Barbara, you say 12 is way too late, I agree. But, what is an appropriate age to start this type of conversation with a son? a daughter?

Why is 12 too late? Everyone is different.

Tas, I can't post a link here, in the comment box, but if you search in my blog for Dec 15, 2010, I address this question.

I have a 16, 15 and 12 year old boys. 12 is too late - the hormones have started, etc. Plus, if your town is like 90% of the towns in Massachusetts, they had the "sex" class already at school TWO YEARS AGO. I am a single mother and my boys feel perfectly comfortable talking to me about why their bodies are changing, erections, etc. (and none of them are sexually active) If you are "matter of fact" about it, they will be too.

I'm not a parent, but I was 12 (female) once, and by then I knew quite a lot. If you want to get ahead of the rumor/mythology, you need to start early. And I bet the question is easier to discuss when you're talking to a younger child than when discussing it with an adolescent. There are age-appropriate ways to tell the truth.

#2, By twelve, their bodies are already changing, many girls have periods and boobs -- shouldn't kids know what's happening BEFORE it happens? And why shouldn't a twelve year old understand where babies come from? Twelve year olds have sex, they need to know what can happen when you do that.

I suspect these conversations are easier if you begin them when the child is much younger, and in a matter-of-fact fashion. By the time a child is 12 he probably thinks he has a pretty good idea what it is all about -- but it might be from a very different perspective than you would prefer.

I was a trained peer sexuality educator in college, and have seen the down side/scary side of what sometimes happens when parents don't educate their kids about sexuality, and this post made me nearly do a spit take. It seems to me that at age twelve your biggest challenge with your son would be to debunk misconceptions about sexuality he has picked up on the playground rather than start from "When a man and a woman love each other very much..." The challenge will be to figure out what his baseline assumptions are and to replace the incorrect and dangerous ones with real data. Books are a great way to do that, because he can digest them in his own time and at his own level, but he is probably going to need more of a discussion with a trusted adult he can talk to. That might mean a male adult if he isn't comfortable talking to you, and if you steer him towards a mentor, please pick carefully. Make sure you choose someone with current information and values that reflect both your sense of morality and modern perspectives. I am hoping he has picked up some information at school that came from educators and not just same age peers and internet porn. In this way, an uncle might be a better mentor than a grandfather, who will have a different generational perspective that might be morally sound but won't have up to date information.

Important areas to make sure he "gets it" about sexuality include what is effective birth control (and what is not) STDs, what is rape and rape culture, and what is "the right" age to have had sex by. That last part is really important because there is a total disconnect between what age is typical and healthy to start experimenting with sexuality versus what schoolyard bravado determines. In other words, in truth it really is normal for many men and women to wait until college age or after to start experimenting with sex, if that is what they are comfortable with, but the way twelve year olds talk, you'd think all of them are doing it. Maybe the best thing you can do for your son is let him know that the other middle schoolers don't know as much as they pretend to know and don't do what they pretend to do, and he shouldn't do anything he doesn't feel a genuine self determined desire to do. When I was in Jr High there were a few couples who were already having intercourse, but far more boys who pretended they had, and when I was in college there were plenty of people who hadn't had intercourse yet, and plenty of them pretended they had, so the range of "normal" is really wide.

Good luck. Start talking to him and supplying him with information. Be open to his questions. My Mom and I had an agreement that no matter what sexual question I asked, she would answer me honestly as long as she was allowed to process the question first. She had been raised in a cloistered environment so being asked by her daughter what an Orgy was in sixth grade (yes, really) was somewhat stressful for her. On the other hand, she pretty much took it in stride, it gave her an opportunity to pass on her values as well as information, and it led her to see that while I was hearing all kinds of things, many ridiculous, that what I was about was trying to place the information and misinformation in context, not go out and act on the information. That information enabled her to parent me better. Maybe this discussion will open up lines of communication with your son that will help you both navigate some of the other typical communication challenges ahead, like talking about alcohol and drugs.

I laugh when so called experts start telling us how and what to tell our kids especially about highly personal/sensitive matters. Our parents, grandfathers and ancestors did very well without such advice. I do not know this 12 year old or Barbara. What I know that matters that have been answered successfully for centuries need not be reinvented.

Basil, this woman ASKED Barbara for advice. It interests me that if you think advice is so pointless that you would spend your time reading an advice column.

If your kid has access to an internet connection, I can guarantee you he has been getting all the information he needs. Im sure he has seen a few live demonstrations too.

12 is way too old. There are books that are excellent--the one for ages 10 and up might be good for him: "It's Perfectly Normal". Kids even learn about this in health class at age 10-11 ("It's So Amazing" is for ages 7 and up.)

It turns out that my older two were ready for information at just around 7...so, the timing of "It's So Amazing" worked perfectly. (Our second had started hearing from a well-read friend just before he turned 7. Our first, a girl, hadn't heard too much before our discussion, but asked the exact questions that led me to believe she knew more than she hoped she knew.) We told them not to talk to anyone else at school, particularly anyone younger (or to their younger brother).

A younger relative starting telling jokes that she didn't understand around 8...I decided then that I didn't want my kids hearing stuff at camp that they'd repeat to us (and we'd have to explain with potential embarrassment to them). Reading a technical book together worked well.

Basil, Susanv is right, this woman asked for the advice. Besides, the era to which you refer included a time where women even in our country were frequently forced to marry their rapists, where high class women were instructed to lay back and tune out and let their husbands do whatever they wanted, when females enjoying their own sexuality was considered undesirable, where birth control was keeping an aspirin between your knees and STDs weren't something to be aware of, protect oneself from and treat, but rather to bring home to your family so you could all DIE from them. We have moved past the era where most people were agrarian so they saw goats, cats and dogs have sex and figured it out that way, or were sharing a room with the whole family so they witnessed their own parents doing it. We are living in the age of internet porn and cable TV and daytime talk shows on network TV talking about things that would have befuddled and offended me as a child. There is a whole lot that matters that was not answered for centuries that absolutely does need to be addressed. The world has changed and your view of the past is too rosy and incomplete.

The conversation starts with properly naming body parts when the child is learning the names of his toes and fingers. As a middle school health educator it is horrifying to see the number of students who have never heard an adult say the word "penis" and "vagina" out loud. Most of these students feel shame about their body due to this type of attitude about the body at home. As I tell my students, if your parents haven't talked to you about human growth and development by the time you are in 6th grade then they haven't done their job. Now it's my turn. Let me break it down...
By age of 2 the child should be able to say the word penis and vagina
By age 4-5 the child should recognize this as a private part not to be seen or touched by anyone but a parent but still feel no shame when word is said.
By 3-6 when the questions come about babies "special love between mommies and daddies" help make the baby
By 6-9 the words sperm and eggs should be used. Sperm is a special chemical from dads, that help the egg make the baby inside of mom
By end of 4th grade the menstrual cycle, how egg and sperm together, reinforcing the love part between mom and dad. Yes boys should understand the menstrual cycle. Fast forward to health class in Gr 6
Your child will be the one who is not dying from embarrassment, having stress/anxiety attacks about the subject being taught.
They engage willingly in conversation, deepen their knowledge and move on to be more confident in their sexuality making them better able to good healthier decisions regarding sex....less teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections etc!
Its really simple and so much better than letting your kid figure it by watching Porn...yes mommies 12 year old boys and girls watch porn...