Single new mom looking for support
I'm a young professional single mom to a 4 week old. The baby's father left me midway through the pregnancy, he has had no involvement with the baby so far, this is not by my choice. He has also provided zero financial support, something that I'm trying to fix asap.
I'm really enjoying motherhood but being alone with a newborn has been difficult. It will only get more difficult when I return to work full time. I'm afraid of the challenges both emotional and financial that lie ahead. I'm afraid of what my son's life will be like without a father figure.
I know there are other new mom groups out there, but the "single" part feels like something that other new moms might not understand. While pregnant, I attended a prenatal yoga class. It was a good experience, but I was the only single person. Hearing other women talk about the help their husbands gave them was difficult. Even being a single mom in the hospital was hard. Nurses would ask why I was alone and where my husband was. It was both embarrassing and painful to correct them.
Do you know of any support groups for single new moms?
I have confidence in my ability to be a mom, I don't have a lot of new mom anxieties that I hear many women talk about, probably because I've just done it all by myself from day one. The problem is I need support for all the baggage associated with the being single part. Advice on career/mom balance, how to fulfill the roles of both "mom" and "dad", dealing with legal matters, staying sane, and how to approach dating again someday (I doubt this will be anytime soon).
Any advice would be great. Thank you.
From: Single New Mom, Boston
Dear Single New Mom,
Single parenting raises its own unique set of challenges, for sure. Check out the "Meet Up" groups for single parents. If there isn't one near you (and sorry to say, best as I can tell, the nearest one is in Woburn), there's all kinds of info about how to start an on-line group.
Next, let me introduce you to your new BFF, Leah Klungness. Leah is co-author, with Andrea Engber, of "The Complete Single Mother, third edition," and the founder of SingleMommyhood.com (dads, don't be put off by the name, it's for you as well). Almost all the issues you raise in your email are addressed on the site and Leah answers questions, too.
By the way, 26% of children in the US today are being raised by single moms. You are not alone, even if it feels that way.
About the author
Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.
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Wow, you have my admiration!! In addition to connecting with single parents, don't forget your child-free friends. With women putting off marriage and family until later or deciding not to have kids altogether, I feel like there are lots of friends who wouldn't mind having some hands-on baby time. If your friends are offering to watch the baby or even just come over for tea, take them seriously.
A book I'd really recommend (as far as going back to work is concerned) is Nursing Mother, Working Mother. Even if you aren't sure about the nursing part, this is the book I found that most directly addressed my concerns about going back to work and what "balance" really means.
Best wishes - keep reaching out for support. You shouldn't be alone or be made to feel embarrassed or different.
My ex-husband left me at 8 months pregnant, and even though I had a ton of family and friend support, I did it all alone. I was in the hospital alone after I had my son, and my ex-husband was not involved before or after. It was not by my choice, either.
I, too, felt embarrassed to be alone and to have to explain why his father wasn't around. It's a lonely sad guilty feeling to bring a newborn home alone and have that first night alone and see all the new amazing developments alone. It takes a lot of self-motivation and strength to deal with the legal aspects.
As for the new mom difficulties, I didn't experience them. either. Outside of some frustration as he got a little older and wanting to give up because of the sheer exhaustion of being a single mom with a career, the overall picture didn't really seem so bad. I had family and friends willing to watch my son while I got back out there and dated.
After a year and a half, I moved in with a friend and her daughter who were in the same situation as us so we could support each other. Not only was it a blast, but it was just that - supportive. We were also able to learn from each other as moms. We would watch each other's kids and get out for breaks. The kids had someone as well day in and day out. I met my new and FINAL husband shortly after my friend and I moved in together. Now my husband and my son have quite an incredible bond.
I'm so lucky. I stayed strong, allowed myself to have my feelings, took support from friends and family, sought out individual therapy, and persevered. It's going to be a roller coaster, no doubt, but one day you'll look back and feel so accomplished and proud of yourself.
I love to share my story and if you ever need someone to talk with I'd be happy to. Please feel free to reach out and email me if you're interested. (Ed. Note: Letter-writer, write to community@boston.com and we will send you Karyn's email address.)
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