Raising children in a materialistic culture

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz June 15, 2009 06:00 AM

Yes, the recession has brought change to us all. But kids are probably the last ones to know it.

Question: My kids constantly talk about what they want for their next birthday and Christmas.

It really bothers me because we work so hard to get them nice presents when those events come up. But they start talking about the next gifts they want as soon as they are done opening the ones they just received. And then it's a year of telling us what they want. Not only is it annoying, but it makes us think they are ungrateful. We've talked to them about it a couple of times, but I'm not sure we've taken the correct angle. Sometimes, I feel like saying, "Hey, if you don't like what we just got you, I'm going to take it back, and next time, you get nothing."

But that's the type of empty threat my parents made to me all the time, and I never believed them. However, it did stop me from pushing things. What should I do?

From: Daddio, Derry, NH

Hey Daddio --

First of all, it's not in kids' nature to be grateful. Secondly, recession or not, they are growing up in a materialistic society where consumption still dominates,

Let me quote from the introduction to Donna Bee-Gate's book, "I want it NOW, Navigating childhood in a materialistic world:"

"Like the transofrmation of the townsfolk in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers', seemingly overnight youngsters morph from carefree non-materialists to savvy consumers plotting their next acquisition."

Her point is that, in our culture, children learn at a young age that happiness is equated to possessions. It's what they are taught not necessarily by you but by the culture, specifically by TV, by tie-in products to children's movies and videos, by clothing that trumpets brands on the sleeves. Everytime you buy an item that's tied to a product -- from cereal to pillow cases to lunch boxes -- the message gets reinforced, often without parents realizing it.

So the first thing to do is to become a more conscious, thoughtful consumer, one who models to your kids the values you want them to absorb. I'm not suggesting you never buy a tie-in product, or a shirt with a logo, but that you do it consciously, that you talk about it ("This cereal isn't as good as the commercial made me think; sometimes commercials trick me into buying something." )

Preaching and lecturing to your kids won't cut it. especially not about something as intangible as being grateful. There's a whole slew of reasons for their behavior, from wanting something as a way to fit in with peers, to thinking they need specific items to be a complete person, to simply enjoying the process.

Part of what you need to do is turn around their attitude and this takes time and practice and patience. It also means involving them in the process. For instance, the next time you or your wife is due to receive gifts, (Father's Day?) tell your family you don't need/want anything; that you'd much prefer doing an activity as a family because what matters to you most is being together. And then plan a fun day of your favorite things, from breakfast in bed to a birthday picnic. Or tell them you'd like them to make a donation in your honor to a local shelter because there are so many people who are suffering in this recession. You get the idea.

You might also find some ideas at this website, Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with
some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.


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12 comments so far...

  1. I don't have kids, but whatever happened to telling kids off when they need it, like when I was younger? When they are being annoying, then say so.

    This guy is not his parents, so he can, and should, follow through on what he says he will do.

    Posted by sparky June 15, 09 09:19 AM

  1. Honestly, my children do not often talk about their 'next gift request' of ask us to buy items when we are shopping. We certailnly have plenty of toys and gadgets with many relatives buying them. The one difference in our home is that we most often do things ourselves (home construction, landscaping, woodworking, etc,). Get your children of any age involved by making gifts for their relatives. Stepping stones, paintings, wind chimes, simple furniture ate all examples of projects that can be done at any level - preschool to adult. I'm not saying that you should check out of the materialistic world but stick closer to toys (building & crafts) and games that will stand the test of time and are not the latest short lived experience.

    Posted by nottoworry June 15, 09 09:44 AM

  1. One thing I do is to insist on the kids writing thank you notes. They often drag their feet about it, but I find it essential to make the connection that person x spent time/money on you, and you need to spend time thanking them.

    I also find that the materialism slows down when they have to spend their own money. I buy gifts for Christmas and Birthdays, but I don't buy any toys at any other times. If they want toys or other non necessary items, they need to save their allowance/gift money and buy it themselves. It makes them choose more carefully, and usually they buy things that they actually really want, rather than the latest thing that everyone 'has' to have.

    We have also raised them to be accostomed to getting things used. I buy all their clothes used, find bikes and other gear at the dump, and find things on craigslist and ebay when we must buy something for the house. We demonstrate by our own buying behavior (buy only what is necessary, and reusing is preferred) how we would like them to view material goods.

    Finally, we believe the word NO is a wonderful tool.

    Posted by BMS June 15, 09 10:04 AM

  1. I'm not so sure about comments about more/other gifts while the wrapping paper is still strewn about but I really don't mind when my kids comment that they want something for "Christmas" or "birthday." They know that gifts are reserved for special occasions and not given at the demand of "I want it NOW!" I say kudos to the kids for understanding the beginnings of delayed gratification and sense of occasion.

    This may also have something to do with the age of the children. Mine are still young and I know full well that what a five year-old wants in March isn't necessarily what they'll want in December (and what they GET in December isn't necessarily be what they play with come March). If they're old enough to understand expenses and remember all the things they've asked for over the course of the year perhaps tell them to chose their top three, five, ten items (whatever works for your budget) and you'll work from that.

    As for appreciating the needs of others who are not as fortunate as they are, we've always picked items for the "mitten tree," Toys for Tots or "adopted" a family with children similar in age at Christmas time. Even more important is for the children themselves to hand it over for donation or put it under the tree for a child less fortunate. They hold the toys, clothes, blankets or coats in their hands and know that not all the gifts are meant for them.

    Posted by KateH. June 15, 09 10:32 AM

  1. I have not had this problem with my kids, though I have seen it in their friends. I wish I could say it was due to my great parenting skills, but to be honest, I don't really know why they never ask for anything. Even if I ask them what they would like, they don't really have an answer!

    I've examined this a bit, and the conclusion I have reached is that they just don't watch television with commercials. They don't watch that much TV anyway,but we usually watch movies or stations without commercials, or use On Demand. Plus, we buy them some small special things "just because" throughout the year - not clumping it at holidays - so I think that eliminates the "feeding frenzy" on those occasions.

    We did experience this a bit at DisneyWorld - but everything there is a "commercial". I agree, it is extremely irritating to hear those "I wants" over and over again!

    Good luck!

    Posted by badfreecats June 15, 09 11:47 AM

  1. "...the next time you or your wife is due to receive gifts..."
    This part just flabbergasted me, and not just because of the grammar puzzle. Is anyone, ever, due to receive a present? I think perhaps if expectations were lowered, gratitude for whatever does come one's way might be more likely to follow. After, of course, kind and consistent discussion of what is reasonable to expect, and much modeling of adult appreciation of thoughtfulness, whatever form it takes.

    Posted by Ajay June 15, 09 01:31 PM

  1. I don't read too much into their comments as long as they are respectful and appreciate what they have which my kids are. There are lots of things in life I want ranging from world peace to a new pair of shoes. I live a very frugal life but that doesn't stop me from walking down the street and noticing something that I would love to have, it doesn't mean I get it and it doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the things I do have.

    I do think teaching kids to live responsibly in this consumer world is imperatvie but difficult. So far I've been impressed with the decisions my kids (tweens & teens) have made with regards to money but that doesn't stop my daughter from telling me every day she wants a puppy and I don't stop telling her when she gets her own house she can get one! I think my mother and I had the same conversation 30 years ago.

    Posted by Nancy June 15, 09 04:59 PM

  1. "...the next time you or your wife is due to receive gifts..."

    I agree with poster number 6 above....

    "...due to receive gifts"?

    We are so conditioned by these ridiculous holiday's. I give gifts spontaneously. That means it may or may not fall on or around a holiday or birthday. Why this works for me?
    1. I have no stress about buying people things during 'expected' time periods. My friends and family know not to 'expect' anything on these days. I'll bet the majority of people don't even remember the gifts received on thier birthdays or on holidays.
    2. My friends and family tend to remember and cherish the things I do get them, particularly if it is something I made or found that is special and they receive it on some obscure day...say in a drab month such as November or February.

    Posted by Rick June 15, 09 07:16 PM

  1. "Ask Santa" is a common refrain at our house. And opportunities to "earn" small amts of money for improving behaviors can add up.

    I never expected TiVo to assist in parenting. I bought it when we were pre-kid-TV. Now I thank god every time I can zip through those commercials.

    Posted by Paul June 15, 09 07:27 PM

  1. A lot of times, the kids are taking their cues (to be materialistic) from the parents. My sister and her husband own: 3 sailboats, 2 antique Corvettes that they never drive, 2 flat screen tvs, 1 motorcycle. When my niece was around 12 or 13, she told me that her parents were rich "because they own 2 Corvettes." Now, that she's turning 16, all she can talk about is how she wants a job that pays her a lot of money. It's really sad. I tried to impart some wisdom to her by saying, "You should like your job because of the work, not because of the paycheck," but I don't think she gets it.

    Posted by Wednesday35 June 16, 09 01:24 AM

  1. "Part of what you need to do is turn around their attitude..."
    How about the parents reforming their OWN attitude? I grew up in the 80's, the ME Generation, then watched the 90's Greed Generation just accumulate even more pin on the "entitlement" button. Now kids grow up in a two working-parent environment so they can accumulate more, go shopping because they want to not because they need to and lavish each other with "things". Kids obviously don't see the sacrifices the parents make for the benefit of the child/children but I wonder if they also realize that they lived very close to the kid's mentality before they started the family.

    Posted by dougzinboston June 16, 09 06:36 AM

  1. At least they are talking about their next Christmas and B-day and not expecting you to head out to the mall the next day.
    If they grow up only expecting things on special occasions, I think you are ahead of the game.
    Surprisingly, my kids don't ask for much. My husband and I aren't big shoppers so I think that is part of it. They do talk about getting cellphones/ipods. They can save babysitting/lawn mowing money for an ipod or other wanted items. They'll get a cellphone when they go off to college. (This has been the toughest to stick with so far - they really want cellphones)
    It is also important to remind them if they are not enjoying A, B, and C that they received this year why will X, Y, and Z next year be any more fun. Kids think they want the latest toy or gadget because of the pervasive marketing. It really isn't their fault.
    We've started giving our kids a movie night and dinner (alone with a parent) or tickets to the Revolution(soccer) for Christmas. This has been a big hit. The stuff they get ends up at the swap shop at the dump or broken in the trash. Childhood memories are much more precious. Good luck! It isn't easy!

    Posted by Medfieldmom June 16, 09 07:55 AM
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Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes; Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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Lylah M. Alphonse is a member of the Globe Magazine staff and mom and stepmom to five kids. She writes about juggling a full-time career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day, and about everything else at Write. Edit. Repeat. When she's not glued to the computer or solving a kid-related crisis, she's in the kitchen or, occasionally, asleep.

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