Hi Barbara,

Dear NoName,
Sounds like your son has you two wrapped around his little finger, which isn't good for him (it makes a child feel too powerful) or for you. Children want to feel they have some control over their world (it's why we give them age-appropriate choices), but they also feel most secure when they know the adults in their life are in charge, keeping them safe.

1. "Stupid" is a very popular word among the preschool set so dad can let go of his guilt trip; your son likely heard it before and after dad said it, and OK, yeah, dad saying it probably added cachet, but kids this age glom onto this word so much because it carries lots of power: It gets adults to pay attention, and it gets them pretty darned upset. I think there are two good ways to handle this. One is to tell him, "'Stupid' is not a nice word. It hurts people's feelings. I can't listen to you when you use that word." Then turn your back on him whenever he says it. The other is to tell him, "Go into the bathroom and say 'stupid' as loud as you want, for as many times as you want. After that, no more 's' word. I won't listen to you when you say it."

2. Being consistent means responding in the same predictable way every time. Otherwise, a child just keeps pushing because he's trying to figure out where the boundaries are: "What happens if I do this again? What about this time? And this time? What do I have to do to get mom to be in charge?" Being consistent takes time, patience and repetition. Since you're acknowledging that you lack in the consistency department, it will take that much more time for him to see that you mean what you say. This is about you, not about him. You have to be prepared to make sacrifices. You go into a restaurant. You tell him, "Remember the restaurant rule: We use our inside voice in a restaurant. Otherwise, we can't stay." Ten minutes later he's shouting. Do you heatedly tell him, "No shouting! Remember the restaurant rule?" or do you pick him up and carry him outside? No matter how much he screams. No matter how many people stare. Some parents think of this as a "Shock & Awe" strategy. I like it because it works.

3. Hurting the baby, even if you aren't sure it's purposeful, is not acceptable, of course. Since you know he's prone to this behavior, do not leave him alone with his brother. Keep an eagle eye on him because now your best strategy is to be able to stop him before he does something hurtful, when you think he's thinking about it. Kids are impulsive, they don't give you a whole lot of warning, but generally if he's winding up and getting frustrated about something, and he has a history of taking it out on the baby, well, that's your cue: "I can see you're getting frustrated. Use your words to tell me." If his arm is raised to hit, stop it mid-air: "No!" In a quieter moment, you can tell him, "You know, it's my job is to take care of you and make sure you are always safe. It's my job to do that for your brother, too." You don't need to spell out that you're protecting the baby from him; he'll get it and, in his own way, he's happy to hear you say so.

4. Lastly, you and your husband may benefit from a few sessions with a parenting coach (I do this, although geography is not working with us here), especially if you find yourself frequently frustrated and out of patience with him. That's not going to help your relationships or the dynamics over time.