This toddler hits

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz March 9, 2010 06:00 AM

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Question: My 14 month old son loves to hit people's faces, but it hurts! How can I work with him to get him to stop hitting? I'm concerned because he is in daycare 5 days per week and I want to make sure he isn't hitting other babies. It seems as though it's something exploratory, but when I say, "No! Hitting hurts," he smiles and does it more (of course, right?!). Any suggestions would be appreciated. I want to nip this in the bud before it turns into something like biting!

From: South Boston Mom, South Boston

Hi South Boston Mom,

I'm sure you're right, that this is an exploratory behavior, in fact, I think of hitting and biting as a rite of passage in the social life of a toddler; it's hard for any child to get through this stage without being on the giving and receiving end.

I am surprised, though, that your caregivers haven't mentioned it. If it's happening at home, it's likely happening at day care and the first thing I want to know is what they are doing about it. For all you know, there is a child there who is a hitter and your son is learning the behavior because the caregivers aren't responding appropriately. Or -- and I know this sounds kind of unbelievable -- it's possible that a caregiver's inappropriate response is to hit back, perhaps the most inappropriate adult response possible (ditto if the behavior is biting.) Some adults think that by gently hitting or biting back and saying, "See how this feels? Don't do this! It hurts," they teach a child not to hit or bite, but the opposite is true. Anyway, you don't know any of this so you don't want to accuse the CG or put her on the defensive. Just tell her that you're seeing him hit at home and you're wondering if he's doing that at daycare. If she says yes, ask, "How do you handle it? Cause I could use some help."

Meanwhile, here are some ways to counter this at home:

* Anticipate when he might be getting frustrated and redirect his behavior before he gets to the point of hitting;

* Gently stop his arm mid-air. Tell him, "Hitting is no!"

* When he's on the verge of hitting, give him some simple words: "Instead of hitting, use your big boy voice to tell me, 'I want my turn!'"

* Reinforce positive behavior whenever you see it: "What a good job you did, using your words."

* If he's on your lap when he hits you and you've been cuddly & cozy together, immediately change your expression to one of displeasure but keep your tone calm and matter-of-fact. Remove him from your lap, stand up and say, "Hitting is no. I can't be with you when you hit.When you're ready to play without hitting, we can try again." If it happens again, separate yourself from him again -- and again. The consistency of your response gets the message across.

These also are the same responses you'd want to see at daycare, and they are the same responses if your child is biting. A good book on the subject is, "No Biting" by Gretchen Kinnell. And by the way, just because he's a hitter now does not mean he will be an aggressive child later. This is just a stage.

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3 comments so far...

My son did the same thing at that age. It didn't have anything to do with anger; he would just randomly smack my face. I immediately put him down and said something like, "no hitting--that hurts Mommy!" and then gave him the cold shoulder for about a minute. He outgrew it pretty quickly. I do think he was just experimenting. He's a happy, normal well-adjusted 11 y.o. now. : )

Posted by chilly March 11, 10 02:07 PM

I disagree with Barbara on a couple of point here, and that's a first for me. But in my experience with my 3-year-old (I know that's limited experience), my daughter often does not exhibit the same behaviors at child care as she does at home. The environments are so different, and the limit testing children exhibit with parents is different from what they may try with a caregiver. So I do not think your child is necessarily doing the same thing in child care, but, of course, ask your caregivers. Second, I think it's a leap to wonder if this is a behavior being modeled by your child's caregivers. It's completely normal and if you're otherwise happy with your child's care, don't jump to any conclusions.

Posted by M's Mom March 13, 10 07:09 PM

I can't imagine a 14-month-old has enough big boy words to express himself.

Posted by ez March 15, 10 02:28 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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