Hi Barbara,
My 5 1/2-year-old boy is starting to play with toy guns a little bit -- he got the first one last week -- which only makes silly noises when the button is pressed. And although we don't watch any of the super-hero shows, he seems to know about all the super heroes and that they use guns to kill bad people, etc. This theme is showing up in his pretend play when he sometimes points his toy gun and says things like "I will kill you." I assume this is not abnormal for a 5-year-old. In all other aspects he is a very normal 5-year-old. I'm not sure how to handle this. On the one hand, if I take away all "gun toys" I think they will only be more attractive. What is the safe thing to teach kids about guns and toy gun play. Thanks!

From: KJ, Acton

Hi KJ,

While he may not be exposed to superheroes or gun play at home -- and good for you for holding the line! -- he's still going to hear about every last one of them from his peers. After all, we live in a culture awash in superhero worship and we aren't raising our kids in bubbles.

It's also true, as you note, that this fascination with gun play is pretty typical and it's going to surface no matter what. True story: When my son was 4 and being raised in a toy gun-free home where we avoided all but pre-selected TV & videos, he sat at breakfast one day, chewed his toast into the shape of a gun and said, "Bang, you're dead."

Where does this come from? The culture, yes, and peer influence, also yes.

But developmentally, this a stage when kids gain new cognitive skills, including the recognition that they are pretty powerless in a sometimes scary world. Gun play is one way to help them master their fears and feel more powerful. Why guns? Because they are a grown-up symbol of power. Because our culture is awash in references to them. Because children try through play to understand whatever is confusing to them. For ideas about ways to help them feel powerful without guns, read this.

As you recognize, KJ, banning the play altogether only makes it more attractive and prevents you from being able to enter into meaningful dialogue about guns and ways to solve conflict non-violently. (See Nancy Carlsson-Paige's terrific story book for kids, "Best Day of the Week.") By banning the toys, we also ban the play that goes with it and therefore the feelings that prompt the need for the play in the first place. A great book on the subject is "The War Play Dilemma, second edition" by Carlsson-Paige and Diane Levin.

Does this sound familiar:

"I hate my house! My friends don't want to come to my house because we can't play with toy guns here!"

Instead of simply repeating your mantra -- "Real guns hurt real people, that's why, in our family, we don't even want toy guns in our home." -- try a different approach: "I want your friends to be able to play here, too. What ideas can we have for making it fun to be here?" Set up a soccer net with fancy foul lines? Equip your house with lots of materials for dramatic play? Make your kitchen the place for fabulous art projects? Also, don't ban or censor the play when you see it. If you are stocking kids with open-ended toys, there's a chance that a long, skinny block could be used as a gun in the midst of a game, but it could also be a lion's cage in the next game.

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