Twins and their friends, or lack thereof

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz  September 7, 2009 06:00 AM

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Hi!

My identical twins just turned 19. They have two older sisters they are pretty close to. They still live at home with me (Mom). They have two kind of part-time friends they share equally.
They work at the same place. They have acne, not so bad, but enough to create some self consciousness.

Hence, they keep to themselves when it comes to "boys". The thing is they do not really socialize, do not seek new friends or activities.

They are VERY artistic and I offered them a "henna" class through the local school district where they could "tatoo" themselves or each other. The class encouraged bringing a friend and offered a discount for two. They would not even consider it. I pointed out that they would be together, didn't have to visit if they didn't want to, but that maybe they could meet like minded artsy people or find out other local artsy venues, etc. But they won't go.

I'm concerned that if they don't venture out a bit, they'll marry identical twin boys, identically entwined, buy a twin house (connected wall between two homes) and they'll live on one side and the guys will live on the other and they'll pass each other going to and from for sex!

Is there anything I can do to help them spread their wings a bit? I worry that they're missing out, but also, they are fortunate in so many ways to have each other.

Thank you.

From: Linda, Anoka, MN

Hi Linda,

My reaction to your email was to say simply, it sounds like they are pretty happy and it sounds like you are measuring their sociability against a standard that may not meet their needs. In other words: Back off.

But just to be sure, I consulted with Nancy Segal, the nation's preeminent researcher on the subject. Here's her response:

My advice to this mom would be to consider how happy the twins are. Some twins prefer to spend a lot of time together — and this pair has an outside friend. If anything, the mom might go ahead and buy them a gift certificate to a course [to take together]. That way, they would have to take it — but they would be exposed to other people.


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4 comments so far...
  1. I have seen several questions on this blog from parents worrying about their kids' friends, lack of friends, interactions with friends, etc.

    If your kids are happy, leave them alone for heaven's sake. Stop trying to micromanage their relationships. Unless they are hanging out with Charles Manson's little brother, let them be. If they are depressed, treat the depression. But don't assume your kids are miserable because they don't have a football team's worth of "friends". Different people need different amounts of social interaction.

    Posted by BMS September 7, 09 10:14 AM
  1. Oh, for Heaven's sake! Your concern for your children and their social well being is admirable. But by those lights, I (nearing 23 years old, and never having dated) am an out-and-out freak. Let them be-- they're old enough now to decide how social (or not!) they want to be. Trust me, as one who's been there: they aren't missing out on activities if they don't want to be there in the first place.

    (And what, exactly, is wrong with your vision of the double house, as long as all concerned are happy and healthy?)

    Posted by MNGrad September 7, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Scientists at NY University College of Medicine have shown that Niacinamide (aka Nicotinamide) is superior to antibiotics such as Clindamycin in controlling acne. Use Niapads for controlling acne. Niapads is a one step process providing exfoliation, skin lightening, pore cleansing and prevention of acne. Visit www.niapads.com for details. Free shipping to all US and Canada.

    Posted by Jessica September 7, 09 08:44 PM
  1. Don't they go to college or work full-time? That would count as an "outside interest".

    Drag them to a dermatologist and get them put on Accutane. If a mother thinks a child's acne is "not that bad", I can only imagine what it really looks like.

    If they don't go to college or work FT, why not? That's what I'd be worried about.

    Posted by just_cos September 8, 09 12:42 PM
 
4 comments so far...
  1. I have seen several questions on this blog from parents worrying about their kids' friends, lack of friends, interactions with friends, etc.

    If your kids are happy, leave them alone for heaven's sake. Stop trying to micromanage their relationships. Unless they are hanging out with Charles Manson's little brother, let them be. If they are depressed, treat the depression. But don't assume your kids are miserable because they don't have a football team's worth of "friends". Different people need different amounts of social interaction.

    Posted by BMS September 7, 09 10:14 AM
  1. Oh, for Heaven's sake! Your concern for your children and their social well being is admirable. But by those lights, I (nearing 23 years old, and never having dated) am an out-and-out freak. Let them be-- they're old enough now to decide how social (or not!) they want to be. Trust me, as one who's been there: they aren't missing out on activities if they don't want to be there in the first place.

    (And what, exactly, is wrong with your vision of the double house, as long as all concerned are happy and healthy?)

    Posted by MNGrad September 7, 09 04:37 PM
  1. Scientists at NY University College of Medicine have shown that Niacinamide (aka Nicotinamide) is superior to antibiotics such as Clindamycin in controlling acne. Use Niapads for controlling acne. Niapads is a one step process providing exfoliation, skin lightening, pore cleansing and prevention of acne. Visit www.niapads.com for details. Free shipping to all US and Canada.

    Posted by Jessica September 7, 09 08:44 PM
  1. Don't they go to college or work full-time? That would count as an "outside interest".

    Drag them to a dermatologist and get them put on Accutane. If a mother thinks a child's acne is "not that bad", I can only imagine what it really looks like.

    If they don't go to college or work FT, why not? That's what I'd be worried about.

    Posted by just_cos September 8, 09 12:42 PM
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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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