Question: I have 3 boys ages 14, 12, 9, and a baby girl 10 months...plus a full time job...and a husband...they all help out a lot and we work together to get things done, but there is constant bickering among the boys.

Normal, yes, but is there a way to cut it back so I can take a breath without getting on them all the time? I have tried tuning them out but it doesn't work for me and I hate yelling at them or spanking them. Looking for new perspective because I already don't think I spend enough time with them but when we are all together it's bickering constant almost.

Thanks for answering my question if you can.

From: Wendy, Sylacauga

Hi Wendy,

It sounds like you may be unwittingly reinforcing the bickering. Bickering is almost always a ploy for your attention. Not purposeful, of course; kids don't realize that's why they are doing it. But typically the more kids there are in a family, the more valuable your attention, so the more you respond, the more they will bicker.

That doesn't mean you can let the bickering just happen and tune it out or ignore it; unchecked, bickering usually means at least one child feels unsafe. But it also doesn't mean you simply impose your will on them by shouting, "Stop! I can't stand to listen to you bicker!"

Keeping bickering in check begins in the preschool years, by setting ground rules ( "In our family, there is no hitting or pushing & no mean words & no grabbing.") and by setting expectations ("In our family, when someone is upset, we use words to describe what we want and how we feel.").

Adele Faber, co-author of the classic, "Siblings without Rivalry," is my go-to person for sibling bickering. Here's an excerpt from one of my columns:

When an infraction occurs, she suggests:

- "Restate the problem. Ask each child to describe the problem, then restate it yourself: "You both want to sit in the same chair, and you each were mean to the other. Is that right?"

- "Acknowledge feelings. "No wonder you're both so upset, this is a hard problem! Two brothers want to sit in the same chair at the same time."

- "State the rule. "You know the rule: We don't say anything mean."

- "Offer options. "Let's figure out what you can do to solve this problem. Should you set a timer, so you each have a turn? Can two brothers sit in the chair together?"

- "Express confidence in them. "Jeff, I think you are a fair person. Matt, you're also a reasonable person."

- "Walk away. "I trust you two to work this out in a way that's fair to you, Jeff, and to you, Matt." Don't go too far away in case things accelerate, but resist going back in unless it does.

- "If bickering escalates or graduates to hitting or pushing, you do need to intervene: "This is a dangerous situation. You three are so angry with one another, you can't work this out. You each need to go to a separate room to cool off." Children are usually grateful for this, says Faber: "They don't like it when bickering escalates, but they need a face-saving way to stop."

"Empowering children is not the same as yelling in to them from the next room, "Work it out, kids!" Being present to say "Do you three need help or can you work it out yourselves?" will give permission for any one of them to say, "Yes, we need help."

For the complete article, click here.

I'm anxious to see what strategies Mailbag readers have to share!

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with
some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.