What works for me is linking consequences to not listening. For example, "Son, I've asked you to pick up your shoes twice now. If they are not picked up in the next five seconds we will not read a book before bed." If the shoes are not picked up you have to REALLY follow through with the consequence. We give A LOT to our children everyday, and if they feel that at least some of that is at risk they are more likely to listen when you give them a chore.

Welcome to my world Welcome to my world..oh MY!! Welcome to my world!

Consequences is definitely where it's at. The book mentioned may have some salient points in it, but I think in the end changing his behavior is going to take action and that means following through with re-training him to be more considerate and responsible for his actions..........through setting rules and following through with consequences.

Wait until they are teenagers! I find that if I go over to them and remove whatever they are doing (turn off the tv, shutoff the computer, take away their basketball...) and do it matter of factly, it works.

Oh I didn't know that was a thing confined to little children. Works well for adults too.

mom you forget i now how to youze the computer to read this stuff and will juss tune you out mor now. ha ha ha

Oh, please. What's with all this pussyfooting around? If you let your son contintue to be inconsiderate then that's how he'll grow up. Be firm from the START! If asking politely never works the first time then don't start there. Be firm up front and take him away - physically, if necessary, and mentally - from what he's doing and direct his attention to the task at hand. I'm all for reasoning with a child, but you also need to be aware that children are smart and astute and they can sense when you're talking down to them and they know when you're letting them off the hook because they're just kids, and they WILL take advantage of that and play you. Treat them with more respect and maturity and you'll have a better chance of getting the same in return.

Son is 11, still the same issue....I don't think it ever goes away!! I like poster #4's suggestion. Will try. Nothing to lose!

Have someone explain to you what "literally" means.

Your son knows he does not need to do what you ask the first, second, third, or fourth time. He knows he does not need to do what you told him to do until you yell at him: you have taught him that you don't mean it until you yell. That is the pattern you have established.

To break it, you have to change your behavior. When he has a job to do, walk over to him, get down to his level, and look him in the eye. Tell him to look at you if he is not. Then tell him what you need: "It is time to pick up your toys now." Make sure he is looking at you while you say it. Wait for a minute, while standing by him, and then if he goes back to what he was doing (instead of doing whatever job you told him to do), repeat what you did before -- but now, add a consequence. "I told you it was time to pick up your toys. If you do not pick them up now, you cannot watch TV." Then ask him to repeat what you said -- "What did I say you need to do now?" This way he has to acknowledge that he heard you and what he needs to do.

Since the early 20th century, literally has been widely used as an intensifier meaning “in effect, virtually,” a sense that contradicts the earlier meaning “actually, without exaggeration”: The senator was literally buried alive in the Iowa primaries. The parties were literally trading horses in an effort to reach a compromise. The use is often criticized; nevertheless, it appears in all but the most carefully edited writing. Although this use of literally irritates some, it probably neither distorts nor enhances the intended meaning of the sentences in which it occurs. The same might often be said of the use of literally in its earlier sense “actually”: The garrison was literally wiped out: no one survived.

I am a father of a 5 year old boy. My wife and I are going through the same thing. What makes my position difficult is that my wife rarely follows through with her threats. As a result, our son never takes her seriously. (she's getting better.) I'm doing my best to follow through without being the bad guy all the time. Its hard, but he needs to know where the line is drawn. Respect is the key. Kids need to learn it. This is the perfect time of the year to get a jump on this kind of training.
After all... "Santa is watching..." Good luck to everyone in this situation.

i found that just setting a timer to make my 7 year old aware of passing time helped. it doesn't work for 'get your shoes on NOW or you'll miss the bus!', but it does help with "we need to be out of here in 20 minutes" especially if i ask him what needs to be done before we leave (and give myself an extra 5-10 minutes before we REALLY need to leave).

Turnabout is fair play. When your child tells you he/she needs a certain shirt for tomorrow, or cookies for a bake sale, or whatever -- simply "forget" to do it. They'll learn a valuable lesson.

Ok, so what's my 41 year old husbands excuse!!
Really now, what kind of "grown ups" are we making here?
If we keep treating them like babies we'll be sorry when they're in charge.
I just want done what I asked done, when I want it just like my boss, my parents, and their parents before them!!

my kid listens very well. my rule:

twice to be nice and then if he does not stop what he is doing, I tell him to get one of his favorite toys. We put it high up and then at any time during the day I to the warning of I asked twice to be nice, if I have to yell ,he usually drops what he is doing and if he doesn't the toy goes to the thrift shop. - consequeces. He is six.
twice to be nice and then consequences. Many parents, in my eyes are way too nice to their kids and try to reason with them bla bla bla

"Turnabout is fair play."

No it isn't! You're the adult; you're supposed to act like one and be a model for how your children should act, not for how they shouldn't act.

I think if you are yelling at your kid you are doing something wrong, not him.

Ditto 17. "Turnabout" to a 7 year old does not teach him or her right from wrong. In fact, it instills in the child that mom does not mean what she says and does not follow through -- a reinforcement of the very message mom needs to avoid, the very message mom has been inadvertently giving when she tells her child to do something 3 and 4 times without consequences.

" and even sending him to his room but nothing seems to stick for long"

Since when is being sent to your room some sort of punishment? What about sitting somewhere with NO stimulation/entertainment? Don't listen to Mom and get sent to my room? Sure! I still don't have to do what she asked me to do and I get to do whatever I want in my room now...

The key to consequences is that they be appropriate and *consistent.*

1. Do you let him keep a TV or computer in his room? If so, the threat of sending him there probably does not mean very much.

2. Slap him. You're still allowed to.

3. Maybe withhold something more serious.

Read Negotiation Generation. It provides strategies for dealing with these situations. Basically, the message is that you need to set limits and follow through with action as many other people have pointed out. The key is to follow through with ACTION and not words.

I'd like to ask, are you barking requests at your son?
I've found that direct eye-to-eye contact during dialogue makes a child respond to everything.
You can't expect kids to respect your and your wishes when you aren't giving him the simple respect of face time.
Of course if you're hollering from across the house, the old, "FIRST MIDDLE LAST, you come here right this second..." usually tells a kid you're serious.

Your son may have adhd. My daughter tunes me out and it's mostly bc of the adhd. You should have him tested through his school.

Kids are smart. They like everyone else will walk all over you if you only threaten them. They learn very the system very quickly. Thinking: "not serious... I still have time... still not quite serious... okay she's yelling now... I'll start listening."

My two suggestions:
1) Be firm: First have a talk with your child. They should know that ignoring a command or waiting until you are angry is the same as disobeying. Disobeying has consequences. Warnings are fine one time. But reasoning should come after consequences(punishment). You need to re-train your child to listen the first time. Not easy work but the solution is simple.
2)One way to make sure you know they heard you is to get them in the habit of saying "Yes Mommy" and "Yes Daddy".

Both of these suggestions come from a video series I watched called "Growing kids Gods way" There are many good suggestions in that series.

I am not sure if No Man was kidding or not about #2 (suggestions #1 and #3 are quite valid and made sense), but no, you are not "allowed" to slap or physically abuse children in this country.

#26, you are wrong. Corporal punishment is still allowed in a number of states -- indeed even in public schools. (MA is not one of them though.)

(There have been studies to determine whether spanking is psychically damaging...bottom line is, it depends upon cultural expectations...if it is culturally accepted, (reasonable) corporal punishment does not do psychic damage...if not, well, then it might.)

To #22 - Rebecca: "Negotiation Generation". Who's the author?

I believe the problem is that parents are "punished" for spanking their children. There is a big difference between child abuse and spanking to correct a negative behavior. The same "laws" and people that say you're not allowed to spank, are the same "laws" and people that will tell the parents of a juvenile delinquent "you need to take charge, you are the parent". It's much better to train a child while he is young, with a spanking if need be, than to visit him/her in jail later.

It's called being "selectively deaf" and it applies to all ages. I was spanked as a child and later on all my father had to say was, "I'll get the strap (belt)", and that threat was enough to make me behave. What are you- a nation of wimps? They're your kids, make them behave! And don't put the blame on the new flavor of the month-ADD.
My father was abused by his stepmother as a child, but aside from spanking he and my mother never laid a hand on me.

"#26, you are wrong. Corporal punishment is still allowed in a number of states -- indeed even in public schools. (MA is not one of them though.)

(There have been studies to determine whether spanking is psychically damaging...bottom line is, it depends upon cultural expectations...if it is culturally accepted, (reasonable) corporal punishment does not do psychic damage...if not, well, then it might.)"

Thank you for the correction. The LW is from Massachusetts, where corporal punishment is not allowed -- as you pointed out -- so it wouldn't be sound advice for the LW anyway.

There are better and more effective ways to discipline a child without using corporal punishment that do not cause psychological damage - I would advise the LW to use those (several have been suggested in the comments).