Question: Due to the high number of men (it seems to me that more men are unemployed or laid off in comparison to women) out of work; hence they are staying home carrying a lot of the domestic duties. Will this change in role responsibilities have any positive lasting effect on the psyche of men? Will men be able to understand women's issues more clearly? If so, what impact will that have on us as a society... if any?

From: Kate I., Acton

Hi Kate,

Your question gave me a good excuse to re-connect with Yale child psychiatrist Kyle Pruett, one of the nation's leading researchers on father involvement in child care.

When my husband and I became parents, my husband immediately assumed his share of parenting responsibilities. From day one, he was the one responsible for bathing; he changed as many diapers as I did and wore as deep a path as I did in our wood floors, trying to comfort our colicky baby. We took turns on everything, from feeding to bedtime reading, from pediatrician visits to video viewing.

I knew that this was all good -- good for me to have a true parenting partner, good for my husband to expand his nurturing side, good for our son to have a care-giving dad as a role model. Naturally, I researched a column on the topic and that's when I discovered Pruett, whose research supported my instincts.

So I called him regarding your question, too. His newest book, with his wife, Marcia Kline Pruett, is "Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently--Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage" (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2009).

We spoke on the phone last week. "Absolutely it will have positive lasting results," Pruett said.
“When the father finds himself in more hands-on, day-to-day duties, it is likely to not only increase his compassion for the work his wife has been doing, it’s also likely to change his perspective about who his children are, and to have a lasting effect on the next generation. “

Here’s what’s really interesting:

“When dads are involved,” Pruett says, “the dads are more emotionally open and women find them more interesting. More attractive.”

In terms of your question about long-term changes, Pruett says: “Both male and female children grow up seeing that the nurturing domain is an important place to be whether you're a man or a woman.”

There is a problem, though. For a dad to be involved, it takes a mom to be inclusive.

“Dads only become involved to the extent that the spouse can be welcoming and supportive of the job he is doing not based on whether he’s doing it the same way she would but on whether the job he is doing is meeting the needs of the children,” he says.

When the mother thinks her way is the only way and she’s critical and undermining of the dad, there are three distinct negative results:

1. The father begins to disengage as a father, leaving her with more parenting responsibilities
2. The father begins to disengage as a partner
3. The children have less regard for their mother and move emotionally closer to their father.

Take this quiz from Pruett's new book to see how you're doing to maintain your co-parenting partnership and this quiz, from the National Fatherhood Initiative, to see how well you are doing as a wife who encourages your husband to be a parenting partner. (Both quizzes are in the Pruetts' book; we reprint them here with permission from DaCapo Press; the accompanying text that you see is from the book.)

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