Potty talk & disciplining someone else's child
Hi Barbara,
Yesterday I picked my 5-year-old son and friend (also 5-year-old boy) up from camp. During the car ride there was a lot of potty talk, escalating into giggling and chanting. We do not approve/tolerate this on a more than 2-3 minute basis with our son. We tell him it is not polite, not appropriate, not how we talk in our family, etc. Usually, it ends the first or second time I ask my son to stop.
During the car ride I let this go a little longer than I normally would because it involved another child whose parent was not present. When the chanting began, I spoke up - first to my son and then when it continued, to both kids. I did not raise my voice, just sternly said that it was not polite and that it needed to stop. I did give my son "the look" and he slowed down but the other child continued. I told him directly (using his name) to stop and there was a lot of giggling.
So my dilemma - I am hesitant to reprimand another child, but I did. I did it to preserve the importance we place on respectful behavior with my son. I would like your advice on whether I should tell his parents. I am not concerned about his behavior (this is what 5-year-old boys do) but more about their reaction that I spoke to their son about it. I know parents can be sensitive to how others speak to their kids.
These parents seem very intent on teaching good/respectful behavior. I have seen them discipline their son in public (talking to, removing from situation) so I know they would have said something to him. I want to make sure the parents understand that is not about their son's behaviour but rather that I reprimanded him.
What do you think? Am I making too big a deal about this? What should I do when this happens in the future?
From: E, Hingham
Hi E --
I'm not sure why people (not just you, don't take this personally) agonize over this so much. Do unto others as you would etc etc.
Over coffee, at the playground, or even over the phone, describe the situation to the other mom just as you have described it here. You don't need to be defensive or apologetic: Ask her what she would have done if it had happened in her car, and what she would want you to do in the future. When kids are this age, parents typically want and expect to engage around these kinds of issues. It's when children get a little older that it becomes tricky. What you always want to avoid is shaming a child by saying something like, "I can't believe you said that, James; we don't talk that way in our family and I don't ever want to hear you speak like that again in my car." That's over the top.
As far as potty talk in general, you are right that this is very common and even appropriate at this age. For girls, even! It makes them feel powerful and it's also funny to them.
There are two schools of thought for how to respond to it. Let me quote from my book:
"One school of thought is to set [the] limit the very first time you hear a word that offends you. Otherwise, the argument goes, a child will go on to the next level of language. If he doesn't have clear boundaries set for him, he'll also be more likely to use bathroom talk indiscriminately and to get into trouble for doing so, if not at home, at day care or school. The other school of thought is to ignore scatological talk. That argument assumes that it will go away on its own for two reason: first, because you don't give it any attention, and second, because children grow out of it.
"A middle road combines the common sense in both arguments. Let's face it, it's unnatural to be stern when something really tickles your funny bone. If your child tells a joke and you think it's funny, smile and enjoy it. ...While you can appreciate a good riddle that uses bathroom humor, you can also set limits around words that are used just for the sake of their use...It's our job to help children learn social mores: 'I know you think this is silly and your friends think it's silly, but it's not good manners. These are not nice words. These are not the kinds of jokes people with good manners say and in our family, we value good manners."
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About the author
Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.
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Parents need to realize that, when you allow another parent to be responsible for your child's well-being, you are submitting to their imposing limits on your child. This may mean imposing 'consequences.' Parents should take care to know the discipline styles of those adults with whom they are leaving their child. Assuming this parent knew this could happen, I would just casually mention "He's a great kid but there was some 'potty talk' in the car. Just so we're on the same page, I thought I should let you know. I reminded him that we don't talk that way but he kept on so I gave him a firm 'Johnny, stop, now'." (or whatever it is you said/did)." Let her know you're open to other ways to handle it and hopefully you can agree on something.