Question: We have been struggling with an on-going issue with my 7th grade son. He will do whatever he can to avoid admitting he has gotten a bad grade..this includes deceiving, lying, changing. We have caught him several times over the last 2-3 years, we have punished him, we have talked until we are blue in the face and he still does it.

From: Jane, Belmont

Hi Jane,

One study, published last year by former Penn State University researcher Nancy Darling (now of Oberlin College), says that 98 % of teens lie. Yikes!

That would kinda make it seem like a normal behavior.

Here’s what’s even more shocking: Kids are most likely to lie because lying is modeled to them by their parents. Yup. You know the gift your mom gave you and you gushed, “Oh, mom, I love it,” then told your kids later on that you really hated it? That’s a lie. You get the idea.

Kids also lie for different reasons, depending on their stage of development.

What you’re describing troubles me on two levels. One is that you are punishing him for lying. There’s only one thing that will accomplish: You're giving him practice, not to mention incentive, for becoming better at lying.

The other is what he is lying about: grades. Grades that already are pretty darn good, if you ask me. Is this pressure to succeed at such a high level something internal for him – is he a perfectionist? – or is it coming from you and your husband? And before you say, no, no, not us, think hard about this. Children who are well-attached to their parents – especially only children, by the way – are prone to not want to disappoint their parents. What standards have you set? Have you allowed for “good enough” in your family? For yourselves? These are questions you need to examine.

This is a two-way street. You have come to not trust your son, but most likely he has come to not trust you, either. Use the summer for the three of you to brainstorm about what has gone wrong in your family. Acknowledge whatever role you may have played in the dynamic that has developed. Be clear: “We don’t want another year like last year, where trust broke down between us.” Avoid using the word, “Lie.” Ask him for his ideas about how he can feel more trusting of you two (that you won’t try to trap him in not being truthful, for instance) and you can feel more trustful of him.

Write down the points of agreement and conflict. Try to frame a written contract between you. One way that a teen generally feels he can’t trust parents is when they have become (in his eyes) overly intrusive. So you may need to agree to be less intrusive: “Mom and dad agree not to ask Dan on a daily basis about grades, papers or homework. In return for this responsibility and trust, Dan agrees to show us his work on a weekly basis [set a date for this].” Then you need to agree to consequences for what happens if this contract gets broken. Consequences cannot be punishments – not grounding him or taking away allowance – but something you and he agree to beforehand.

If you can’t imagine having these conversations, by all means try therapy. You need to do whatever it takes for the three of you to get back into dialogue with each other.

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