child’s first birthday, whichever arrives first.

This blog is not written or edited by Boston.com or the Boston Globe.
The author is solely responsible for the content.

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About the author

Kara Baskin (@kcbaskin) is a Boston-based writer, editor, and mom to Andy. She thinks Sriracha and garlic make everything tastier. She loves Steely Dan and "Murder, She Wrote." Her More »

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