End of school year can be an unhappy time for some kids
Kids need permission to wallow in the past before they can move on.
Question: Hi Barbara - I have 2 school-aged children who absolutely love school. They have great friends and teachers. My 7-year-old is very sad about school ending. He has been in a multi-grade class (kindergarten and first grade) for 2 years with the same teachers. Any advice on helping him ease out of this school year and prepare for next year with a new teacher? Thanks so much!
From: Mom of 3, Wellesley
Hi Mom of 3,
My suggestion is to pull out whatever you've saved from the two years -- photos, artwork, books, worksheets, clothes that no longer fit. Pile them on the table and sit down and go through them together. Leave the narration to him; you don't need to say more than, "Oh, look at this!" "Do you remember when you made this?"
By bringing all of this into sharp focus, you give him a chance to identify and label his feelings and, most importantly, to validate them. It's as if you are saying, "Look how much you have learned, look at all the fun you've had and all the friendships! Of course you are feeling sad! You'd be dumb not to be sad!"
In the process, though, something else will happen. He'll look at a drawing or at how he wrote his name six months ago and think, "Wow, that's so babyish. I'm much more grown up now." Slowly, it will dawn on him: "I'm ready to move on. I want to move on!"
Meanwhile, let him say goodbye to everyone, maybe even take photos of his favorite people and things. If he says, "I'm coming back to this classroom next year!" avoid saying, "Don't be silly, you'll be in third grade." Instead, respond to the feelings behind the statement: "You're really going to miss this, aren't you?" Grant him his wish in fantasy: "You wish you could have another year here, don't you?"
Part of what makes the entry into summer hard for kids is the loss of routines. While you may be thrilled not to have a hectic morning schedule, it's what your kids are used to. So one way to help them is to create an in-between schedule (between school and camp or whatever) and to divide the day up the way the school day is divided. Brainstorm with them. Plan some simple outings for the first few days: a backyard picnic at lunch time; a board game afternoon; a morning at the school playground. Make plans with school chums he is likely not to see in the neighborhood. The more you build structure for them, the easier it will be.
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Take them to the doctor, they must be sick! :-)
But seriously, as with most kid things, minor sympathy is fine, but making a big issue over it will just make it worse. Convey to them that you have confidence that they can face the next year just fine, and go on to the next thing. Transitions are only a big issue if grownups make it so.
change IS life! It is a good thing your kids love school but really - prepare them for this to happen the rest of their life. To allow/encourage sadness over this is ridiculous. Get them involved in camp, put them on a routine. Get a grip!.
Take them somewhere they have not seen for a long time or someplace they
never been to. I know my kids loved. Whenever they go to place they never
been.
I have an 8 year old entering third grade and each year we go through the same experience. We've started to establish "summer routines" in order to get through the rough patch. I love the idea of reflecting on what they've accomplished and boost their confidence for the year ahead, I'll give it a try.
I feel comments 1 and 2 are harsh. Separation anxiety is common enough in adults, let alone small children. I am a woman in mid-life in grad school, and feel lonesome when a favorite class ends, or I'm at the end of the line with a certain professor, no more courses available to take with him/her.
As the mother of an 'tween, I say do what Barbara recommends - let them look, think, talk it out all the want. Don't push change (1 and 2). Aren't we supposed to listen, love?
Great advice.My son (second grade) has been experiencing the end of the year blues too.Kids need a comfort zone to reflect, verbalize and process their feelings.Aren't parents supposed to provide that safe place?I agree- comments 1 and 2 are rather harsh.
Tell him to get used to it. Life is just one long series of disappointments.
Reindeergirl, I did not say not to be sympathetic. But encouraging them to wallow in their sadness doesn't do anyone any good. It's like when they were toddlers: if they fell and scraped a knee, they would make much more of a fuss if all the grownups rushed up and said "OH MY GOD!! ARE YOU OKAY???". If you helped them up and matter of factly brushed them off and sent them back to play, they were fine. This is just the big kid version of that.
Can't believe what I'm reading. Your kid is upset that the school year is ending?!? I still remember running home from that last day of the school year THRILLED that I didn't have to go back till the fall, and that feeling lasted all the way until college.
You and me both, annec. And I was a straight A, total geek. But I valued my long days of nothing in particular to do.
Maybe today's kids get anxious because they are so overprogrammed by adults that they don't know how to act if someone isn't telling them what to do all day every day. A healthy dose of boredom is good for kids - they get creative when left to their own devices.
I'm a little surprised by the people who don't seem to understand the difference between allowing a child to "wallow" in his sadness about the school year ending and simply validating his feelings so he can move on. Barbara's advice was very good because it actually helps the child see for himself that it's time for the year to be over. Letting him look at a few works of art from the past two years to come to his own conclusion that he's ready to move to the next level is not wallowing in self-pity, it's helping him to see his own growth. Both of my kids were sad at the end of each school year during elementary school. I always took that as a sign that they were happy, well-adjusted kids and that the school was the right one for them.
In middle school, with its heavier workload, higher expectations, and more challenging social scene, my kids are now thrilled that the school year is almost over.
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