Most small private schools would be all over this one if they knew about it. Do they know? If not, you should make sure the teachers and staff do know about it.

I'm not on board with the letter idea, especially if the problem has not been addressed before. I think it could turn around and bite your daughter and make her seem like the aggressor. Mean girl will be showing it to every other student and your daughter could end up being in much worse trouble.

I think Dixie Lee is right. Just a simple invitation, the same as the other kids get, is all that's needed. Not inviting her is not a serious option, as it surely won't make the problem better.

Oh, I don't like this letter idea at all. Gives way too much power to the "mean" girl. What mean girl wouldn't say yes to this invitation if only for the purpose of continuing to make birthday girl miserable? And to put something like that in writing, that this girl can show to all the other girls? No way.
If your daughter doesn't want to invite the girl to her birthday, then she should not have to invite her. Why would you want your daughter to have someone that makes her unhappy at her birthday party? If this is the only girl not being invited, then that could be a bit more of an issue, but it doesn't say that, so I'm going to assume that isn't the case. Even if it is, I still don't think she needs to invite her.
I think Barbara's other advice is pretty good. Validate her feelings, ensure that she knows that treating someone like that is not okay, but tell her, too, that it is okay to not be friends with everyone. Tell her, Be kind and considerate, and don't go down the road yourself, but choose to be with the people that make you happy, that you have things in common with, and know that you can also choose to NOT be with those that make you unhappy.
There is too much "We can all be friends." This isn't true for adults, so why do we force it on our kids? As adults, there are people that you have to deal with, get along with in the workplace or wherever, that you would not choose to spend time with outside of work or call friends. Why are we not teaching this to our children?

I totally agree with Dixie Lee. No way. Why include the mean girl? What about telling our kids it is not ok to "bully" other kids or ridicule them in any way? Why invite her so she can attempt to judge her and be mean to her even more???

If you would actually encourage a kid to write and send a note like that, why not just go all the way and pin a "Kick Me" sign on your daughter?

I guess I'm the only one so far, but I really like the letter idea. It is a thoughtful way for the birthday girl to acknowledge the dynamics of what's going on, but does so in a way that spells out clearly how she wishes to be treated and intends to treat others. I also have a daughter in the 3rd grade and her group of friends has a girl who is emerging as the "mean girl" so I have been around the block with this issue, and I would encourage my daughter to write a letter like this if she were in a similar situation. I do think that, unless this girl is a hard-core sociopath at the age of nine, the assumption in the letter that these girls will treat each other with respect and not intentionally hurt one another's feelings (even though this girl has clearly already done plenty of that) will catch her off-guard and maybe diffuse some of the tension.

Also, if the girl does decide to come to the party, the birthday girl's parents can and should be extra vigilant and willing to step in to halt any bullying behavior they see. I know that, in my daughter's circle of friends, the "mean girl's" mom refused to believe reports from other kids about her daughter's name-calling and excluding behavior, but when one of the other moms told her what she had observed she began to take it more seriously.

As for the note being passed around to others, I don't see how it would make her look like the aggressor or provide "ammo" for the mean girl to use against her. Because she is telling her she doesn't want to hurt her feelings? Because she's letting her choose whether or not she would like to come to the party? I don't really get the "danger" in this...

I agree with some of these comments. Why invite a girl who has been so mean? I think she should not invite her and if asked why not, say she has not been nice, that is why she didn't get an invitation. Your daughter needs to be able to make new friends and stop associating so much with the bully.

to those of you who think the letter is a bad idea -- we're talking about 9 year old girls here!! It's a great idea because, just as Barbara points out, it enables the birthday girl to take the high road and gives the bully a graceful way out -- girls are always going in and out of friendships at this age. I think as a culture, parents are too quick to over-react to social issues with our kids. Besides, it's kind of hard for a letter to come into the home without a parent knowing about it. PS to parent of the birthday girl: if your daughter does write a letter, be sure the envelope has a return address so the mom will be sure to say, "Honey, why was X writing you a letter?"

" we're talking about 9 year old girls " - Have you been around 9 year old girls recently? It's not 1983 here with cute sweet girls playing, there can be some downright nasty backstabbing young ladies out there and giving them a figurative club like this to beat the poor girl is beyond irresponsible.

I say no to the letter and the idea of a non-confrontational way to resolve the dispute is nothing more than cowardly bowing down to the bully. Appeasement doesn't work in the foreign policy and it doesn't work in the school yard, it's just showing how weak you are.

What 9 year old girl would even dream up a letter like that? Writing the letter is a horrible idea.
Both my neices went through something similar; I think all kids do. I would leave the decision up to your daughter for three reasons:
1) Because it's HER birthday and she shouldn't have to invite somebody that is mean to her.
2) This would put the mean girl in position of power over your daughter. It gives mean girl a chance to humiliate your daughter in front of her friends and family. Home is supposed to be a safe haven for kids. Someplace they can go to get away from the mean kids and be surrounded by friends and family. Why would you take this away from your daughter?
3) Mean girl also needs to be taught that her behavior has some consequences. She will be excluded from events that she might want to attend. Better yet even, mean girl's Mom calls to ask why her daughter wasn't invited and that provides an opportunity for the adults to talk about the problem and help the kids work out their differences, if possible.

Sorry to burst your bubble, kids were jerks back in 1983 too, it just wasn't the moral panic du jour back then (it was heavy metal music for boys, Madonna for girls).

People are people, kids do obnoxious things because they are immature and stuck in their small pond with the same bunch of people day in and day out and they get sick of each other.

I don't like the letter idea at all. First, it sounds like an adult wrote it. Second, I actually think it puts the power squarely back in the hands of the bully, letting her decide if she wants to come. Finally, these are 9 year olds. I think that they still need their parents to intervene from time to time. I think this might be one of those situations. I have 2 teenage daughters, so I feel the pain of this father and daughter.

I think the actual question is not how to invite her but if you have to invite her and I think that is a tough one. I really don't think its right to exclude just one girl from a birthday party if you can help it. At the same time, I don't think a 9 year old needs to have her birthday ruined by a potential bully. As I said, they are 9 and still don't know how to handle social situations. I would probably err on the side of inviting her and keeping a close eye on things. I would also contact the parents first to discuss what is happening. Sometimes you can be surprised by the other side of the story.

Also, if this bullying is happening in school to the point your daughter fears reprisals, you need to be in contact with the school.

P.S. I learned the hard way that 10 nine year olds is too many for a sleepover! Consider yourself warned :-)

I think that letter idea is nuts. They're KIDS. Every girl gets bullied and that letter sounds like it was written for a teenager, not a 9 year old. I feel like this is a symptom of the "let's talk it out" generation, when in reality, the school should be notified and this should be dealt with by the daughter. How else are kids supposed to learn these skills for later in life?

The letter idea is ridiculous. If the 9 year old is cruel enough to bully a former friend, she isn't going to suddenly stop because of some letter. And checking the "count me in" box doesn't mean she won't bully at the party.

Daughter doesn't want her there, then don't invite her. Time for adults to step in. Does the mother know "Betsy's" mother. Has she talked to the mom to see if there is something going on with Betsy? Talked to the teacher to see what exactly is going on?

Nine year old girls have been acting like this for years. Even in 1983, when I was a 9 year old being bullied.

Agreed. Letter idea is completely awful. It sounds like she's begging her to be nice so she can invite her. My son deals with a bully-type every day; we've advised him to be obnoxiously nice, for instance, when he passes him say loudly "Hi ---! Great to see you today!" and when he makes faces or says something rude, our son just laughs and says "see you later!"
It drives the bully nuts, and our son feels empowered. :)