How about no religion? Who cares what the grandparents think. I was brought up with no religion whatsoever (I'm 42 now) and my Polish-Catholic grandmother was always disappointed, but hey, she still loved us.

Absolutely an option, Aviatrix! Thanks for pointing that out. -- LMA

I believe this is why they say you need to talk about stuff like that before you get married and before you have the baby. Had they made a decision beforehand they would not have this problem. Also the decision on what religion the child should follow should be decided by the parents. grandparents should have no say in this whatsoever.

My husband is Irish Catholic, and his family attends church regularly. I was brought up Protestant, but mostly I am considered "unchurched" as I stopped going after Sunday school at 5 years old. I had two wedding cermonies, as his family was pretty adamant that we get married in a church - I opted for a small Catholic ceremony in the church, and a grand affair outside the next day. We recently had a baby and he was baptized catholic and I think that any faith is good faith at this point in our children's lives. I support my husband who goes to church every Sunday and am happy that my son will have some religious upbringing. I always feel awkward when the family attends church - I feel that I don't belong and I don't want my children to feel that way. However, I do not exactly agree with all that the Catholic church has to say, and hope that as our children grow up, they will learn other religions as well. But I agree, since one parent has religious view, then that should reign for now.

My husband is Jewish and I am Protestant, although neither of us really practice (except at Easter/Christmas/Passover). We have 2 kids, both of whom were baptized and both of which will have a bar/bat mitvah, if that's what my husband wants. We discussed it before we got married and agreed that we wanted our children to be educated in BOTH of our religions. We don't feel like we need to choose one or the other, and both of our religious communities are reformed enough to accept this position. Once our children reach an age when they can decide for themselves,, then they can choose whatever religion (or none) that they want to practice. In the meantime, we feel it is our responsibility to educate them about our religions and also to teach them tolerance and acceptance of all religions.

I think most parents will find that there isn't necessarily "one" answer and that in some households, religious practices will evolve. In our house, our two kids are being raised Catholic, (although my husband is Episcopalian) simply because I was the more "religious" one when we got married. It's working so far. But my kids will ultimately decide, as they approach adulthood, what they want to do. I have friends - she converted to his religion when they got married, only to find now that they are all comfortable at her church. As with all things personal, families need to find what works best for them.

I think children should be exposed to many different faiths, rather than raising them strictly within the framework of a particular religion's teachings. They must be taught to think for themselves; I'd rather my children choose another religion or no religion at all than choose my religion solely because that's all they ever knew. I am blessed to be part of a church that thoughtfully teaches its youth about many of the world's religions and let's them be the captains of their own faith journeys.

If a couple can't agree on this very basic issue, they shouldn't be having children. Period.

I am Catholic and my husband is Jewish, and this is the kind of thing it's best to discuss well before the marriage and kids come along. I was actively practiciing my faith while we were dating (and still do) and am involved in my parish, so for me, raising our children as Catholics was a deal breaker for me. My husband is not at all observant so he was OK with that, and I give him a lot of credit for going along with my wishes. That said, our children are, IMO, half Jewish and they identify as such, at least from an ethnic/heritage standpoint. We celebrate all of the Christian and Jewish holidays, and if my husband ever joins a temple and attends services, the kids and I would go with him. He does not join us at Mass but is always welcome and has participated in the childrens' baptisms and first communions. My step-daughter's mother was raised loosely as a Catholic and baptised my SD but didn't go to church, so after we got married, my step-daughter enrolled in religious education at my chuch (along with my oldest son) and has received the appropriate sacraments, etc. She is at our house one weekends so it works out well. My husband is sometimes dumbfounded that he is the father of four Catholic kids.

With all that said, the kids are free to choose whatever religion they want, or none at all, as adults. I felt that as a parent, it was and is my job to pass along to them what I see as the gift of faith and if they accept that gift as-is, great. If it doesn't feel right to them, they can do whatever they wish (or not) later. What I didn't want was for them to grow up and miss out on the beliefs, rituals, and traditions of the two very rich religious backgrounds that are in our family. I think that with interfaith families becoming more common, it's not at all weird for them to be raised in one faith but participate in and celebrate the rituals and holidays of another as well. We are one of many families I know that celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, Easter and Passover, etc. and I think it's great that our kids get exposed to so much.

The grandparents need to step back and let the parents, parent. In my family a set of grandparents had their grandchild baptized without the parents permission and knowledge. Needless to say once the parents did find out they were outraged as it was their choice not to baptize their child.

We're choosing to raise our daughter atheist.

This is a 2nd marriage for me and my husband. He was protestant (he had left the catholic church as a young man) & I'm catholic. Between us we have 8 grown children, 6 mine, 2 his. Our divorces were a blow to both of us and we both went thru a rough time & fell away from our faiths for a time. When we got married we decided to get back into our respective churches & take turns going to each others church. Neither tried to convert the other. I would watch the catholic tv station off & on and eventually my husband started watching too. On his own he decided to come back to the church when he found out what it really teaches and not what he thought it taught. We have since obtained annulments from our previous marriages and gotten married in the catholic church and our marriage is 100 times stronger. We are both very happy and now all of our kids are following us back into the church too. when they saw us practicing our faith & they felt the strong bond between us they wanted what we have. Praise God :)

I agree with poster #5 that as with all things personal, families really need to decide what works best for them. Personally, I feel that the "let the child decide when he or she is an adult" is a total cop out unless there is some sort of faith modeling or education during the formative years. It is the rare human who is raised without any type of faith modeling or education who will be able to articulate a lack thereof as the "something missing" in adult life.

My husband and I are fortunate not to have this debate in our home, as we were both raised Roman Catholic and attended Catholic schools for all of our lives. I even attended a Jesuit university. When we both think back and reflect on our education, a point we continuously come to agree on is that in a Catholic high school, you are typically exposed to world faiths, marriage and family concepts, and social justice in the junior and senior year...a time in adolescent development when most students are still spongy enough to realize that there truly is a world outside of their cocoon.

If our children decide to explore other faiths outside the classroom when they reach that stage, I think we'll be okay with it, because educated decisions are almost always good ones, even if they do not mirror our own.

My family represents every major religious group. My husband comes from a Muslim country (although he is not religious), I am Buddhist, my brother-in-law is Jewish and we have a host of Catholic and Protestant relatives. My kids go to Catholic school to boot (I like the quality education). My 9 year old gets straight "A's" in religion at school. She studies it the same way she studies math and science. My kids are open and accepting of all religions. As parents we emphasize humanism and the connectedness of all people no matter what their faith. All religions at the core emphasize respect and love for fellow humans. In terms of grandparent, they should butt out. It's not their role to preach religious doctrines.

I was raised Catholic but have been atheist/humanist for all of my adult life. My wife is Jewish and is still Jewish. We attend a Unitarian church where we are both accepted. Our two kids attend the UU Sunday School and are encouraged to explore their spirituality (or lack of it) in any way that works for them. One is very religiously engaged as an atheist. The other is non-religious. We are all enriched by the multiple perspectives in our immediate and extended families. It hasn't been a difficult issue for us.

Robin (#12) I totally concur on the religion curriculum in Catholic high schools during junior and senior year. I am an alumna of NDA Hingham and in 11th grade we took world religions, which was wonderful and eye-opening. Senior year was reserved for discussing and debating controversial issues such as abortion and euthanasia as well as focusing on social justice and community service. We were taught that it is possibly to be both worldly and good. This type of material was not covered in the public HS that my siblings went to and they know very little about the religions of the world and what the common themes and differences are among them. I hope to create a post-Confirmation curriculum in my parish to cover this with students who are willing to further continue to explore their faith after "graduating" from formal religious education.

I think church is so important for a family and for kids. It gives you an extended family and support system. It gives you a chance to connect with other people and pray for them and have them pray for you. It helps put all of your issues into perspective.

In our family, I came from a very strong Christian background and my husband did not. We decided together that church is valuable and that we wanted our child raised in the church. My husband now attends more often because he wants to set that good example. As he has done that, he has found it very valuable as well.

I've read some of the posts above that talk about exposing your child to all faiths and letting them choose. I have two issues with this perspective. First of all, you try to share all of your other values with your child such as how you feel about money, sports, recycling, and how you treat others. Why would you ever not share your faith with your child? Secondly I think it is a misconception that religious people are blindly following their church teachings. At my church, we are not afraid to discuss and consider and debate. I don't believe in God just because I was raised that way. I believe in God because He's proved Himself real to me. It's a gift and one that I hope to pass on to my child.

I was raised in a completely non-religious household. There was never even any discussion of religion. I was never baptized or any of that stuff. My husband had some sort of Protestant upbringing, but hadn't been to church since he was a teenager. We had a civil marriage and have never taken our children (now teenagers) to a church. We have discussed religion with them and talked to them about different faiths since they were little. It would shock me if they ever became religious. I think you have to be indoctrinated from a very young age.

I was raised Catholic. My husband was not raised in a religious household. I stopped practicing religion as soon as I left for college. Religion is not important to me. We got married in a non-denomination civil ceremony. We have 2 children and do not practice religion with them. If they want to choose to follow a religion when they get older then fine. But I am not going to push them into one.

How are children expected as adults to choose a religion when they are not introduced to one when they are younger? Give them some sort of steppingstone?

If the topic of faith was brought up to me and my husband; when we were expecting a child, I would say: "That we will not be a hypocrites about attending church, when we personally don't believe on way or the other. If to support our child's well being, then we would consider the option of Sunday school teachings to encourage basic understanding of morals and the fundamentals of right and wrong." I never understood why people get so hyped up about the religious followings one way or another. To me it is all the same old song and dance, not matter what belief you follow. Just some forms are more involved that others.

One quick comment to Kim (#6): Of course parents should share their views on faith with their children. For me, however, the sharing stops before I tell them what to believe. I want them to live their lives and live their faith with eyes wide open.

In response to "It is the rare human who is raised without any type of faith modeling or education who will be able to articulate a lack thereof as the "something missing" in adult life": at 42 years old, I have never had religion, nor do I feel like something, presumably spiritual, is missing from my life. The added consideration about the parents in question is that neither is religious, so why get religious for the sake of pleasing the family. That would be hypocritical.

"It is the rare human who is raised without any type of faith modeling or education who will be able to articulate a lack thereof as the "something missing" in adult life. "

Perhaps that is because we do not feel there is anything "missing" in our lives.

"If to support our child's well being, then we would consider the option of Sunday school teachings to encourage basic understanding of morals and the fundamentals of right and wrong."

Morality and the fundamentals of right and wrong come from the society in which one is raised. It is perfectly possible to be moral without being religious, and practicing a religion does not automatically defiine an individual as moral.

As a person who was raised in traditional Judaism, I can honestly say that the only reason I value religion as a part of my life is because I've lived in it for so long. The idea of waiting until a child is old enough to decide on a religion for his/herself is silly because the child will probably end up seeing religion as some kind of new burden. My cousin is being raised without any religion now, and he's about the age where he should be having a Bar-Mitzvah, a common age for parents to let their children choose their own religious paths in life. Because he has no concept or value of religion, he doesn't understand why we would choose not to drive on Saturday, or won't feed him his favorite non-kosher food. I think children who are raised with at least some concept of religion and tradition have an understanding and respect for the way other people do things. Its not necessarily about believing in God or the meaning of ritual, but experiencing your own heritage, and learning respect for your own and other people's morals and beliefs, instead of thinking everyone religious is just a lunatic.

There's nothing silly about teaching your child to think for themselves and to not automatically take what anyone says (including a book) at face value. Independent, critical thinking and reasoning skills are the best gift you can give your child. To me, indoctrinating a child into a religion that says that your unbaptized friend is going to roast in hell forever because they don't believe what you believe is tantamount to psychological abuse. Granted, not all religions do that, but still, it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

I agree with Robin (#12) except the idea of "missing". I was raised in the episcopal church, my wife as a baptist. As is typical, we both left religion in our late teens, but returned after we had children. We felt that "letting our children decide for themselves" is a cop-out; The influences of our current society are stronger than one thinks. The pull of consumerism with its "Mall" temples, is very powerful.

We have fond memories of living in church communities based on caring and nurturing; of life in a community that believe there is something bigger than the self. Now in their teens and twenties, our kids do not attend church but we continue have discussions about faith, hope, love, and yes, even "god".

We've exposed them to a community of faith. Now they can "decide".

My brother, two sisters and I have a Jewish father and an post-Christian mother. My mother did not want to convert, but my father insisted we pretend to be Jewish anyway, go to the local Hebrew school, sit in the synagogue on Saturdays. It sucked. On the one hand, my father kept saying "You better pretend to be Jewish or else," and on the other hand all the real Jews (who knew that our mother wasn't Jewish) would say "You better not pretend to be Jewish or else." To this day, all four of us avoid anything remotely Jewish whenever we can. This kind of ticks off my father (who wants his grandchildren to pretend to be Jewish) but oh well.

To posters 22 & 23 - of course not all people experience periods in life of not feeling fulfilled. It truly takes all kinds to make the world go round, and many, many people have great lives without religion or God in them. Of course you do not have to be religious to live a moral or examined life.

I'm responding to the folks (and I know so, so many) who say that they feel their children should decide for themselves when they are older if they want some kind of religion in their lives. But if you've taught or modeled nothing, how would they ever know? Why would they ever look?

As a parent, I feel that I need to discuss religion with my children the same way I need to teach them about safety, race issues and respect, and their sexuality, among other giant topics today. Religion IS part of the world - hiding them from religion and God because you're a nonbeliever is the same as hiding them from gay rights issues because you're a heterosexual and it's not on your radar. It makes them ignorant. And then many parents expect to turn them over to the world as responsible, civic adults who need to participate in and contribute to the world with a whole cultural faction missing from their education and experience.

We have separation of Church and State in this country, so they can't learn about these topics in school. But world religions ARE a part of life and they are a huge contributor to turmoil and war in the world. There has to be a way for non-religious parents to teach their children about religion in a non hypocritical way so that they are educated enough to be respectful of the vast breadth of differences in belief out there. And, dareisay, possibly even be able to recognize why other people need and love their God, even if they themselves do not.

I was raised Catholic although I left the church some time ago...but recently returned. In fact, at age 34, I just received my Confirmation two weeks ago! My husband was raised Presbetyrian (sp??) but really dislikes the faith of his family. He attended mass with me a couple of times and decided that he wouldn't mind converting to Catholicism. I'm not pushing the issue though.

Meanwhile, our daughter was baptized Catholic and will be raised Catholic, whether or not he converts. I'm pushing him one way or the other. If he wants, he knows how to go about it and that I'll support him 100%. If he doesn't, I will also support that 100%.

To the person that said:
"We're choosing to raise our daughter atheist "

I think you should say 'you are raising your child normal'. We are all atheists at birth. We have to be taught to believe in the make-believe.

I was raised completely without religion and was never baptized. I think it's silly that people think that those who are raised without religion will never decide to be a part of a religion. When I was in high school, I went to a Methodist church for a while, and even went to a couple of different churches when I first went to college. This was all completely my decision. After 6 years of going to church, I decided--from an educated standpoint of having been raised without religion and then going to church--that I didn't believe in God. However, I have a degree in religion, and will seek an advanced degree in the area soon. My sister, as an adult, has chosen a religion that works for her and speaks of how she wants to live her life and raise her family.

My husband was raised Protestant, more or less, but as an adult has decided he doesn't believe in God either. This was his own decision before we were married. We had a humanist ceremony that I wrote and were married by a friend who is a lawyer. It was very meaningful to us to have someone who knew us marry us. If we ever had children, I would raise them the same way I was raised--my husband too because he is also unbaptized--because I know that they will be able to make an informed decision as adults as to what they believe in. Grandparents should have no say unless they are raising the children themselves.

I'm Atheist and my future spouse is Catholic. We both have strong contradicting beliefs that makes impossible for us to choose one single faith. The main point here is to understand each others faiths. Atheism is not considered faith by most people, but in my opinion it is, since God's existence cannot be scientifically proven to be true as well as to be false.
Raising our children will be a challenge. However, we both agree that our children should be able to make their own choice in faith. The problem is how old the children have to be until they can make this choice. As an atheist I believe that religion is good in the sense that it provides a great set of morals. In the end, I want our kids to have these morals whether they believe in God or not.

To #30, Mike -- great last sentence. I love what George Carlin had to say on religion (google it if you don't know).

My wife is agnostic, I was raised Catholic, but have been agnostic since I was a teenager.

Got married in a Catholic church (for my parents), got all our kids baptized (for my parents), and sending my kids to Sunday School. Why? Because they have questions and I want them to learn from others and come to their own conclusions.

Agree that morals have nothing to do with religion. You can have a sense of right and wrong even if you don't believe in God.

My wife and I will be raising our baby as an agnositc. I would like my child to make his own decision. As someone who was raised Catholic, I believe my parents did me an injustice by essentially forcing their religious views upon me. So, to assume that raising a child in a religion is the only way for them to be able to make a decision later in life is to me a falsehood. It presupposes that there is a higher power and the question becomes figuring out the right one. That is making an important decision for my child. I am of the belief that there likely isn't a higher power, and if it is, there is no religion that possibly has it right. My goal is to raise our child to ask questions and look for rational answers.

That being said, my wife and I will face a challenge with both of our families. We are both of the same (or similar) mind with respect to the religioun question, but both sets of parents are strong-minded Catholics. We are deflecting questions about Baptism, etc. now, but soon this will become a hot topic with them. On one hand, I want to respect my parents, but on the other, I don't want to sell out my child. It is a tough situation to be in.

To #7, it is all well and good to decide that this should all be decided before the couple gets married, but people evolve and marriages evolve. What my husband and I figured we would want when we got married over a decade ago is very different than what we feel we want now, and I am sure we will feel differently when we have actually have a child to raise. It is easy to think you know what you want, but harder when the rubber meets the road.

We are raising our kids without any religion in the picture. If they want to choose a faith later in life, it's up to them. My wife was pretty much raised in this manner and I was raised Catholic. I pretty much went to church because it was "expected", and went through the motions required of me. My parents approached religion from a point of "go to church to get it over with". Not the most inspiring background, and I had to be pushed and cajoled to get through to confirmation.

There are many, many other ways to get kids involved in community service, develop a support network, teach moral lessons and so on. Attending services would be very hypocritical for me. About the only thing that's vaguely appealing is Unitarian Universalist, which seems more like a social club than anything else.

I'm not sure it's good to let a child choose his/her own religion without giving them ANY sort of religious background or training. I wasn't raised with any particular religion but when I had my first child, I felt that I really needed to consider my personal faith because I didn't want to be a hypocrite - dropping my kids off to CCD while I stayed home or whatever. It's been a long journey, and I am now a Christian - thanks to my children. They, too, are being raised as Christians. I'm not necessarily saying all kids should be brought up as Christians, but I am saying having a family faith is yet another glue to hold the family unit together.

I have a personal relationship with Jesus but didn't until after my sons informative years. Thankfully my wife took care of my son spiritually through prayer and the Sacraments. The key for anyone is to prayerfully with patience and persistence and an open heart and mind ask God to show Himself to them and guide them. I have found that a childs community is huge in developing both their faith life and moral character. I believe esepcially those in the public school system need to have some sort of a community (Christian youth group)) where God is a major player.

#34, I totally agree. I find it very odd that we're expected to be "catholic" or be "jewish" just because we were born to parents who were practicing that religion at the time. I was raised catholic and a majority of my friends were as well. Many of them are also baptising their kids catholic now even though they haven't been to church in a over decade and disagree with many of the church's teachings. Why? Just because their parents did. That doesn't make sense to me. If you have great faith, then it makes sense to share that with your children but if it's just because of tradition and expectations, then that is hypocritical to me. Plus, you're exactly right in mentioning, what is the likelyhood that one particular religion has really gotten it right? Not very. WHy take a chance by putting your eggs all in one basket.

I find it odd that almost everyone commenting discusses religion as a cultural or social tradition and nothing more. Any given religion is about what is true, not what is valuable or good for your personal sense of morality. I teach my children that Jesus Christ came to save them not because I want them to be good, but because I want them to know the one true God. Certainly, no parent should pretend to believe in any religion more than they actually do for the sake of taking their child to church, etc.

To those of us who are not active in a faith or who are "non-believers", religion is really nothing more than a "cultural or social tradition". There are many who would use much more offensive words, but I do respect the right of people to believe what they want to -- if that's Christianty, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or nothing at all.

To #30 and 41... thanks for the humor and honesty. I completely agree. I was raised Catholic and have fought with my own beliefs for so many years with no definitive answers. So I let it go. My life has been less complicated and happier since. I am a good person with good morals and a strong sense of right and wrong, and I don't think that has anything to do with my religious upbringing. I'm the blacksheep of my family, but we've just learned not to discuss it anymore. I accept their church-going endeavors and they leave me alone about my non-church-going endeavors lol (well...for the most part). I used to think that it wasn't a big deal to think about religion before getting married and having kids because my naive hope was for religion to be a non-issue one day, like race. However, I know that is not the current reality. I'm single and other people's religious beliefs tend to be a deal breaker sometimes when dating and that is REALLY frustrating!

Religion is a beautiful thing that, in my opinion, can be a very important part of building a strong family unit.

My gf and are of different faiths, and we've recently both started going to my Catholic masses, and we love spending the time together in a spiritual setting, getting lunch together afterwards, and spending our whole Sunday together. Our relationship has become stronger as a result.

It works for us. It might work for others. I think people need to set aside their petty grievances with religion and think about the strong positive effect that spirituality can have on a family.

To really, #2: Sometimes you DO talk about it, but when the rubber hits the road, and reality intervenes (in our case the early death of a grandmother who would otherwise have served as a buffer between us and her religously practicing husband) promises can be forgotten, and people can go off script.

To Mike, #30 - who taught the first believer in "make-believe" what to believe? We wonder how we got here. Many people conclude there had to have been a Prime Mover.

It's amazing how many lapsed Catholics there are on here.

Religion does matter for eternity.
Acts 4:10-12 (New International Version)
10then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed. 11He is
" 'the stone you builders rejected,
which has become the capstone.[a]'[b] 12Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:10-12 NIV