You could try talking to your doctor to see if you can get on some medication to control your anger. I am married to someone who went through this and the medication helped him. There were some initial side effects till he adjusted to the correct dosage but he has benefitted from being able to control his temper as needed.

You are out of control, and if you think that your deluding yourself as being, ”...mostly a good guy, I am a gentleman, kind, caring, thoughtful, empathetic, emotionally available and passionate and loving toward my wife,” then the best thing you could do would be to get out of their lives forever, except to send them a monthly check.

I think the real main issue has not been mentioned in this letter.

Has the LW made sure that his physician knows about these symptoms? Has the LW insisted on being screened for adult ADHD as well as other professional assessment and CARE? Has the LW tried psychotherapy to resolve some of his own childhood issues? Have possible nutritional deficiencies like vitamin B malabsorption/genetic errors been tested for---these are well known to contribute to mood swings similar to the LW's.

It's OK to tell your kids that "daddy is sick" or "mommy is sick". What leaves scars on the kids is when the sick parent does not seek effective medical help. That sends the unspoken message that the kids will also be neglected if they become sick for any reason...

Sticking names like "histrionic personality disorder" onto problems is useless if there is no followup treatment that shows progress over time. The treatments for most vitamin deficiencies are simple and safe: one supplement a day. The treatment for adult ADHD is also safe and happens to make a world of difference according to the people who have insisted on correct assessment. The understanding that ADHD occurs in adults is a very recent development.

The only useful diagnosis is the one that leads to a truly effective improvement of symptoms.

You choked your son to "teach him a lesson". What would have happened if your wife wasn't there?

In my opinion, your children are not safe with you in the home until you get your disorder under control.

You can apologize all you want after your outbursts, but every time you lose it, you are damaging your children by making their world a scary place.

You might think you're an awesome guy with a disorder, but I think your wife would have a different opinion.

I know this may seem harsh, but sometimes, when you put the facts in black and white, they're a lot clearer than when they're in your head.

I urge you to seek additional professional help to get your outbursts under control. You must break the cycle. I wish you the very best!

Wow.

Honestly, if I chose to tolerate this for myself I could live with this if I rationalized it enough. But if I decided to marry a man with problems like this, that decision would have been paired with a decision to NOT have children.

I'm sorry if that is not constructive or helpful - but you are kidding yourself if you think good manners and the other positive qualities you list make it ok to demostrate the negative qualities you go on to list.

Not every person needs to be a 'breeder'. Why would you subject a child to these genes and this environment? It makes no sense to me.

I think that this man should be praised that he has the guts to ask for help and recognise that he has anger issues. Unlike number 2 comment above which is cruel and hurtful. This person has onviously never had depression. I think- jonas keep seeking the advise of prefessionals and perhaps getsome medication for anxiety/depression. Dont feel like you are a failure if you need help as a parent. I am a parent and it is the hardest job in the world. As with your relationship with your wife- keep working at it, maybe once you get your own feelings under control that will improve but try and walk away instead of staying and fighting. All parents fight in front of their kids at some point and yes its horrible for kids to listen too but they will get over it, noone is perfect and i think as a society we need to start recognising that as human beings we have faults and that includes parenting. The sooner we do that, the sooner parents can stop beating themselves up and start realising the good things they do- the little things we do day in and day out. Just love your kids- tell them you love them and show you love them, but dont beat yourself up if you slip up once in a while. Best wishes..

I agree with many points above.But at least this LW recognizes the problem and is trying to take responsibility for his mistakes. While there are cases where the monthly check(as another commenter pointed out) is the best in many situations, It may or may not be in this one. I am glad that this LW wants to change. Many people don't even see themselves as having a problem. LW, you NEED professional help and maybe meds like another commenter mentioned ( Then again,I am not a doctor) But seek it and continue on with it. Involve your wife too. But yes, if no REAL efforts are taken, I don't see how your wife and children will trust you. Talk to your doctor and he/she can help you find a program and/or therapy. Don't wait.
None of these commenters are the perfect parent and neither am I.
I agree with many comments about how "not every person needs to be a breeder"..... among some other comments.....I do typically wholeheartedly agree with those statements. But the fact is, these children do already exist and time cannot be turned back. Best of Luck to you and your family. I hope you break that cycle because you certainly don't want your children to become how YOU are now. They will if you don't do anything.

Question rephrased:

Is it okay to abuse my wife in front of my kids as long as I explain why I'm abusing her to my kids?

No. Ralph Waldo Emerson said this on behalf of your kids: "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." You've defined the abuse cycle in your actions: Be a good guy, abuse, apologize, explain, promise to get help, be a good guy, abuse, apologize, explain, promise to get help, be a good guy, abuse...

Good for you for seeking help. Be serious about it, and actually get help, because talking about how you need it and ACTUALLY following through are two different things, and they're the difference between bad husband/dad who talks a lot, and good husband/dad who acts in the best interest of his family.

Good luck.