Even identical twins are not identical. You need to treat each child according to her needs, not according to her sister's needs. I'm sure they realize there are differences between them -- assure each that she is important to you by acknowledging and supporting those differences.

I'm so curious to know what exactly you mean by struggle and if its really necessary to hold back in the first place. I mean if the child is obviously not capable of the work, then holding back makes sense and of course sibling should not be treated alike just because they are siblings or twins. But there are times when holding back does not solve the issue at hand. I also think this is really late to hold back any child and wonder if this could cause unintended problems.

know someone who kept her twins back a grade, even though one was clearly capable of being in the grade ahead. This was also done at entry to kindergarten, not third grade. They were really not as disparate as these two seem to be--the girl was clearly ready to move on, but there was concern with the boy and his maturity level. They easily made our cut off for kindergarden (which was December at the time), but they were September babies, so no one batted an eye. Fast forwarding, they both just went to college. The girl is no wose for wear at being held back--she did quite well in school and probably would have done well if she were not held back. I don't think she was bored in her classes or unchallenged. The boy also did well, but I don't think its clear if being behind mattered. And I think he still has some maturity issues!

I think holding a child back in Grade 3 when she is ready to go on to the challenges of Grade 4 (which typically would include more advanced Math concepts, much more reading, etc.) could be a terrible thing for the child. Frankly, if she's mastered Grade 3 and has to repeat it, I would expect behaviour problems to surface, and who could blame the child?

You do not tell us what the school has advised. Why not?

Sometimes in a situation like this, it is advisable to send one of the children to another school. Is that a possibility for the older one whose school does not seem to challenge her?

I think the subtext here is that the LW is wedded to the idea that because they are twins they should be at the same level. Do you dress them alike too? Do they have the same furniture, toys, etc? If so, time to stop it all.

I was wondering if sending them to separate schools might also reduce the future potential for teasing and any perceived stigma of the grade-repeating twin from her peers. She will inevitably be compared to her sister - why make it easy?

I was a twin who was held back. The only thing I struggled with growing up was watching my sister go through major life events before me that have to do with the grade you are in (proms, graduations, going to high school and college before me). i had some major fights with my parents about that growing up because I don't remember struggling in school. I was in the first grade when I was held back.