Is it at all helpful to know that this is a normal, healthy, even desirable, stage of development?

OK, I didn't really think so.

Question: My 14-year-old son has decided that social activities and friends are more important than school. He has taken a nosedive in his grades for the last quarter and I am afraid he will continue this behavior next year ( grade 9).

From: Mariah, of Clinton

Hi Mariah:

When kids are at this stage (which, by the way, can start as early as 11 or 12), it often feels to parents as if their child really & truly hates them. Here's the good news: they don't hate you, they hate the idea of you.

Let me put it another way: the growning sense of self is fueling him to think and act in more grown-up ways and, yet, here are mom and dad, still treating him like a little kid. Your son is struggling with such questions as, "Who am I? What am I all about?" and all mom and dad care about is whether I did my homework?

What your young teen wants is to feel a sense of respect from his parents. It's not that he doesn't want your reactions or involvement; it's that he wants a voice in decisions that involve him. When you punish him or take away his rights (especially things like IM or anything that impedes him socially), all you are doing, in is eyes, is exercising control over him and proving, once again, that you have no idea what really matters to his life. It gives him one more reason to say, "They don't understand me." But here's what also may be going on at a more subconscious level: "Mom and dad think they know me better than me. They think I can't be in charge of myself. What if they are right? How am I ever going to grow up?"

Since this is the end of the school year, I wouldn't rock the boat too much now. But when school comes to an end, I would find a time when he's in a good mood (good luck!) and have a conversation in which you ask his thoughts on what you can all do differently next year so that you won't constantly be having battles. In this conversation:

1. Use "I' statements instead of "You" statements ("I have a real hard time when you don't do your school work," vs, "You've become so sloppy with your school work! You don't put in enough time."

2. Acknowledge how important friends and socializing is to him: "I know you want to maximize your time with your friends. I agree that friends are really important. I know my friends are important to me."

3. Acknowledge what didn't work this year: "Taking away priviledges and things like that -- these are things parents do with little kids. I know you're not a little kid anymore."

Then get to the heart of it: "We want you to meet your potential in school, and we think you are mature enough (don't gag on this) to be in charge of this yourself. We don't want to be playing homework cop all the time next year." If he agrees, ask him for what ideas he has about how that can happen. Suggest that he think about it and come up with a plan. Be clear that the plan has to include consequences.

For instance: You agree that he can be in charge of when and where and how he does his homework. You agree not to nag or interfere in any way. He agrees that at the end of each week he will show you a progress report, either returned papers or tests, or some other tangible sign of what he has accomplished that week. Agree to a set time and place each week for this interaction to occur. Also agree to some verifiable standards, and agree to consequences if either of you violates your end of the bargain. I also suggest you set all this down in writing, like a contract.

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