Adult twins

E-MAIL | LINK | ADD A COMMENT (5) Posted by Barbara F. Meltz July 10, 2009 06:00 AM

Once again, I'm revisiting a recent topic, "when twins hate each other". Many of you responded with stories and questions of your own. Here's one of them:

Question: I was fascinated by your question and answer regarding twins hating
each other. I am very embarrassed to say that my identical twin sister and I
have never had a good relationship. I do believe she has hated me since
birth. We have not spoken in over 2 years, and it has driven a wedge between
our nuclear and extended family. I am at my wit's end. Please point me in
the direction of a study, a book, or anything that can help me try to
resolve this or get us out of this mess.Thank you very much for any response
that you can provide.

From: Debbie of Marietta, Ga.

Hi Debbie,

Nancy Segal, perhaps the preeminent twin researcher in the country, is a fraternal twin herself. She talks in this interview about how, as a child, she and her twin were so different she wondered how they possibly could have the same parents.

In response to your question, Segal says that even though you are estranged, she believes you are nonetheless emotionally involved with each other. If at all possible, she writes in an email, "I would advise the twins to meet privately and then together with a therapist who has knowledge of twinship."

If that's not possible, here are two websites, Twinstuff.com and twinlesstwins.org, which is a website for those who have lost a twin.

"It sounds to me like the twin who wrote to you is in a kind of mourning," she says.

Segal has also written two books, "Entwined LIves," and "Indivisible by Two," which you may find helpful.

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with
some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.

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5 comments so far...

It sounds as if she didn't want to share the limelight so to speak. I hope you can resolve and get together. Sisters are special. I have 4...Take care

Posted by sophie08 July 10, 09 03:47 PM

Siblings who "hate" each other early on indicates a lack of parental attention to the importance of healthy sibling relationships. Sibling relationships need to be tended and brothers/sisters need to learn how to celebrate one another from birth on. It's not a "hit or miss" situation, like some will get along, some won't. Siblings can all get all relatively well as children if given explicit expectations and guidance. In adulthood, it is more of a personal responsibility.

Posted by twinmom July 10, 09 07:34 PM

Try to think of your twin as your other sister and brother like that. Don't treat
her any different that way you won't feel that she has to be part of you. My twin
and I are closed with each other, but I always think of her just another silbing
in the family. When I was married that time, my husband was my best friend
and her boyfriend was her best friend, we don't put each other as first priority
but rather put our partner first. It is godly that way. And keeps the twins relationship strong too. It worked but when decisions made that not godly we
ended up hurting each other in a very stupid way. It is sad, now I see it as a
punishment from god.

Posted by natick, mass, stephanie July 10, 09 10:38 PM

This is a sad story. My sister has identical twins - now adults. They are still so "identical", that they think the same way, buy (individually) the same outfits etc. I am just wondering - does this "hateness" depends on if the twins are fraternal or identical????
As a note. My nieces went to school in the same class room for their first 3 years and did well. Then some "smart" teacher/principal decided they should be separated. They should grow up as individuals. They missed each other and started to do poorly in school. After two years of that, my sister demanded they be in the same class room. Everything changed and they graduated with high honors.

Posted by Pingo July 11, 09 07:02 AM

My twin and I share a bed for at least 13 years when we were in China, and
then we share bed in hong kong, and in high school, and college until I got
married we share a bedroom, we never fight, I fight with my cousins more than my sisters. probably becuse my sisters and I goes to this very strict
church while my cousin they don't read the bible or attend church back then.
But now we all have our own life and family, that I don't even think it is that
important if you are twin or not. becuse we got our partners as our best
friend and then we got our own set of friends from school, from work, or
just neightbors so it really doesn't matter. I love my twin but I know legally
she should put her partner first priority and then me, but so many time I
think the twinship just got in the way, or probably our partner just assuming
that we must be so closed that they got jealous of whatever that's they are
assuming. And being twin you live part of her life too often time, like when
someone my twin knows and said hi to me in the train or bus or wherever
I have to respons as a friend I know along time, becuse that person know
her and I don't know how long they know each other already, so I have to
treated her or him like a friend too. It is fun, but not fun when you get so used
to it already. As especially when you on a go. You don't want to stop and
explained that I am her twin or whatever. Now as an adult, we got into disagreement more often than anytime of our life, it is becuse so much going
on that being out of our control. So when she and I are so closed we just having a hard time to adjusted it.

Posted by natick, mass. stephanie July 11, 09 01:10 PM

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about the authors

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes; Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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Lylah M. Alphonse is a member of the Globe Magazine staff and mom and stepmom to five kids. She writes about juggling a full-time career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day, and about everything else at Write. Edit. Repeat. When she's not glued to the computer or solving a kid-related crisis, she's in the kitchen or, occasionally, asleep.