Only child who's a perfectionist and a quitter? Maybe not

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz March 20, 2013 06:00 AM

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Hi Barbara,
My son is turning 7 this month and is an only child by choice. He is displaying some personality traits that I am a little worried about and I am wondering if it's is because he's an only.

He is a perfectionist to the point that the teacher has emailed me numerous times about it. He has a hard time finishing projects at school if it isn't "perfect." Other kids have moved on to other things while he's still sitting there working on the same project. The teacher has actually given him an assignment to just scribble things so he can see it's ok that nothing on the paper makes sense. He's also a quitter. If he isn't great at the activity he's doing, he quits. He quit Jiu Jitsu last summer after he was moved up to the kid's class after being in the junior class and it happened last night at skating lessons. His friends all moved up to Youth 2 and he was placed back in Youth 1. He was devastated and crying, saying he hates it so we left.

I was so sad for him and kept explaining to him that it's ok not to be the best and everyone has different abilities but he wasn't having any of it. I was sort of quiet the whole night and he came up to me and asked me if I love him anymore. I started crying, it was a sad scene. I told him that my love for him is unconditional and explained what that meant. I started researching a bit on the topic after he went to sleep and I think that subconsciously we are putting too much pressure on him to be perfect because we are always telling him "good job," you "did great!" so he is eager to please. My husband & I agreed that we aren't letting him quit this time. He has to finish out the skating session that we paid for. With Jiu JItsu, he quit mid contract so we were stuck paying $125/mo for the last 5 months!

From: Mom in the 'burbs, west of Boston

Dear Mom in the 'burbs,

Before you jump to the conclusion that your only child is a perfectionist and a quitter, let's tease these issues apart.

First, let's talk about children who are seemingly driven to be perfectionists. Is your child unable to function if life doesn't meet his expectation of being as "perfect" as he wants? Or does he set expectations in his head that are unrealistic and which interfere to some degree with his life? That's a distinction that may sound like hair-splitting but you probably know what I'm talking about.

Here's the other thing: perfectionism can be part of the way a child is wired -- a personality trait he or she is born with -- or it can be a learned behavior. When he was 2, did he line up his toys just so and go ballistic if the line was disturbed, even accidentally? That's likely his wiring. Has this trait surfaced in preschool or later? That's more likely a tendency, a learned response to parent's expectations.

Is this more likely to surface in children who have no siblings? There's been lots of research on this but I'm speaking more as a parent of only one child and, I agree, in a one-child family, parents can unwittingly put too much pressure on a child to succeed. I remember realizing this when our son was in third or fourth grade and creating a book report or something like that. My husband and I were both in the room with him, as we were wont to do, not helping, but "just to show our support," as we liked to say. That night, it suddenly became obvious to both of us adults: Two parents was too much attention.
I put this to a researcher -- being able to bounce my issues off professionals was the biggest advantage of writing my column -- and I never forgot the advice I got, which I pass on to you: Parent an only child as if there are more. Translation: if you had two children doing homework on a given night, both parents wouldn't be able to be with each one. The same is true of praise --

Other ideas:
1. Stay away from the abstract ideas you're describing to him. Instead, talk about something being "good enough."

2. Make sure you are a role model for "good enough." Sort of mumble aloud to yourself so he can hear you: "I wish I had more time to do X, but, you know, I'm gonna be happy with good enough."

3. Praise his process and work ethic more than the result: "You're a good worker;" " I like the way you listen to directions." more than the result.

4. Ask the teacher to tell him how long homework or an in-class assignment should take, with the instruction to stop when the time is up. At home, set the timer so the timer, not you, is saying, "Stop now."

The third issue is whether to let a child quit an extra curricular. Honestly, at this age, I don't think it's a big deal; it's not as if he will let down a team or a friend. Is he mature enough to understand that the activities cost money, and that the point of them is to try out different ones to see which ones are the most fun? You can agree that he doesn't have to do this again, but you want him to finish it out this time for reasons. Or, you can agree that he can quit this time, but with the next activity, you'll all agree to some rules:
1. It has to be something he really wants. He's the one who chooses, not you.
2. You'll observe the activity together before deciding, by watching the class/coach/ in action: observe the setting, the noise level, the odor (some kids quit swimming because of the chlorine smell!), the physicality.
3. Next time, he'll have to promise to stay with the whole program even if he doesn't like it.

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4 comments so far...

Honestly, when I was 6-7, I quit gymnastics, piano lessons, and guitar lessons before I settled on my lifelong passion at age 7--horseback riding. Don't worry about the kid not wanting to do something in particular. But, just because he doesn't want to do it at 7 doesn't mean he won't want to do it if you revisit it at age 12 or 15 . . . .

Posted by Shazam March 20, 13 02:01 PM

Yeah...that could easily be my 3 year old. We are all about praising the hard work, and that has helped him, but he still gets really frustrated if something isn't perfect, including these three piece puzzles he likes to do. He loses his temper if they don't fit together just right, but the only surface to do all of them lined up the way he wants is on our bed, on a very lumpy mattress, so you can imagine how angry he got when the pieces wouldn't lie flat just right. We finally got him to understand that the bed is lumpy.

The praising the working hard is key, but also when our son loses his temper we ask him to count to ten and tell him "You can do this, you just have to keep trying until you get it." The Keep Trying Yo Gabba Gabba song is a big help in this way. We don't sing it directly to him when he is frustrated (that would be counter productive) but we do sing it when we ourselves are frustrated with something we are doing that isn't working out right. Kids do what they see more than what you tell them. I have seen him wrestle with larger puzzles you would think would be out of his skill range, and muttering the lyrics to that song under his breath as if they were an internal monologue that was leaking out, so something is getting through.

My husband and I (both oldest children) are both frustrated perfectionists and we try not to shine that particular light on J, and seeing him mirror our behavior, which I swear is innate since he started so early, has actually prompted us to lighten up on ourselves and on each other.

As for quitting because he isn't the best or is being left behind, maybe it is time to have some talks about how no one is the best at everything, and some people who start out being the worst, but decide to work harder end up being the best in the end. If not, as long as they are having fun, it doesn't matter. Einstein didn't talk until he was what, four or five? Some friends will be better at some things, and some friends will be better at other things.

I can also see that being kept back might be embarrassing and also distressing to not be with his pals. If he loves to do an activity, I wouldn't let him quit at least right away, but maybe use it as an object lesson that he can become better through hard work.

I don't know if I have a deep and meaningful message in all this, besides wanting to say that boy, do I hear you, sister! Hang in there!

Posted by merilisa March 20, 13 02:21 PM

Who is raising who here? He's not even 7! You paid for an activity, he stays in it. Time is up on a project, that's it, it's done. Why is a young child making all his own decisions?? And the teacher in this situation is okay with this as well?? Way to set rules.
I'm from this same generation and I see far too many parents not parenting their children. The world doesn't revolve around them, the world isn't perfect, If the child doesn't like something, sometimes that's just too darn bad! Like I said, WHO is the parent here??
We've got a whole new generation of spoiled children who think they are in charge, who think they're perfect. Going to be a shock when they grow up and enter the real world.

Posted by Rebecca March 20, 13 08:38 PM

Rebecca, you sound a little bit like you got your parenting style from a Nazi regime book. Not everything with parenting is black/white there ARE gray areas. I am the LW and let me tell you one thing, I am the parent not my child. When he came to me hysterically crying saying that he wanted to quit Jiu Jitsu my husband and I weighed the situation and we decided we didn't NEED him at 6 years old to go only if he hates it. Doing an activity should be FUN for a child. However, my son asked me to do skating and if you read my letter in its entirety, you'd see we did not let him quit this time because he's the one that made the decision to go and just because he wasn't in the same class as his friends didn't mean he should quit. We knew he liked skating (unlike Jiu Jitsu) so we stuck with our guns. Also, having a child who's a perfectionist is not a parent or teachers fault. As Barbara mentioned, sometimes they're just hard-wired that way. Loosen up.

Posted by Mom from the 'burbs March 21, 13 07:00 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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