This 5-year-old is telling major lies

E-MAIL | LINK | ADD A COMMENT (1) Posted by Barbara F. Meltz November 10, 2009 06:00 AM

Hi Barbara,

My five-year-old son has been lying A LOT; however this one situation has me very concerned. My son and 2 other little boys lied about a 3rd grader bullying them. When I picked my son up from school, he informed me that an "older boy" gave him and his friends wedgies and wet them in the bathroom. This supposedly happened after P.E. I was obviously concerned so I spoke with his teacher about it and she informed me that she was looking into it. Come to find out, my son and the 2 other boys lied because they wanted to stay and play with the water in the bathroom so they assumed that by telling a lie, they would be OK. I am extremely concerned because he lied about something so serious and when I asked him to describe the "boy" who bullied them, he gave me a very descriptive description. He stated, he was a blond boy, who was wearing a Dallas Cowboy jersey, khaki pants and Rhino shoes. I spoke with the school principal and he and the other boys will serve lunch detention for what transpired. I am going to have him apologize to his teacher and principal for lying. One of the little boys that that was involved seems to have a lot of influence on my son. My son always speaks about him and says, he is our master, we have to listen to him. That little boy is always in trouble and I can't seem to understand why my son gravitates to him. PLEASE HELP.

From: Michelle, New York

Hi Michelle,

I agree, this is a pretty elaborate lie for a 5-year-old boy and it sounds like you and the school responded appropriately. Here's some food for thought.

(1) The four most typical reasons children this age lie: To avoid punishment; to get a reward; to keep a promise; to impress a peer.

(2) The typical 5-year-old is able to see that lying is unfair and to label it cheating. He also is able to understand that there are consequences for actions.

It's reasonable to assume that this other child, for reasons you may not understand, has undue influence over your son. It's also reasonable to assume that your son is able to see that this got him into trouble. Now would be a good time to have some conversations about friendship without relating it to this child and your son. For instance, find a reason to talk about some of your friendships; perhaps a friend has done something nice for you. Talk about the qualities you admire in a friend -- loyalty, trust, compassion. Talk about the qualities that would make you want to stop being friends with someone -- cheating, bullying, selfishness.

If you present it in this way, he will likely begin to put 2 and 2 together and come to the conclusion on his own that this boy isn't a person worthy of his friendship.

Also, he is still young enough for you to say simply, "This boy is not a good friend for you." You can't control what happens at school, but you can keep them from seeing each other outside of school. I wouldn't go so far as to say, "I don't want you to play with him anymore," because that usually backfires. But you can explain why he is not a good friend.

Lastly, the language your son used, "He is our master," does make me wonder: where is that coming from? Is it a line from a video? Try to find the source of the line and the script behind it. It could shed light on the boys' relationship and on their behaviors. This is definitely something I would want to know more about. Does that line ring a bell for anyone out there?

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1 comments so far...

There's a boy like that in my son's grade. It took until third grade for my son and some of his friends to realize that this kid is not someone they want to hang around with. Definitely talk about what makes a good friend, and encourage other friendships (play dates, etc). I also made the distinction that just because you play games with a kid at recess doesn't mean that you have to be friends with him.

Good luck!

Posted by akmom November 10, 09 09:17 AM

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about the authors

Lylah M. Alphonse is a member of the Globe Magazine staff and mom and stepmom to five kids. She writes about juggling a full-time career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day, and about everything else at Write. Edit. Repeat. When she's not glued to the computer or solving a kid-related crisis, she's in the kitchen or, occasionally, asleep.

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Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes; Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.