How can she help her 8th grader with an imminent move?

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz April 25, 2013 06:00 AM

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Dear Barbara,

I will be moving from Richmond, VA to an undecided location in Arizona very, very soon. This same situation happened four years ago, but was switched, We moved from Arizona to Virginia in November of 2009, when my daughter was in the 4th grade, (she is now in 8th and will he attending HS this following school year). She had her heart set on moving mid-year for the purpose of being able to make friends more easily and having more friends over the summer, but that is not doable, due to a surgery and a trip I am going to go on.

So, I guess I'm asking how can I help her make friends? She will have to start high school knowing absolutely nobody, and she does not want to go to a camp because the kids may or may not be going to the same HS and they probably wont be the kind of kids she will be friends with. Help! Thanks for any advice!

From: Lexi, Richmond, VA

Dear Lexi,

You're moving "very, very soon" so won't school still be in session? It's not the middle of the year, but still...

No matter. Whenever you are arriving, school in session or not, once you know the town you'll be living in, call the principal/head master of her new school and enlist his/her help. He/she is your best resource; principals are under-utilized in situations like this.This is hard for you and harder for your daughter (and it is, indeed, hard; I'm not minimizing) but it's not new to the principal. At some schools, there are student committees or leaders who help acclimate new students. Social media can facilitate that even before arrival. This can happen even if school is no longer in session. This doesn't promise a new BFF but it's a start. Over the summer, a principal might be able to suggest a few girls who have interests similar to your daughter who she could meet. She can suggest summer activities that are popular, including volunteering or athletics.

Keep in mind, though, that you can't help your daughter "make friends," not at this age. All you can do is show her possibilities. Volunteering. Summer classes. Clubs and activities. Athletics. Even if you talk to the principal and he helps you make a plan, she may still be miserable and angry. In fact, she may reject it. That's partly developmental and possibly hormonal. In other words, she's a teenager and can't help herself. Your job is to find a way to tolerate her anger without feeding her platitudes -- "It'll be fine, honey, you always make friends." That likely will make things worse: "You don't understand!"

By the way, review with her how things worked when you moved before. I know 4th grade is light years away from 8th grade, but some of the strategies might help, and it might help to remind her about her own resilience.

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4 comments so far...

I went through a similar cross-country move in the summer before 7th grade, so I can relate.

The first thing I want to point out is that having friends who are *not* in the same school is actually a great idea. It's always good to have more than one social sphere, so that if things are not going great in school, for example, you know you have your friends in softball league to fall back on. Diversifying your life is a great strategy for keeping yourself sane not just as a teen, but at any age.

The second is that, since she'll be starting in high school, usually there are lots of kids who don't know each other the first day. Most high schools are fed by multiple middle schools, so many of the kids are new to each other. It's a bit of an advantage to be moving before 9th grade, instead of 10th, 11th or 12th.

Another point is that Arizona has a particularly transient population, and there are influxes of new people there all the time, so even if you move to a small town, it is likely that she will not be the only new kid in her year.

Going to the school's principal is a great idea, and also looking at other resources -- your neighborhood, the community pool, sports leagues, a local church and even summer jobs can all be places to meet other local kids.

It's not going to be easy, but, it could be a lot easier than either of you think it will be.

Posted by SandEE April 25, 13 08:14 AM

Even if you talk to the principal and he helps you make a plan, she may still be miserable and angry. In fact, she may reject it. That's partly developmental and possibly hormonal. In other words, she's a teenager and can't help herself.

So, Mommy will call the school principal to ask him (sic) to help her plan how her daughter is going to make friends?

And if the daughter says she is not happy about Mommy engineering her social life, she's not really angry, it's just the hormones talking and she has no power over her thoughts or emotions? So you can just dismiss her feelings that she's being treated like a very small child with Mommy arranging playdates.

Hope the new house comes with a landing pad for your helicopter.

Posted by di April 25, 13 12:54 PM

If you belong to a church, see if they have a high school youth group. My church draws kids from several towns, so the kids don't all go to the same school. Even kids from the same town go to different schools - public and private. My two children made great friendships in their youth groups.

I like the other ideas too!

Posted by Robin April 25, 13 12:58 PM

You are moving very, very soon but don't know where??? What does that mean?

No wonder your daughter is anxious about this.

Posted by just_sayin' April 25, 13 02:25 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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