Explaining your surrogacy to your child

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz April 26, 2013 06:00 AM

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How do you explain surrogacy to small children? Due to cancer, my cousin can no longer carry a baby. I would love to be able to do this for her, but I don’t know how to explain it to my children. My daughter is 3.5 and the last time I was pregnant, she got a baby brother (who is now 8 mths). How do I explain that this time we are not keeping the baby? Thanks!

From: Mom of Two, Rexhame. MA

Dear Mom of Two,
Explain it as simply and truthfully as possible, given your child's level of cognition. Even the baby counts. In fact: tell the baby first, not because he will understand but because it will give you practice for what you want to say to your preschooler. It seems like you already realize how important truthfulness is, but just to spell it out, a major concern for any child whose mother is a surrogate is why mommy is not keeping the baby. Magical thinking can fuel the fear that if she could give this baby away, could she also give me away? Which is why it's important to establish from the start that you are helping to make this baby for someone else who can't make a baby.
If you've never talked about where babies come from, that's your starting point. Have that conversation first and then, some time later, ask: "Do you remember how we talked about where babies come from?" Get her to tell the story back to you, so you know for sure what she's retained. Then you can add the new facts in layers:
"Babies grow inside a special place in a woman called a uterus but, sometimes, a woman's uterus can't grow a baby."
Another time:
"Cousin Z's body doesn't have a healthy uterus (or whatever the specifics are). A baby can't grow in her uterus. But a baby can grow in my uterus. You did! Your brother did! So I've decided to help Z. Do you want to know how? A special doctor is going to take an egg from Z and sperm from X and plant it in my uterus and grow a baby for them. When that baby gets born, it won't be your brother or sister. It will be X and Z's baby. Because it came from their seeds. That baby will be your cousin!"
Let her attention span and interest level be your guide for how much (or how little) to embellish. Give her room to ask questions. Most of all, don't expect this to be a one-time conversation. As she goes through new developmental stages, she will have new questions, and come to more sophisticated understandings based on each new level of cognition.
The over-riding idea is to leave your child with the message that you are doing something loving and wonderful. Once you're showing, you will want to talk naturally and openly in front of your child about how happy you are to be able to have your sister's baby growing inside you. Don't over-do it, but don't feel you need to under-do it.
There may be some people who are surprised at your level of openness. Don't let them dissuade you. Children fare much better emotionally when they have access to the truth.

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6 comments so far...

My comment is likely to be interpreted as selfish but how old is this woman? Even in this day and age pregnancy and childbirth is not risk-free. The risk of breast cancer increases the older you are. If she has not all ready gone ahead with the surrogacy; I would ask her to pause and consider her responsibility to her own young children. Also what is the cousin's likelihood of recurrence and the strength of her marriage. While I can tell she has a big heart to be willing to do this for her cousin not all good intentions lead to fairy tale endings some lead to custody battles.

If she has gone ahead with it all ready I wish her the best and can say that children take their cues from the people around them and are very accepting of the truth when given facts in a simple, straightforward way.

Posted by ME April 26, 13 10:25 AM

I am currently a surrogate. I think that if you are not a surrogate, interested in being a surrogate or someone who needs the help of others for whatever reason....you will not understand why we would do this for someone else even though it does put our life at risk. Anything you do in life puts your life at risk so you make the best choices for yourself and family.
I have 3 young children, the older 2 do understand. I am very honest about everything. I am doing this to teach my family a great life lesson but also to help someone else be a parent. Why wouldnt I want to help and share how wonderful it is to be a parent?

Posted by X April 26, 13 02:48 PM

This LW is not asking for advice on surrogacy, she's asking for advice on how to explain it to her children.

I think Barbara's advice is good.

Posted by mm April 26, 13 10:16 PM

I was a surrogate a few years ago. My own children were 3, 5 and 11 at the time. None of them thought much of it. It's amazing what kids can understand and incorporate into their version of normal.

My basic story was something like: You know our new friends M & J who came over for dinner a few months ago? Well M had cancer a couple of years ago and to cure her, the doctors needed to take out her uterus. The uterus is where a baby grows so she can't grow a baby in her body, so I'm going to help her out by having her baby grow in my body. The doctors helped to put her embryos into my uterus and right now, a baby boy and a baby girl are growing, just like you grew! And when they're ready to be born, they'll go home with M & J, who are their mommy and daddy. So it's kind of like baby-sitting. I'm taking care of them while they grow in my body and then they'll go home with their parents.

My 5 year old was actually the most interested in the process and asked the most questions, but that's his personality. My oldest and youngest sons were like "oh, OK" and that was that. They were also pretty blase about explaining it to their friends and classmates "oh yeah, my mom's having twins but they're not my brother and sister she's carrying them for a friend" and their friends just rolled with it too.

Posted by Jen April 26, 13 10:33 PM

I carried a baby as a surrogate for my cousin too! His wife had cancer and treatment rendered her uterus inhospitable. My kids were 8, 5 and 2 at the time. And basically I told them that my cousin's wife had been sick and that she was healthy again but couldn't carry a baby inside her. So instead the doctors were going to put their baby inside of me to grow and when the baby was ready it would come out and we would give it to my cousin. They were all fine with that and loved being "helpers" in bringing their cousin into the world. My oldest daughter asked the most questions about it, but they were all curious and supportive. They were very proud when she was born! Good luck to you if you decide to do it. It is the most amazing, fulfilling journey you can imagine.

Posted by Pamela MacPhee May 6, 13 12:30 PM

I had to use a surrogate to have my baby girl. I struggled with the same question of how to explain surrogacy to my daughter. I didn't want her to think she was different in any way, but how special she is. After searching the books stores for a children's book on surrogacy, I was encourage to write my own. I've been reading this book to my daughter since she was two. Whenever we have company she runs and pulls the book off the bookshelf to show everyone the book about how special she is. I read it to her class every year. The name is "Why I'm So Special" a book about surrogacy. I also wrote one for two dads called "Why I'm So Special" A Book About Surrogacy with Two Dads. I hope they help, they did for me!

Posted by Carla Lewis-Long May 15, 13 04:26 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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