Barbara, do you think it's okay for this child to be disrespectful to these grandparents to their face and for them to not say anything?

Isn't it okay to do a simple "In our home, it's not okay to call other people bad names." or similar.

Dear Mick,

I have some ideas for you which all assume that your grandchild does not have serious issues, and is a normal kid who just needs a bit of coaxing in the right direction.

I think when your grandson (or anyone!) says something rude to you, it is okay to -- without anger -- say "Please don't say that." You can add why, like "that hurts my feelings," or "that is rude." You can also use humor in these situations -- "Ow! that hurt my ears!" Just any statement that gives the child a chance to pause and rethink is helpful and usually doesn't come across as scolding. It's also okay to state the house rules, if these problems occur in your home. For example, "The rule in this house is we don't call each other 'stupid'."

As for the bullying, generally disagreements between children should be left to the children to work out between themselves, unless someone is getting hurt. In that case, of course you can step in. Also, if an argument occurs that the children don't seem to be able to resolve, you can be a mediator, where you help *them* find their own solution by asking questions. ("You both want that toy. What do you think we should do so you both get a turn?")

There are lots of ways to teach your grandson better behavior, and most of them are by example. Sometimes the child you find the most difficult is the one in most need of some one on one time. You might find that your ideas on better ways to behave will be absorbed by your grandchild if you use love and a little subtle persuasion.

If something is wrong or rude, impolite, too loud, too rough, offensive, or otherwise objectionable, don't tell a kid not to do it because it hurts your feelings. Then it's about your feelings, the natural response to which is "too bad for you." Also don't make it sound like Grandma pulled a rule out of her ear just because she doesn't like something. "We are polite in this house" not "In our house I have a rule that we don't say XXX."

Yes, they should take others' feelings into account--feelings can be part of the "why" we don't do rude things--but don't sidestep the idea that there is something that's right (or generally agreed upon custom) and that one needs to know what that is.

In your own house, you can pretend to be deaf to comments or interruptions that are rude.

In your own house, you can say "In Grandma's house we do not interrupt" FYI the child's parents must also respect this rule in your house. Give them a heads up that you WILL address unacceptable behaviour directly, and then do so directly and quietly in your house.

It is PROFOUNDLY important to teach children that there are limits. Normal children learn that Grandma has one set of rules, Nanny next door has another set, school has a specific set, and home (hopefully) also has a set of rules. No rules at home is a dangerous precedent.