Hello Barbara,
My 12-year-old daughter, in 7th grade, just mentioned to me and my husband that she showers with her friends when they have a sleepover. We could not conceal our surprise at this, and both my husband and I are uncomfortable with it. I asked her why and she said they "just do." I asked if there was any touching or comparing going on and she exclaimed "No Mom! We're not lesbians." I was eavesdropping as she and her friend were in the shower, and I could hear their conversation, and it does seem that it's innocent according to what I could hear. She sees nothing wrong with it, and she's done this with other friends at other sleepovers. Is this normal? All seems fine otherwise. Thanks very much!

From: NHMom, Nashua

A 10-year-old Arkansas boy is refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance at school until our country does a better job of living up to its ideals.

"I looked at the end and it said 'with liberty and justice for all.' And there really isn't liberty and justice for all," Will Phillips told CNN recently. "Gays and lesbians can't marry. There's still a lot of racism and sexism in the world."

You know what? I think he's got a great point.

Barbara, My 3 1/2 year old son is afraid of Santa - so much so that he doesn't want Santa to come to our house even if it means foregoing presents. I asked if he wanted Santa to leave the presents outside, with a neighbor or with my parents who live an hour away and he said no. He was so upset about the idea of Santa coming to our house that I had to pretend to email Santa to tell him not to come. Whenever Christmas or presents or even the holidays in general are mentioned, he tells me that Santa is not coming to our house (pretty much every day). He has books about Santa that he likes and likes to hear stories about Santa but there's no way I can convince him to let Santa come even if I tell him that Santa can get him much better presents that his father and I can. I offered to let him sleep with us on Christmas Eve but that didn't work. I really want my son to have the Santa Christmas experience. Is there anything I can do? Thanks for your help.

When social scientist Marion Kilson's children were born, in the 1960s, she assumed that they would identify as African American, like their father, not European American like herself. "I was still in graduate school," she remembers. "I wrote my term paper on slave revolts. I assumed my children would be identified as African American, and I wanted them to know that not all African Americans had been gospel about their slave status."

Her friend and fellow social scientist Florence Ladd, on the other hand, says that she didn't have expectations about her child's race in his early years; it was her stepson, who is white, who "made me think about his future and racial identification in infancy."

In their book, Is That Your Child? Mothers Talk About Rearing Biracial Children, Kilson and Ladd discuss the challenges facing parents in a multicultural world; the two will be hosting a discussion about the race and identity tomorrow (Nov. 19) at The Advent School in Boston. The event (at 8:30 a.m. in the school's Earth Lab), is open to the public.

A new survey by the American Psychological Association says that teenagers are more stressed out than ever before. But their parents, for the most part, haven't noticed.

Hey, Yes I'm 16 and I'm 8 months pregnant. What does a baby really need?
From: Latrice, Shreveport, LA

Barbara, Please help. When my daughter was 2 years old she told me she wanted to be a boy. Everyone told me she would grow out of this. She has always played with both boy and girl toys. Wears clothing both boy and girl. She is fascinated with batman and superman. She is now 5. She refuses to wear pink or anything girly. She says that is for girls and she is a boy. She is in kindergarten and tells the other kids she is a boy. Her father is absent. She has a few positive male role models in her life. My father and 2 brothers. When she plays with my niece she is so rough and aggressive and truly has characteristics that resemble the behavior of a little boy. She told me over the course of 6 weeks about a little girl who is in the 2nd grade and is in her after school program. Now... she tells me she "like likes her." The other little girl draws her pictures gives her things and my daughter always tells me she is beautiful etc. I am teaching my child socially this is this and that is that "but if that's how you feel, I love you no matter what." My question is ..... For the best interest of my daughter's psychological well-being, how do I handle this gender issue, of her wanting to be a boy, when she is a girl and only 5 years old?

The embers of the Stay-at-Home vs. Work-out-of-the-Home Mommy Wars must have grown cold there for a moment; good thing this study came along to fan the flames. According to a recent BBC News story, young kids whose mothers work are less likely to lead healthy lives than those with stay-at-home moms.

Hi Barbara,
My six-and-a-half-year-old daughter is very slow in eating and writing. Only if I shout at the top of my voice she listens to me. First I tell her very soft and nicely, then I lose my temper and shout - only then she does her work. For example, her homework, changes her uniform, wash hands when you come home. One more habit which has been there from 2 years of age, she holds and twists her hair and now she is losing hair, too. She does this while drinking milk, while watching TV, while writing, sleeping etc. Please help.

From: Ginny, Bangalore

Hi Barbara,

From: Michelle, New York

Question: In the past year, my 14-year-old daughter has begun a nasty and disgusting habit -- she chews her fingernails off and the skin around them. Outside of school (and other similarly public venues), she nearly always has a hand in her mouth, and in her trail, she leaves bits of skin and nail all over the house. It is particularly evident on the dark couch after she's been watching TV for awhile. Her nails are a mess -- red and chewed up, plus I'm concerned about the germs going in, particularly with the swine flu treat for her age group. I've suggested she sit on her hands, wear gloves, etc., but she's not interested in stopping. How can I get her to drop this awful habit?

Barbara, we want to know if it's wrong to give kids everything they want and how to have fun with them better ways.
From: Jimmy W, Knoxville, TN

That headline could easily include step parents, but I ran out of room. The gist of the question remains the same: Should your significant other, who is not your child's parent, be allowed or encouraged to discipline your child?

My son is 7 1/2 and is in second grade. His first month of school went very well, but then something changed. He dreads going to school now. I have contacted the teacher and the after-school program. There is no apparent reason for his unhappiness. He is doing well with the work, but gets easily frustrated. He has crumpled up papers and said they are too messy. Little things going wrong make him sit down and cry. Being told to put on his jacket to go outside can bring him to tears.

From: Worried Mom, N. Attleboro

Hi,

From: bigmommasea, Seattle

Barbara, my almost-6-year-old grandson plays by himself at recess. He had one boy he played with before break but since their return he plays by himself again. He is very intelligent but has a great imagination.

From, Janeen the Grandma, Lodi

Lynsee, a 23-year-old teacher in Minneapolis, is expecting her first child any day now. And she's decided to share the whole experience, from the first labor pain to that final awesome push, with the internet.

Hi Barbara,
I have a six-year-old girl who has a six-year-old male classmate in Kindergarten. Our daughter has told us the boy is her boyfriend and she wants to marry him and he has told his parents the same thing. They both want to get together for playdates (one on one) and I see nothing wrong with it but my wife (vehemently) disagrees. They appear to practice safe social skill for their age (no kissing, etc) and like playing together. Your thoughts?

From: Chris S, Edgewater, MD

Tomorrow is Halloween, and this morning I dropped an adorably ferocious dinosaur and a sparklingly happy winged fairy off at preschool. They have been looking forward to their class parties all week, proudly making decorations and planning games and treats (a pinata shaped like a ghost! Slightly spooky stories at circle time! Haunted apples!).

The month-long march toward trick-or-treating with ghosts and ghouls (and princesses, and superheroes, and animals, and celebrities, and licensed characters like Harry Potter or Dora the Explorer) is considered pretty normal, by most people. Apple-picking and pumpkin carving are traditional celebrations of fall, and Halloween is a time for dressing up and having fun.
But there are many parents who consider Halloween to be a quasi-religious holiday -- and they don't want it celebrated in schools.

My question: I have one son who just turned 7. He's started first grade and this is the first year where he actually has homework. It's just one paper - usually math problems. My issue is this, when we get home I ask him to do his homework. Within 10 minutes I have to repeat myself and then get hit with a barrage of: "I don't want to." "It's boring." "We already did this all day in school!" I thought maybe it was because he was having trouble but when I finally get him to do the work he gets them all right. So, I guess my question is how do I address this behavior towards homework? After working all day I don't feel like spending the first 1/2 hour with my son yelling at him about it nor do I look forward to spending the next several years of his academic life arguing about homework. Any suggestions?

From: Frustrated mom, Weymouth

Question: Is my seven-month-old son weaning himself or on a nursing strike? He's just gotten his top two teeth in and combined with a stuffy/runny nose, is biting but not willing to nurse. Though he is teething a bit and likes to chew on things, he never seems really bothered or in pain. I pump at work to keep my supply up as high as possible but he's supplemented with formula as its not enough and my supply is crashing into nothing as I can't get those night nursings in. Now every time I try to nurse, he BITES HARD and is more interested than cooing, smiling, and chewing on me than really feeding. He does this even when he's hungry and sleepy which used to be his favorite time to nurse, he will happily accept a bottle after these episodes and gets right down to eating. Everything I've read regarding this keeps telling me that its "extremely rare" for a baby this young to wean himself and that I should keep trying to get him back to nursing, it's really important, "breast is best" and so on, enough to make me feel really guilty. But the pain is incredible and after two bites on each side, I've had enough. I've tried saying no, using a nipple shield, nursing only when hungry, keeping a finger ready to get him off, pressing his face into me to get him to stop, not feeding for 30 minutes after a bite. So how long should I keep trying? It's been a week and I'm getting anxious about the pain of the biting every time I try to nurse and my supply is falling fast!

From: Sarah, Acton

Hello,

From: Blame me, Portsmouth

Question: My 11-year-old son is in the 7th grade, and we are now kicking ourselves that we didn't hold him back in Kindergarten. Although he's intelligent and happy, his performance in school is inconsistent - he'll do really well in some subjects but not others, or do well for a while and then suddenly do poorly. Eventually he gets Bs and B-pluses, which he's fine with, but we feel he could be doing much better. He has several very nice friends, but often prefers to be alone, is laid back, and loves to daydream. We try not to overschedule him with activities so he'll have enough down time. He does some sports for enjoyment and exercise, but is not very competitive. Is there a way to give him an extra year in Middle School? I'm really worried that come 9th grade, he'll not have the discipline to do well in our very rigorous High School.

From: Judy, Scarsdale, NY

I read the New York Times article last week about how, for some parents, shouting at kids has replaced spanking, and I immediately felt guilty.

I've been solo-parenting for the past week while my husband is with our oldest kids, out of state. I've noticed that I've been yelling much more than I usually do, and over things that usually don't frustrate me right away.

My about-to-turn 3-year-old is really pushing limits, trying to see how much he can get away with. After asking him to do something (or, more commonly, not to do something), my voice gets louder and sharper, and there I am, yelling instead of speaking calmly. I'm not saying anything awful, but I'm definitely angry -- and he can tell. It gets his attention, but it's having an effect I didn't notice right away: My sweet-tempered 5-year-old has picked up on my frustration, and when he gets in her way now, she yells at him.

And I cringe.

Dear madam Barbara,

My son is 6 years old and he is bit lazy. He always depends on me for his daily routine. He is fussy in eating and gets angry for a silly reason. He always sleeps late at night and wake late in the morning. He goes to school and takes lot of time to learn his subjects. Sometime he lies and if I show care and love he responds to me. His father is so caring, loving, and he listens to him. Due to my son's nature, sometimes I feel a bit upset. Please suggest an answer to overcome this. Thank you very much madam Barbara.

From: MADHUMATHI NP, UDUPI, INDIA