As I child, and now as an adult, I do not like physical contact, the idea that anyone would force a child (or an adult) to be touched when they do not want to be is repulsive. People (even children) have right to decide when, where, and by whom they are touched, by violating this basic boundry you are telling the child that they don't control their own body which to me is a dangerous idea.

Bob, I was angered by the fact that the stepdad pushing affection like that...to threaten punishment for not giving a hug or kiss...That, in my mind, is very inappropriate! . Personally, someone needs to explain to the stepdad that is not a lesson he wants to be teaching her. If she doesn't want to hug/kiss she should not be forced to. Simple. talk to the stepdad or ask the mom to step in. It isn't appropriate.
My mom also tries to force the affection, and it drives me crazy. I have to tell her to back off a bit and drop the issue. For my mom it is more about her than it is that she loves to see the kid. I guess she feels slighted. Crazy.

Bob -- your story has me so worried for your poor little granddaughter. This is not just inappropriate, it feels sketchy to me. Icky. Physical force?? Threats of punishment?? At best, the stepdad is woefully ignorant. At worst, he is abusive to his stepdaughter and you are seeing only a quarter of what is going on.

Someone needs to step in and protect this little girl. Talk to her mother. Reach out to the dad (not stepdad) if mom will not listen. If nothing else, at the very least, *please* make every effort to reach out to your granddaughter and make sure she is okay. I know she is only 2 and will not be able to articulate what is going on and what she feels, but even so she may need someone to help her.

Sorry, Bob. Its definitely an uncomfortable situation, and conversation you are going to have to have. But I think you definitely need to stand up for your grand daughter.
As far as affection in general, it is up to the child. Although, I do believe it is appropriate to make your kids say hello to family members, etc. We tell our daughter that a kiss means you love someone. So, it is up to her who she wants to express that to.

why is this such a big deal? its a child's body and if they don't want someone touching it, hugging it, kissing it - RESPECT THEIR WISHES! if they don't want a hug - for pete's sake its not a sensory issue - its they dont want a hug!
children are people - and they should have control over their own bodies and who is allowed to touch them.
i know i dont make my kids hug, kiss anyone. and if that bothers the adult its too darn bad. i want my kids to feel they are able to tell adults - no i'm not comfortable with you touching me. just because its 'upsets the grandparents' well they need to get over it.
for cryin out loud - making kids feel as though an adult force affection is how kids get molested.
nanna, gramps, aunties - whoever- just get over it!!!

Kissing mom, there's no way showing affection to your child can make him less affectionate. Every single mother I know shows lots of affection to her young child. It's just that some people aren't naturally affectionate as they get older. I'm like this and it sounds as if your son is, too. The most important thing you can do is to let him know that he is normal and in control of his own body.

Bob in CA, wow! The first thought in my head when I read your letter was that your granddaughter's step dad is a pedophile. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm jumping to conclusions, but it is NOT normal to threaten punishment for refusing to hug or kiss. That little girl's instincts are absolutely right and they best thing you can do for her is to teach her to trust herself. Even if step-dad is just aggressive and not actually sick, he still needs to be stopped before he does serious damage. I would report him to social services. Having another set of eyes take a look at the situation can only be a good thing for this little girl.

When I was little, we had a lot of extended family we'd see from time to time. My mother ALWAYs made me go kiss all these unfamiliar aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. that I hardly knew. I had to be "respectful". I hated it but didn't question it much because it was expected of me, even though I always felt uncomfortable. I DO NOT force my kids to give anyone a hug or kiss. They typically do for my parents, and mostly my grandparents, but when they don't go running, my grandmother acts all offended. If one does and the other doesn't she'll say, "that's o.k., so and so loves me", or something to that affect. It drives me crazy! I know she thinks I'm supposed to make them, but I refuse to do it. I tell them ahead of time to be polite and acknowledge people, but don't make them have contact. Anyone besides my parents and grandparents, they just give a wave or handshake and that's fine with me.

Bob, you and the rest of the family should confront this person, in front of the child if necessary. Otherwise, you, along with her step-father, are sending the message that she's on her own, that if she says "no", someone bigger and stronger will overpower her until she gives in, and no one who claims to love her will step in to defend her. Yes, she's only 2, but she's already learning about her world: is it safe or threatening? Do her caretakers keep her safe and meet her needs? Do people who claim to love her treat her with kindness and respect? From your brief letter, it seems she does not live in a safe, respectful environment, and her voice is not being heard.

The fact that step-dad persists in doing this in front of others (and that granddaughter is so adamant about resisting) makes me fear what he insists on when no one is looking. Step-dad is either an ignorant immature person who is more concerned with his feelings than the child's, or he's getting ready to molest her. Either way, someone has to intervene and advocate for this little girl, As her grandparent, you're in a good position to do that. Don't wait. The behavior you describe will not magically get better your granddaughter as gets older.

I agree that when kids start demonstrating that they'd rather not hug/kiss someone, adults should start asking the child for a hug/kiss, and respect the child's answer.

I HATE it when I'm visiting with friends and when I leave the parents force the child to give me a hug. Why do so many parents do this?? I've started trying to be proactive and before the parents can say anything I'll go over and ask the child if I can have a hug. If they don't want to, that's ok with me! This is also if I know the child well - if they do not know me, I will not ask and if the parents try to insist, I try to say, "please don't insist" but sometimes they do anyway! I do not get it.

Like Mom2boys, I was forced to hug and kiss strange relatives as a child, along with one cousin (male) who is a few years older than me, which got more and more awkward through the teenage years. I think he liked it a bit too much. To this day, I just want to avoid him and my mom can't figure out why.

I am very worried for Bob's granddaughter - I hope this stepdad can learn to tone it down before real damage is done. If he can't, I hope he is removed from the child's life.

Once boys get to that fully verbal stage, they seem to prefer to be the ones to initiate hugs/kisses. They will certainly go looking for affection, and they will walk off when they have got their fill.

So asking or offering is the way to give them space.

I'm not sure about trading a kiss for a snack. I think it's healthier to make sure that affection is untainted by any other motivation, then all parties know it's sincere.

And forcing yourself on an unwilling child to the point of threatening punishment--THAT'S ABUSE NOT AFFECTION.

Made me sick that Mom said she wanted a kiss before giving the kid a treat. Are you that desperate for affection, mom? Also, what a way to set the kid up for some weird issue in the future.

I think parents and people tend to treat kids like pets. There to serve you. My nephew is great, but sometimes my brother encourages him to be too friendly, "Go kiss Grammy." God.

I always ask my nephew, "Can I have a hug?" If he says no, no.

I have a number of other examples where parents treat kids like pets but I won't continue with that here.

Most American people are normally sad .....cold because can not show the love they feel about each other.....that is why this country live in deep depression ,sick .....think that hugs and kisses are sexual act.
You can see in most countries it is really bad attitude when you do not hug or kiss ..happy people happy countries...life is too short to be in a bad mood all the time....think about

As an adult I can honestly say I have met many people who are just not comfortable with too much physical affection. It doesn't mean they're cold or mean, it just means that they have different ways of expressing their love for others. This is especially common among boys.
As for Bob's story, the step dad sounds like a pedophile. The only reason I say this is because he threatened his 2 year old daughter and forced physical affection on her when she clearly said no. The fact that he is not related to her makes it even more sketchy because he does not have that direct blood line connection to her so it's easier for him to see her as an object, and not a relative deserving respect. If all he wanted was a hug/kiss, then why did he get so upset when she said no? Think about that. Perhaps it's because he secretly wanted something more. If you do not talk to him about this soon it can become a form of molestation pretty fast. I was molested by my grandparents and my aunt when I was younger because they were always grabbing my butt and they would forcefully dig their fingers so deep it went up into my vagina a few times. After 13 years of making excuses for them my dad finally told to them that the behavior was wrong and it made me uncomfortable. They got very upset after that and they have not spoken to me ever since I called them out on it. I am an adult now, I am old enough to make my own decisions and if physical contact makes me uncomfortable I have a right to say no. A child also has the same rights to say no because it is their body---nobody else's.

Omg everybody need to calm down with the pedophile accusations. It is entirely possible that this father loves this child and genuinely gets his feelings hurt as is common with so many grandparents to get their feelings hurt when a child rejects them. Could he be asked to handle it differently, sure. Talk to the mom about it 1st and she will tell him to cut it out.

People become so judgmental once they get on line. Reminds me of what it might have been like back in the days when women were burn at the stake if they were even suspected of practicing magic.