It's important to distinguish the difference between styles and philosophies. My wife and I have different approaches, but we get the same results and set the same expectations.

Excuse me, but what is Barbara's advice? I could not find any in the entry above...

I hate to say this (and it is really hard to admit) but I am living the consequences of exactly this situation. I was always forced into the position of the stricter parent and this has led to a few not-so-pleasant results. My children view me as the "bad guy" while Dad is the one who is all about fun. I am resentful of my role. I have a teenager who bucks every single limit that is set upon them and makes it a very personal struggle with just me! So much easier if this had been settled earlier!
If I had one piece of advice for you - set your limits NOW and back each other up!! Any disagreements between you can be settled later - out of earshot of your child!

It would be good to learn that parenting is about more than limit setting!

sometimes I think kids are better off with one parent

But parenting is mostly about limit setting! Kids by nature are pushing the limits and for most parents, most of the time, parenting is limit setting. Parenting is also about expanding horizons, teaching and learning, strengthening and empowering - but an important part of even those things is setting limits. If you can't live with that grim reality of parenting, don't have children - for their sake and for the sake of all of us who have to live with children/adults who have no limits.

Parents who are unwilling to set limits firmly have NO idea what a little Monster they are creating. That includes both parents.

1-3 hours of a little Johnny meltdown down is nothing compared to a lifetime of problems because your child never learned what NO means. Every kids needs to have a meltdown, they POP and then they recover just fine with an understanding that they can NOT do whatever they want. It's worth it trust me, and guaranteed they're meltdown will eventually POP and be they'll be OK. It's up to the parents to have the will power to make it through the meltdown with out giving in.

there has to be central authority on parents, one has to have full control, husband should lead hisfamily to good morales and discipline

there has to be central authority on parents, one has to have full control, husband should lead hisfamily to good morales and discipline

It can also be that one parent chooses to always be the bad guy, regardless of need, in case after case after case. Not flying off the handle at every little thing does not make one a softie.

Are you willing to change and lighten up a little? Why is it that the husband is a "softie" instead of you being too much of a strict hard a$$?

The "softie Dad" may come to regret his attitude at some later point. If Mom is absent or sick for some reason one day (or series of days), and Dad is trying to keep control over a situation that is spiraling out of control, and no one is listening to his admonitions..... won't he wish he had learned how to make the children respect his word earlier on?

TELL ME ABOUT IT...my wife believes that they should be told what the punishment is before hand. I strongly disagree, as I believe that gives them the option to choose if it is worth it. So now the 20, soon to be 21 is still being suckled and it drives me up the wall, and the soon to be 18 yr old thinks she has no one to answer to and what she says goes.
But, as my wife reminds all to often, these are not my kids (stepchildren). I simply reply, but this is also my house.
Thank you for valium.

I agree with Barbara that consistency is the most important. Even if you disagree with your husband, you can not be seen overriding him in front of your kids. Nor can he be seen overriding you. If you say no, he can not then say yes. And if he says yes, you can not then say no. Discuss together where the limits should be, but not in front of your kids.

Yea, I'm married to one of those too -- a man who sticks his head in the sand and ignores all misbehavior by our child, no matter how outrageous it is. I finally came to the conclusion that dead daddy is probably high, or brain-dead, to be so stupid. So I dragged Daddy to couples counseling, just so I could try to shock him into "parenting". It was useless. Daddy never changed. I just sat there and complained for nothing, one hour a week! So I quit work, and stayed home full-time so head-in--the-sand Daddy could not let our child run wild and misbehave to the point where his personality is ruined. It worked pretty well -- my son is very well behaved around everyone EXCEPT his father (but hey, his dad deserved that, right?). But if my son turns into an out-of-control teenager (thanks to his father) I am moving out, and leaving them both to their own devices.