We're gearing up for me to be gone before our daughter turns 3. It's not going to be easy. My husband is a former soldier (10.5 years active duty, most of it deployed in support of Gulf 1 and the follow on actions afterward) so unlike non-military spouses, he won't idly wonder or imagine what I'm going through. He knows what it's like and what I'll be doing, what my days will be like and what dangers I'll face - realistically, not what's posed to the public on the news.

That makes it harder I think. I've been on that end of the stick and it's actually worse knowing pretty well what's happening to your loved one 8,000 miles away.

But because his role now is as a SHAF, we're fortunate that neither he nor our daughter will have to have their routine completely turned upside down. They've already dealt with short Temporary Tour of Dutys (TDYs), so it's not as if I've never been gone for more than a day or two.

That being said, I will be utilizing the Sesame Street Talk, Listen, Connect program (http://www.sesameworkshop.org/initiatives/emotion/tlc/deployments) to help both parent and toddler understand and try to cope. Since she's already a huge Elmo (calls him "Elko") fangirl - and so many military parents of toddlers and pre-schoolers have utilized this and spoken so highly of it, I think it will help some.

My installation also makes "Parent Pillows" for young kids. They take a photo of the deploying airman and make it into a pillowcase so that the child can snuggle their deployed parents' likeness. It's cute and it's been "peer" reviewed as a good help for the little ones.

Finally, we'll be using a lot of the resources available to us. For instance, the Department of Defense will pay for "respite" daycare - up to 16 hours a week - for the parent left behind to have some childfree downtime.

Unfortunately, I'm a reservist. We deploy constantly, but we don't have the on-base, in-housing support that our active duty counterparts do. In other words, we live as civilians, in the civilian world, and our friends and neighbors, by and large, definitely DON'T know what it's like to be left behind while your spouse is at war. It was my experience when I was home while my former spouse was deployed (he deployed a week after I returned from my own deployment!) that most people around me just didn't know what to do even though they seemed to want to do something. And really, without them having been deployed or in a similar situation, there was little they could do. We don't speak the same language. I sought refuge at my local VFW where I'm still active today - as a member, a part time bartender and occasionally, a drinker too.

But here's what I would tell other parents and spouses going through this for the first time, especially if your military spouse is in the Guard or Reserve:
1. Talk honestly to your children and take advantage of every option available to military families through the DOD and your spouses units' Family Support Group.
2. The military offers financial assistance for emergencies (i.e. hot water heater/boiler failure, car repairs etc.). If you need it, use it. Your spouse will be hard pressed to help from his or her deployed location but the help is there for you.
3. Don't fight. I have witnessed it all too often. Sometimes, when the stress and loneliness get to be too much, we pick fights with our loved ones. Well, your loved one is close to 10,000 miles away and you can't kiss and make up. Channel that stress and loneliness into supporting other families and children in a similar spot through the Family Support Groups. Get involved.
4. Do NOT glue yourself to news of the war. It's generally incomplete reporting, incorrect reporting and it will only cause more worry and stress that you don't need. But remember that your spouse may not be able to put your mind at ease and tell you what it's really like. A lot is classified and they can't talk about it. So do yourself a favor and turn off CNN. You won't get the real and correct and full picture from watching it.
5. Take advantage of childcare services and payments offered by the DOD. You need the respite as much as anyone else. If you're close to a military installation, exercise your dependent priviliges and find out what's going on for activities on that base. Most active duty bases have a wide range of programs for toddlers to teens, including comprehensive daycare, after school programs, youth centers, story times, movie outings, picnics, arts and crafts, etcetera. If your spouse is Guard or Reserve and deployed, you're entitled to use all base priviliges and attend activities. Not only will you be able to meet with people who can relate to what you're going through, your children will be able to interface with other kids who know all about it too.

For Greater Metro Boston residents who are facing spouse deployments, Hanscom Air Force Base is nearby. Check it out.

I guess that's it for now. I think this is long enough....

Thank you so much for sharing this, Phe! As you pointed out, many non-military friends and family members might not understand how to help their loved ones during a deployment, and reading about your experience, taking your advice, and checking out the resources you mentioned will help a lot of people. Thank you again!-- LMA

Thanks for including me in your post. Like the previous commenter, my husband is a Guardsman, and like reservists, we're often left out "in the cold" - little, if any, base support and even community support, depending on where you live.

Hopefully as word is spread, we'll get more resources for these and all parents who are surviving deployments.

When I was a kid my Dad (a USAF fighter pilot) deployed a lot. My Mom bought big rolls of butcher paper. When we missed Dad we rolled out some paper on the kitchen floor and wrote messages, colored him pictures, etc. Mom would cut the paper off the roll and then roll our "art" into super-tight, skinny scrolls that we'd put in his packages. About once a week we'd roll out a big piece of paper and my brother & I would take turns tracing each other, then coloring in our "bodies" with our favorite outfit of the week, how we'd done our hair, our new glasses or tennis shoes, whatever it was we wanted to convey to him about how we were changing. He hung our paper "people" up on his concrete walls & said it was very cheerful artwork to come back to. It really helped my brother & I "deal" when we missed him.

My husband is currently deployed and we will shortly be celebrating our only son's 1st birthday. We were lucky enough for my husband to be stateside for the first 6 months. Deployment is all in how you deal with it and the attitude you take with you. My son and I cope by spending Saturday and Sunday mornings in front of the web cam, so that my son can play and have "breakfast" with dad. My husband can see how much he's grown and improved in motor skills, and reads books to him to interact. Just as important is the time my husband and I set aside time durring the week for us to have our chats. The webcam is the best thing we ever did for deployment.

Military families must and should always use the resources made available to them through the soldier's unit and family readiness group.

The real advice should go to those out there that surprisingly are still shocked that soliders are deployed and missing their families. Thoughtless comments like, "wow, does your husband miss watching your son turn 1?" are the worst part of deployment. The rest we have the skills and resources with which to cope.

Annie Carter: Great point on the idiot comments - but I've worked with family support groups in the past and found that, as both a deployer and the former spouse of a deployer, many spouses don't have the skills or understand or know how to access the resources available to them. Tragically, it's led to divorce in more than one instance for airmen and soldiers I've worked along side.

Thank you for your sacrifice, to all the soldiers and their families!

Thank you for your support and We STILL NEED MASSIVE FUNDING to make this conference possible. Tell you freinds and family and neighbors!!!! Please feel free to donate on our website www.sisterhoodbdus.org.

Thanks

Kaylei Deakin

I have written and self published a picture book for young children who miss their dad. It's titled "I Miss Daddy" and you can preview it at www.imissdaddy.com.
The reason that Dad is not there is not addressed in the book only how to comfort and affirm children's feelings of longing and grief over his absence. I thought that military families would especially benefit from this book but it could also be used for any type of long term separation. Please check it out and let me know what you think. Thanks, Amy