Dear Barbara,

From: CarrieFran, Boston

Dear CarrieFran,

It's hard enough on a toddler when the baby is just a typical baby, with some crying, but a fussy baby has to have him thinking: "I liked it better Before Baby! Maybe if I complain enough, they'll take her back where they got her!" And then when it doesn't work, he just tries even harder!

A toddler is a very self-centered being. At some level, he understands that this baby isn't going away, but he wants to be the center of your universe, just like before. Every time you pay attention to that baby, it's a reminder that she's still here. Nightmares, by the way, are one way these strong feelings come out. They may also surface in aggression toward the baby. Don't ever leave him alone with her! Impulse control is not a toddler's strong suit.

Here are some strategies:

Start with some good old-fashioned honesty, and grant him his wish in fantasy: "Your sister sure does cry a lot, doesn't she? That happens with babies. I bet you wish she wasn't even living here right now...." Don't worry, you are not planting that thought, you're helping him feel less guilty for having it. And don't even bother with the dose of reality, "But she's here forever, buster!" Just let the empathy/fantasy sit there for a while. Don't wait for the baby to be crying to offer this thought for the first time; just throw it out there sometime, and then it can be a reminder when she cries.

At a different time, tell him, "You know, your sister won't always be such a little baby. Little babies just cry and poop and pee and eat and sleep. When she grows up a little bit, she'll smile and laugh and talk baby talk."

For sure, give him that special time alone each day, call it Mom Time and arrange it so that if the baby cries, someone else is there to care for her. Tell him, "this is our special time, just for you and me." Five or 10 minutes is plenty, try to build it into the daily routine so he comes to count on it.

Catch him being good. Find reasons to praise him, but make sure the reasons are genuine. A little praise can go a long way. Don't over-do the "big brother" stuff, though, that can backfire. Right now, he doesn't like this baby. Why would he want constant reminders about being a good big brother?

Find ways for him to be helpful. Look for real ways to make him feel important and grown up without using those words. Let him know what a "big help" he is TO MOM or TO DAD (not to the baby). That will come later.

Regression is gonna happen. It's also gonna disappear, but the more attention you give the behavior, the longer it will last. In fact, consider your attention fuel for the fire. Keep your affect as matter of fact as possible. If he has an accident, clean up and change him without much comment, even ask him to help. Avoid blaming or angry statements. After a tantrum, offer him a hug. One of his worries could be that you don't have enough love for him and a baby. You could even frame that thought for him: "Do you know that after a baby is born, some boys and girls wonder if a mommy has enough love for her boy and the baby. They do! Moms have sooo much love, and they always love their boy even when a baby comes. Would you like a big hug right now?!"

There will be time when you feel guilty that you aren't giving your second-born the kind of attention your first had as a baby. It's the nature of the game, don't berate yourself. These are all stages that do pass. And don't forget that when you're sleep deprived, everything is harder to deal with. So here's my last suggestion: Find a way to make some time for yourself to do something you enjoy, even for just half an hour. I know that may sound impossible, but I bet you can do it.

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.