From: Young Mom, Philippines

I have a 10 year old daughter, Leen. She’s my only child. Sometimes, I feel she’s so happy about herself, telling me that she’s popular, smart and all kids in her school tend to ask her questions and help with their projects and presentations. Other times, she’s down and almost in tears until I ask her what’s wrong, and surprisingly she answers me that:

1. She feels lonely and left out at school.

2. She doesn’t belong to any group. The girls in her class are divided into two groups: the popular and the cool. When I ask her, where do you feel you belong, she tells me in the cool group....[But] she says that she only has one close friend at that group but the rest aren’t. So I tell her its okay, just hang out with them and you might all get a long in time. She says that she is not accepted by others in the cool group! Whenever she tries to hang out with them, they just don’t show interest and make her feel invisible! The popular group’s answer is always no whenever she asks them to hangout, or …

3. She tends to participate in games, extracurricular activities in the recess time because she doesn’t have friends.

4. At Leen’s birthday, everybody was invited to her birthday. None of her friends invites her to his/ her birthday! What makes it worse; she was stopped once with one of her classmates to give an invitation to her birthday party. Then, she apologized for not having a card for Leen when she searched through the cards. ...[but didn't have one for her.] I told my daughter not to keep her feelings to herself and to express herself to her friend appropriately! I told her that she should have said to her friend: “It’s perfectly okay that you don’t have a card for me. ... It’s really not nice to hurt others feelings by letting them know that you’re having a party and he/ she is not invited.”

Those are some stories from the top of my head. I don’t know what to do. It hurts that my daughter is becoming an unhappy child. She used to have this big smile on her face all the time, not anymore. I felt that she wasn’t coping well socially through the last year, talked to her class teachers but they didn’t have or didn’t tell comments in particular. So, I thought to give it some time and see how it goes, maybe she’ll figure out her own way with people. Well, it’s not happening! I totally feel my daughter suffering like I never felt her so. Please help and advice.

Thanks,
From: Cecelia, Canada (no city given)

He has always been this way - not just with her, but with us as well. I also observe him kissing her sometimes when he hugs, again making those sounds. His mannerisms remind me of an adult.

We are an affectionate family and I certainly don't mean to discourage closeness, but this makes me uncomfortable!

Thank you!
From: Ann, Buffalo, NY

Thank you!
From: Carolyn, Plaistow, NH

I'm struggling with how to tell the children from my first marriage that they are going to have a new half-sibling and I hoped for some advice.

Over 4 years ago their mother and I split up and I moved out. It took quite a while for us to initiate and finalize a divorce but that was eventually done last summer, almost 3 1/2 years after we separated. Not long after the separation I began a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman (I lived on the East Coast and she lived in California). Almost a year ago I moved to California. We agreed not to tell my children (ages 21 and 18) about her until after the divorce was finalized. Finally, almost 6 months after the divorce and almost a year after I moved, they visited California and met my new partner for the first time. The visit went well and was without drama. However, just before they visited, we learned that we are expecting (we are delighted). We didn't tell them at the time but we are now through the first trimester and I need to break the news. Would you please provide me with some advice on how to bring this up? My son is 21 and a senior in college on the east coast and my daughter is 18 and a freshman so it's not feasible for me to do this in person. My relationships with them are not great, we rarely speak, though not through lack of my trying. I'm very anxious about this and am deeply concerned that this will be a huge wedge in an already fragile relationship. My partner and I both feel that we would like my children to be part of our lives and to also have a relationship with their new half-sibling. Also, should I tell their mother directly or let the children break the news to her? If you suggest that I tell her directly, is that something I should do subsequent to telling my kids? What insights might you have for us?

My 23-month old is biting a lot at daycare, usually 3+ times a week for the past month or so. She does not bite at home. Daycare is concerned enough to want to test her for development and personality issues. She is highly verbal and highly possessive of "her" things ("Mine" may be her favorite word) and from the teacher's reports, most of the biting is usually over a toy and she usually uses her words before biting. Otherwise, she is really easy going child and while she has her moments, she is easily distracted out of them and her tantrums usually last for only 1-2 minutes.

The classroom she is in includes 10 other children, all within 3 months of her age and 2-3 teachers. She has been at this daycare since she was 2 months old and most of the children have been together the entire time.

Each time she has bit, we talk about it and I express to her the need to be "nice and gentle" with her friends. The teachers say they respond by removing her from the situation and have tried to offer her teethers.

We went to a pediatric dentist 2 months ago (regularly scheduled visit and not biting related) and he said all her teeth were in, so I do not think she is teething.

What do you think could be causing the biting? Because she is so verbal compared to her peers, could she be frustrated by their lack of verbal skills? As she is not biting in front of me, what can I do as a parent do reinforce the "no biting?" Is she too young to offer rewards/punishments hours after the biting incident (a sticker for making it through the day without biting?) What do you think of the daycare's suggestion for developmental and personality testing?

Thank you!
From: Mom of biting toddler, Boston area

I have 3 boys (7, 5 and 2).

My oldest was recently diagnosed (in June) with ADHD (hyperactivity/impulsivity) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He was always a challenge for us to parent. My hope was that his behavior was just a phase and that he would gow out of it. But here I am years later, and his behavior is still a huge concern.

It has become more and more apparent since he is now in school. Peer relationships are difficult for him. He is loud, doesn't get along well with most peers, and sometimes has threatened or hit them. He is bossy with his younger brothers (they do not have ADHD), overreacts to the most minimal situations, swears and talks back to me (tells me he wishes I was dead), etc. Time outs, loss of privileges, you name it, I have tried it.

I did not want to put him on meds, but now it seems like the only option sometimes. I have changed his diet (limit his sugar and dairy intake, colors, and additives) and have him take supplemental vitamins and minerals.

We keep him as active as we possibly can (daily biking, swimming, karate). He gets weekly psychosocial therapy with a social worker (I also see the same social worker for parent training sessions). He will be starting a social skills group soon. Also during school, he will see the school psychologist weekly, and receive speech therapy (social pragmatics).

His behavior just seems so out of control most days (there is always an incident with his siblings everyday), that I can't take it anymore. The child psychiatrist said that this was a mild form of ADHD. It does not seems mild to me. Sometimes, I just want to throw in the towel and go for the meds but will that actually change his behavior or I am just taking the easy way out?

At my wits end, Newton, MA

I'd like to stop breastfeeding for my 1-year old daughter, Rina, because she is going to become 2 years old in 2 months! But she loves to continue it. How can I stop it? Every time I ask her if I can stop it or not, she refuses it strongly.

From: Masako, Japan

Our family will be moving some time in the next year or year and a half, and we are trying to figure out the timing. I'd like your advice on how traumatic a mid-year school change would be for our 4-year-old son, as opposed to one during the summer. He just turned 4, and is in a private 3-day-a week preschool now, where he's doing well. He's smart but naturally cautious and self-conscious, and our main worries about him are social, as he's slow to warm up to new friends and situations. His current preschool teacher says he's been starting to initiate interactions with other kids lately, though, which we've been thrilled to hear.

He will start kindergarten next year, and we're debating 3 different scenarios; a) to move this summer and have him start a new school in September (it would be a little difficult to do the move this soon for financial reasons, and it may entail actually moving twice, though the second move would be within the same town); b) to stay where we are, have him start a new school year in a new class at either his current private school or at the local public school, and then move mid-year (this second option would entail starting out with my husband having a 45 minute commute); or c) waiting another full year in our current location, then moving the summer after his first year of kindergarten (but with Daddy having a long commute all year).

So I guess my question is: will changing schools be easier or harder as he gets older? Is a mid-year school change likely to be as traumatic for him as it was for me when my family moved when I was in 3rd grade? (I was shy, too, and it was very hard). Would you judge that a longer commute for Daddy would be as hard as changing schools?
Thanks so much for any advice!

From: Carriefran, Boston

Unfortunately, I just found out our district is moving to an "embedded" half-day program, which means all the kids are in one class together, but the half-day kids (of which there are fewer) will be sent home before lunch, while the rest of the class will stay. Am I overreacting to think this is a slightly cruel thing to do to the half-day kids? I am imagining that the full-day kids will have more time getting to know their friends and their teacher, putting the half-day kids at a big social disadvantage.

I was a big fan of the half-day program, when it was a group of kids who were set as true peers in the classroom. This change has me considering a switch to the full-day program, which isn't at all what I'd envisioned. (My son is in his second year of pre-school, but going from three mornings a week to five full days seems like a drastic change for him.) Since he's my oldest, I don't know what to expect from kindergarten, but I assume there is a lot more traditional teaching, as opposed to the free play learning he is used to at preschool.

Also, and we are expecting a new baby this summer. I feel like all these changes may be too much for my little guy. I know they seem like a lot to me!

I would appreciate any advice you may have. Thank you.
From: Tracy, Scituate, MA

From: Sarah, Avon, MA

From: Maggz, Los Angeles

I assured that it would not matter to me at all, but she may be a little young to know conclusively. What do you think? Could she know?

Good Day!

My question is how to deal with a 2 year old daughter who, in her early age, is already a brat? Spoiled by my mother in law and some other member of the family? Give me some advice in good parenting.

From: Gel C, Phillipines

From: Heather, Toronto