Dear Barbara,
My husband's parents are very difficult and domineering people. When our first child was born 3 years ago, they took issue with some of our decisions. We had some angry words with them and they decided to cut us out of their lives. There has been almost no contact from them in the last 3 years. We have tried many times to reconcile with them but they refuse every time and have shown no interest in our children. Unfortunately, I doubt that this situation will ever improve.

From: Perplexed Mom, Chelmsford, MA

Hi Barbara,
I've had an issue come up recently and I am hoping you can help. My three year old refuses to apologize. In most situations, whatever happened was accidental (stepping on a playmate's foot or splashing water at the water table and getting it in someone's eyes) but instead of apologizing, she puts her head down and cries.

My grand daughter lives in Hawaii, they have very liberal discipline attitudes there, I think. She is 12, mouthy, obnoxious, lazy, entitled, and not very pleasant to be around most of the time. Apparently her parents and their friends don't notice this and encourage freedom of loud screaming and disrespectful speech, behavior. She is coming home to visit for two months at my home in Pa. I want to tell her that I will not tolerate any screaming or bad attitudes in our house. Her Pappy runs a business and needs to have a quiet, relaxing place to come home to after work. Can I be firm with her and tell her how I expect her to act in our home, and expect her to behave in a manner that that is respectful?

Hello!
I am the mom of two, boy and girl, fourth and second graders. Can you give me some advice? Every year, there is a week or two (this year,almost two) after school ends and before day camps kick in and I take some time off to keep the kids occupied. I always think, This will be fun! But I always end up hating it! I hate to say that! But it's true! They don't want to do any of the things I suggest (go to the lake! Go to the library! Visit an amusement park!), they just want to sit in front of the tv or some other screen and I end up being the mean mom and then they bicker and pick fights with each other about every little thing and it's awful. I never hear anyone else complain about this particular problem! Is it me?!

From: LTMc, NY state

My 13-month- old will hit/try to climb on her 1-month old sister, I keep pulling them apart.... if I have both of them in my arms or the younger one in arm, my oldest is loving to her but as soon as I sit the youngest down, the oldest goes from a loving big sis to a mean sister... I keep telling the older one, "no, that hurts," but I don't now what else I can do. I even put my oldest in her bouncer to try and give them theire own time and I even give them one on one .... but nothing seams to help.... PLZ HELP and on top of it all, my 1month old has a cold, so we're barely getting any sleep :(

From: Kewlgrl, Boardman (Oh? Pa? OK? Wisc? reader doesn't specify)

[Ed's note: This letter has been condensed. ]
Hello,

I was hoping to get your advice as I am tormented by what to do for our our 5 year old kindergarten daughter and so worried we will hurt her chances for success if we do the wrong thing here.

In essence, her birthday is the end September, and here in California, they are moving back the "must turn 6 by" date here to be Sept 1st. That however, is not in effect for 2 more years. Our daughter, was in Montessori preschool for the past 3 years part-time. She is very outgoing and a natural leader. That said, we thought she seemed ready for kindergarten, though I kept feeling we were rushing her...but we sent her because academically she seemed on par. ...Though outgoing and a good leader, she did have bouts of being unfocused, and difficulty controlling her impulses etc. In Preschool, she was often put in timeout due to being disruptive, and bothering other children when she had to sit still for a long time. In retrospect we are not sure the Montessori preschool was the best fit for her, as we saw her self esteem slip seemingly from these time outs.

Our daughter has continued to get this same feedback in kindergarten. Her other kindergarten /Montessori graduates are all 6- 10 months older than and reading 2 book levels ahead of her, doing advanced sentence writing and math. She is the second youngest child in her kindergarten class and in this class, she is middle of the pack. So far she is meeting the standard for kindergarten except in social/emotional areas, says her rather strict teacher. She is just now really reading 3 letter books, has advanced fine motor skills, and seems to be more able to focus doing art, music dance vs reading.

To cut to the chase - I wish we had not started her, and given her more of a chance to mature AND meet the standards. I'm concerned that if we do get the school to allow us to have her repeat kindergarten or perhaps go into the K/1st split class, that the children will make fun of her and her self esteem will be hurt. I fear that is happening now as well, however, because she sees the other children not getting in as much trouble as she is. I am worried about her self esteem long term from making this decision incorrectly.

The only other information I can give you is that over these last few months of Kindergarten, we did put her in an after-school program at the Montessori preschool...He allowed her to be "off focus" and learn at her own rhythm. It made a huge difference in her demeanor, her self- esteem seems improved at least while there and she seems challenged appropriately and supported. I know much of the "kindergarten work" is very easy for her and yet as I have outlined here, she still has room to grow. I just am not sure what to advocate for her at this point.

Do we have her repeat kindergarten, do we try to get her into the K/1 class, or do we let her go on to 1st grade with continued tutoring through Montessori?

I appreciate your help.
From: Elsa, Northern California

Hi Barbara,
I have a 4 year old daughter who is fairly smart, doesn't miss a trick and observant. I'm not sure how to talk to her about the following situation when she eventually brings it up: My mother left when I was a young girl -- no mental issues, nothing illegal, no real reason that she could ever explain. I was in brief contact with her about 20 years ago but that was it. As of now, there are no plans to ever contact her again. I know at some point, my daughter will ask about her. I'm not really sure how to explain to her that my mother just walked out. She is still alive and lives in another state. I don't want her to ever think that I could walk out on her.

My 5 1/2-year-old daughter has a very difficult time being left at her daycare/preschool each morning. She has been in this facility since she's been 10 weeks old and is familiar and comfortable with all of the teachers and students/kids. I keep her routine very consistent and reassure her that I'll be back for her at the end of the day. I don't linger, and I stay positive. However, she continues to cry, cling to me, and throw a tantrum every day. She will be starting kindergarten in the fall at the local elementary school, and I'm worried that she'll have an even harder time adjusting. Is there anything I can do to make this easier?

So I have a. 2 yr old daughter who is very attached to me. Being that we live on a small island and don't have family there, it's me and my husband that she sees day in and day out , she is more attached to me then daddy because I am a stay-at-home mom. Well, we are on vacation visiting some family, and I had a family emergency come up in another town that I have go tend to, so I will be leaving my daughter with my husband for a few days while I tend to the family matter. I am really nervous of how she is going to cope with being in a unfamiliar place and just with daddy and not mommy. Is there anything I can do to help prepare her or make things easier?

Hi Barbara,

Hi Barbara.

My 2 year old grandson DOB 4/18/11 is an only child, no others on the way. He pinches people; his parents, and other adults. He gets a certain look of mischief (a little scary) before he pinches. His parents have tried ignoring it not reacting when he does it didn't work, giving him time out didn't work, have tried talking to him as to why and how it hurts when he does it nothing seems to help. Need help, he can also be such a love gentle and sweet. HELP!

How do you explain surrogacy to small children? Due to cancer, my cousin can no longer carry a baby. I would love to be able to do this for her, but I don’t know how to explain it to my children. My daughter is 3.5 and the last time I was pregnant, she got a baby brother (who is now 8 mths). How do I explain that this time we are not keeping the baby? Thanks!

Dear Barbara,

Barbara,

Dear Barbara,
I hope you can answer this quickly!!
In the wake of the Marathon bombings, our 9 year-old son has told us that he "absolutely will not go" to Red Sox games. We always go to at least one afternoon game with my dad and my wife's dad and my two other children, one younger, one older, all sons, it's a boys' day out. The middle boy, I'll cal him T, announced this at dinner, in front of his sibs on Wed night. There was an immediate hush at the table. My wife and I were both stricken, I have to admit. (The conversation, btw, had not been about the Marathon or about the Red Sox. He said this out of the blue.) The first one to speak was the oldest (13) who said, "No way am I letting these jerks stop me from having fun." Pause. "Right, dad?" The youngest (7) typically takes his cues from his oldest brother and said, "Yeah!" But they all looked at me.
Honestly, my wife and I had already been thinking about this. Even though we know, intellectually we can't let fear rule our lives, who can say what's right for any given family? Our job is to protect our children!
The conversation shifted, the meal went on, but my wife and I know this will come up again. T is a quiet boy, he's cautious, not fearful, but tenacious and more serious.
Please, I'd like your thoughts. BTW, both grandfathers have already said, over the phone so not in front of the boys, life goes on, don't even think about us not going to our game. Hmm. Now that I type that, maybe they are projecting my reaction? Maybe I've projected that onto T?
What to do?!
From: Peter, west of Boston.

Hi.
My daughter is in third grade and has been having friendship issues. She goes to a private school where the classes are small and the girls are together for 12 years. My daughter has had one friend that she spends most of her time with at school. The friend has started to bully her by ignoring her, hissing at her when she approaches, and saying they were never friends. They have been friends and inseparable for 3 years.

[This letter has been condensed. BFM]
My wife and I find ourselves in a dilemma with her daughter’s dad. He would like to take his daughter across the country – by driving – for a vacation from North Carolina to Seattle. The purpose of the vacation would be to visit his parents who recently moved from our area to Seattle. He would also like to stop on the way in Las Vegas area for a visit with his wife’s family. This would be approximately a 2-week trip. My wife’s daughter will turn 6 when the trip occurs.

[This letter has been condensed and edited. BFM]
My husband has PTSD and ADHD we have a 2 year old little girl. I'm struggling with whether or not it's time to leave. [I keep hearing] "he has PTSD -- don't give up on him he will get better" but my life is hell and I'm afraid it will ruin my daughter's life as well by staying with him. Here is a typical day with him: first he is addicted to a video game called eve, he is on it constantly. If you tell him he is on too much, he makes excuses, he will also argue or complain if you ask him to do anything..... He is also VERY verbally abusive calling me names like ..., idiot, stupid ... etc. When it comes to driving, he thinks he belongs in NASCAR speeds all the time and has terrible road rage. This is constant. I get frustrated, we fight and I'm just so distraught because all of this behavior is in front of my daughter. If I ask him to stop or say something like don't call me names, he says na na boo boo, and patronizes me.

Barbara,
Our five year old son has always been very laid back and calm. Lately he has been acting out more with, "I can't hear you," and turning his head. He often just won't listen or comply and pushes back about the silliest things. It's usually just with us the parents, but lately have heard a few comments from the preschool as they have never had this behavior with him. No, there is nothing new, no changes, nothing different that would indicate a change. Is this normal growing pains for his age? Is there something, or some strategies, that work best here?
Thanks,
From: Lucy, Foxboro, MA

My 5- year- old son recently came home from school with a note saying he pushed another student in the stomach, when I asked him about it he completely lied to me. I had to get the real story from his teacher. The next day he came home with something that looked like red marks and dot around his neck and shoulders. He said some story about a chair causing it, then he told my family that my fiancé did it.... I know this cannot be true, I see how they interact and how this upsets my fiancé.

Hi Barbara. I love your level headed approach to your parenting advice. I wonder what you can tell me about this: my first grade daughter just doesn't seem comfortable trying her best. Her teacher says she puts in a very focused effort in school, and she learns a lot and does very well, so I can only assume this is true. However, at home, everything seems to be just a rush. To finish her homework quickly, without paying much attention. It isn't really a school issue, so I really don't worry much about this. But, then there are the activities. She has a dance recital coming up and she loves dance, has for years, but she is always the one watching the other girls to see what they are doing. I have to actually tell her to look at practices like a recital in order to see her really try. (this is only very recent, trust me I don't harp on these things). Similar in gymnastics. She loves it, but it's expensive. She's also nervous about a lot of it. Her coach says she can do everything with a spot, but always nervous on her own. It reminds me of me learning to ride a bike and insisting someone had to hold the bike. I don't know if this is a fear thing or a control issue or just about putting in any effort. I tell her she doesn't have to be the best, but she should try her best. I don't want to give up on these things she loves, but it seems like a waste sometimes to pay money to let her just run around and be silly. Is it just me?

Thanks!!
From: Confused Mama, NorthShore, MA

My 8 year old grandson will not speak to me. In fact, he seems mortified if I even approach him to speak. He is like this with all the grown-up members of our family and other adult friends of his parents. He can talk perfectly well with siblings and other children, also his parents, but simply will not say one word to the rest of us. This is becoming socially uncomfortable for all concerned and I'm afraid my son and his wife do not take likely to my continual demands for them to seek help for him. They have had the school psychiatrist to speak to them and he said there is absolutely nothing wrong with the child. I'm sure this is the case, but he chooses not to speak to us and this cannot go on for obvious reasons. Funnily enough, when he was a toddler he did communicate but has simply ceased to do so over the last 5 or 6 years. How can I persuade my son to seek help to sort this problem?

[This letter has been condensed. BFM]
Hi Barbara, my son Alex is 6 1/2 and will turn 7 in June 22... He has an IEP [Individual Educational Plan] for speech, sensory integration and developmental delay. He was recently diagnosed as having ADHD. He is now fully potty trained and has been since May 2012. He is extremely tiny for his age (both weight and height are in the 1% for his age) and not only appears much younger than his peers but is also perceived as a 5 year old by most adults and peers...Also, Alex tends to gravitate to children younger than him. Along with being developmentally delayed, Alex is chronologically and extremely academically behind.

My daughter is 3 years 4 months, bright, articulate, wonderful in every way. She has been potty trained since 20 months and does not have accidents. (She is a heavy sleeper though and wears a pullup at night which is wet every morning. Naps are underwear and dry.) But, she has never, not even once, pooped in the potty. She asks for a diaper when she has to go and goes to her "window spot" to do it. Then I clean her up and she is back in underwear.