More on the in-laws

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz July 28, 2009 06:00 AM

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Question My husband's parents and I are having a bit of a war over the issue of baby photography. When my son was a newborn, his parents, who consider themselves avid shutterbugs and I think semi-professional, constructed a make-shift photography studio in their basement. They set up lights and black velvet and called us one day to ask that we bring specific hats for our son to be posed in. This infuriated me - I am deadset against having any unnatural or posed photos of my child - but I'm also very wary of their makeshift studio. Despite what they think, they are not professionals and the idea of a young child under hot lights with bright flashes also seems inappropriate to me. How can I end the war without compromising my position?

Thanks in advance for your advice!

From: Kelly of Stoughton

Hi Kelly,

I feel like I’m missing something here. Does being honest with them compromise your position? This is your baby. What’s the problem?

Tell them you love it if/when they take candid photos of him but you just aren’t into the posed-with-hats-in-a-studio scene. It doesn’t sound like they have any intention of selling the photos, but tell them it feels exploitative, nonetheless, kinda like it would if this was a 12-year-old and they wanted to take naked pics. It's an emotional reaction, you can't help it, you hope they will respect that. Period. End of discussion.

Simply, honestly, kindly & respectfully expressing your position and listening to the other person’s is at the crux of any quality relationship. It’s pretty clear from earlier Mailbag questions that many parents get stuck when this relationship involves in-laws. Yes, as parents you want to preserve relationships, and, sure, compromise is often involved, on both sides.

But there is a bottom line here: as parents, you get to be the deciders. Grandparents already had their turn. And if you aren't able to hold the line now, it will be that much harder as time passes. I suggest you sit down with them and hammer out an agreement on exactly what kind of pictures you're happy to have them snap.

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8 comments so far...

Sorry don't want to sound obnoxious but what's the big deal here?

The grandparents are trying to be involved with your child and trying to take beautiful pictures that will last a lifetime...chill out.

Posted by E July 28, 09 01:49 PM

Yes you are the parents, and you have the right to say no.

But seriously? My inlaws barely acknowledge my kids' existance at family gatherings. If they wanted to do something with them - ANYTHING - I would be thrilled. This would not be my hill to die on.

Posted by BMS July 28, 09 03:02 PM

I'm a little taken aback by the tone of this letter. Really? You're "infuriated"? Dead-set against it? Seems a little extremist when you're just talking about a few photos. I can understand having a preference about not having staged photos, but I don't get the big deal. Let them take the pics. You don't have to display them or even look at them if you don't want to.

Posted by D July 28, 09 03:51 PM

BMS, it's her child and if she does not feel comfortable its all about her comfort zone. Don't transfer your situation to hers. Its great they want to take pictures, but for crying out loud take candid pictures of the child instead of posing him under hot lights that will make him cranky. Spend time with the newborn, don't make him into a hobby. How safe is their little studio and why do you need a studio take pictures of your grandchild (CREEPY).

Posted by really!!! July 28, 09 04:02 PM

I'm a regular reader and am astounded at the lack of maturity of some of the women who have asked questions here- especially when the issue of in-laws comes up. I know I sound judgemental, but my intention isn't to berate anyone. I am a strong believer in the importance of family- even when there are personality conflicts, value differences and arguments- that's all part of life- and our job as adults is to learn how to live in harmony with others despite those conflicts and differences. How else can we expect our kids to learn how to do that? I agree with BMS- be thrilled that your in-laws adore your children- set limits, as you are the parent and you have the right to do so, but do it with respect and kindness. I have always been so happy about the love my in-laws and parents have for my children- I figure the more people on the planet that love and support them, the better!

Kay

Posted by Kay July 28, 09 04:58 PM

i think you are blowing this waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion. seriously, you are that upset they want to take a few pictures of your child? gimme a break and lighten the heck up! good grief lady - you have to pick and choose your battles - and this is a little lame.

Posted by kiki July 29, 09 09:42 AM

Kay is correct. Who is the infant here?

Posted by Who are these people? July 30, 09 09:46 PM

Wow. I will admit that sometimes my in-laws cross the line...But a few photos? Really? This sounds like a power struggle to me that has nothing to do with the LW's personal artistic taste.

Posted by bellyb August 17, 09 03:52 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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