I highly recommend doing anything possible to make a picture of him available to her when you tell her about him. My mother and adoptive father told me about my biological father when I was 7 or 8 years old, and it wasn't until I was a teenager that my mother came across a picture of him to share with me. I would stare at it for hours wondering about him and trying to figure out if I looked like him. I'm now in my 30s and still have never met him, but have spoken to him on the phone a few times. I am also in contact with one of his three sons--my half-brother--and have met my biologicial grandparents on several occasions. These people are my family and their history is my history too. Your daughter deserves to have the choice to find out more about her biological family and reach out to them regardless of your feelings about your past. How would you feel if you had half of your history hidden from you for years? She deserves to know. Not telling her does not make the past magically go away.

My ex-husband didn't meet his father until he was in his early 30's and he harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards his mother over that. But becaue he also felt like she would lose her mind if he did tell her that he'd begun a relationship, he kept it secret for a couple of years.

She blew her top when she found out because, as it turns out, she'd also never told his younger sister, her only other child, that they had separate fathers.

Well, it came to light that his sister had known that for years prior, having figured it out on her own, and always wondered why her own mother lied to her too.

No, you need to tell her now and really, it should have been done before she was a teen if it was feasible.

"Leave it alone" is the worst thing you could do. It's bad enough, frankly, that you hid this from her for so long -- that you lied to her about who her family is. As a pp said, not telling her the truth does not make the past magically go away or change. If you leave it alone and continue lying to your daughter, she will be dealing with horrible feelings of rejection and abandonment, because the man she thinks is her father wants nothing to do with her (what a stellar guy, by the way). How is that better than owning up to the truth?

You need to apologize to her for not telling her sooner. Accept that she will be angry at you -- and that she is completely justified in being angry at you. But tell her the truth.

If you don't, it will come out eventually. If you're worried about your relationship with your daughter if you tell her the truth yourself, imagine how much worse it will be if you keep up the lie and she finds out elsewhere. And she will: that lovely ex of yours who wants nothing to do with her will at some point let it out, either to her directly when she tries to talk to him, or indirectly to her younger siblings. She will find out.

Why do people feel the need to lie to children like this? 99% of the time the truth will be far less harmful than the stupid lies adults dream up to try to "spare" the child's feelings.

Sure there are a few cases when a lie might be best, but they are few and far between.

Be honest with children or else you risk destroying them.

My 5 year old daughter does not know her father and probably never will. It is a very hard subject for me, I would never bring the subject up if I had the choice, but it's about my daughter not me. I told her that her father is unable to live near us, which is true, and she didn't ask much after that. She is surrounded by many loving family members, including my boyfriend, who is a great father figure to her. I’m sure every child would love to have mom and dad in the picture, but it doesn't always work that way. I'm sure when she is older I will have to get in to more detail, at that point she may have more questions and she can decide what she wants to do with the answers, but as for now I think that with all the loving people surrounding her, she doesn’t feel as though she has any missing pieces. I do understand how you felt, but I do believe that being dishonest with your child shouldn’t be an option, it’s more of an easy way out. Does she want to hear that her father is MIA, or in prison what ever the case may be. Does she want to feel different from other siblings? Probably not, but with love and support she will get through it. I think that you are in pretty deep right now (this is probably not going to go over well), but give it time.

I recommend watching the movie "Secrets and Lies". I saw it over the weekend and it happens to be quite relevant. Then tell the truth.

Molly, the truth is always the better way, even if the initial disclosure is uncomfortable, shamefull, or anything else that makes us feel bad.

I am adopted, and always knew I was. Believe me, it is always, always better to know the truth; my mother once told me they considered not telling myself or my sister that we were adopted, and I played out that scenario in my head, which ended up with me finding out and walking out of their lives forever with an anger that would never be assuaged.

To have an honest, truthful relationship with the people in your life you need to be truthful.

Practice if you need to, but take a deep breath, decide that the truth is good, steele yourself for possible backlash, and tell her what she deserves to know.

From a simple practical standpoint of family medical history, tell her. One would hope that your daughter would never need an organ transplant or other such problem - but you'd hate to have to tell your daughter when she's facing that kind of problem,"Oh, by the way the guy you thought was your father isn't, so he wouldn't be a suitable donor."